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-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Sun, Feb 18 2024, 9:05 am
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I have 4 and 2 year old girls and another on the way. They drive me up the wall. I've been going through depression and I simply just don't have an ounce of energy and patience. My oldest is a handful, always defying me and being chutzpadik. She insists I dress her every day down to putting on her socks, which btw she does know how to do on her own. She is also very sensitive. When her sister takes away a toy, says no, etc that is hers she starts to cry. My 2 year old is the typical active toddler, she is also at the no phase. I'm home with them most of the time and when DH comes home from work and davening he gladly takes over. But even they fight when they're with him but they don't play games with him like they play with me. One resounding "no" from him results in immediate obedience but no not with me. With me, they defy and defy and my oldest just continues to do what I said no to with a smirk on her face. I cannot stand it. I have been locking myself in the master bd so I don't snap but once I come out it continues. At the end of the day when I finally get them to bed after an hr of fighting I am actually glad they are asleep so I can have some peace and quiet. Everyone says it gets easier as they get older and I feel that its nearly impossible! Does it, really? I'm heartbroken that I am not the mother I dreamed of being. This is my first time dealing with depression in a pregnancy
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amother
Steelblue
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 9:12 am
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amother
Calendula
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 10:00 am
Honestly I wouldn't be able to manage having kids 2 years apart. Take longer breaks. My minimum is 4 years (and yes I'm yeshivish).
If you continue having babies every 2 years it's definitely not gonna get easier anytime soon
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amother
Lavender
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 10:10 am
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Are you being treated for ppd? It can start in pregnancy
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amother
White
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 10:12 am
Do people really say it gets easier as kids get older? I agree with the line "bigger kids, bigger problems".
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I had my kids and love each and every one of them. But I miss the days when the "problem" was my 3 year old refused to wear certain socks.
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amother
NeonOrange
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 10:29 am
| amother OP wrote: | | I have 4 and 2 year old girls and another on the way. They drive me up the wall. I've been going through depression and I simply just don't have an ounce of energy and patience. My oldest is a handful, always defying me and being chutzpadik. She insists I dress her every day down to putting on her socks, which btw she does know how to do on her own. She is also very sensitive. When her sister takes away a toy, says no, etc that is hers she starts to cry. My 2 year old is the typical active toddler, she is also at the no phase. I'm home with them most of the time and when DH comes home from work and davening he gladly takes over. But even they fight when they're with him but they don't play games with him like they play with me. One resounding "no" from him results in immediate obedience but no not with me. With me, they defy and defy and my oldest just continues to do what I said no to with a smirk on her face. I cannot stand it. I have been locking myself in the master bd so I don't snap but once I come out it continues. At the end of the day when I finally get them to bed after an hr of fighting I am actually glad they are asleep so I can have some peace and quiet. Everyone says it gets easier as they get older and I feel that its nearly impossible! Does it, really? I'm heartbroken that I am not the mother I dreamed of being. This is my first time dealing with depression in a pregnancy |
Four year olds are still very little. It sounds like you're trying to treat yours like a big girl and she's resisting. It's not her fault that she has a younger sibling and another on the way. You can't expect her to be independent at 4 just because it's easier for you.
I agree with a previous poster that it may be time for a longer break after this pregnancy so you can recover both in body and in mind.
Is the 4 year old in school? Maybe a bit of a break from her sibling would be helpful. Can you get a chessed girl or hire a mother's helper for those really difficult hours before bedtime?
Playing music often changes the tone in the house. Can you try that? If the kids (or you!) are getting cranky, then have an impromptu dance party to change the mood.
I wish I could tell you that the fighting stops, but I'm still dealing with that with my 9 and 5 year olds. I frequently tell them that they love each other and should act like it. Sometimes they do better than others. Eventually they'll grow up...
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amother
cornflower
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 10:29 am
| amother White wrote: | Do people really say it gets easier as kids get older? I agree with the line "bigger kids, bigger problems".
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I my kids and love each and every one of them. But I miss the days when the "problem" was my 3 year old refused to wear certain socks. |
In some ways it definitely does. Little ones are exhausting physically, especially while pregnant.
OP, I had my first 3 close together. Somehow I managed but from then on I take longer breaks. Being pregnant when my youngest is 3-4 is sooo different. Some kids do have tougher personalities, but IMO toddler stage is just really difficult. Enjoy your new little bsha’a tova and then give yourself a break. When your kids are a little more independent you’ll feel that longing for another one.
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amother
White
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 10:41 am
| amother cornflower wrote: | In some ways it definitely does. Little ones are exhausting physically, especially while pregnant.
OP, I had my first 3 close together. Somehow I managed but from then on I take longer breaks. Being pregnant when my youngest is 3-4 is sooo different. Some kids do have tougher personalities, but IMO toddler stage is just really difficult. Enjoy your new little bsha’a tova and then give yourself a break. When your kids are a little more independent you’ll feel that longing for another one. |
True, my youngest is already over 10 but I remember the days of chasing them aroumd when I was pregnant. Completely exhausting.
But when they get older the problems are more serious. A teen can be depressed, bullied or not have friends. A child isn't interested in school and decides he wants to stay home. They might be hanging out with the wrong crowd.
There could be issues getting into high school. Low self esteem. At risk with frumkeit.
These types of problems don't occur at the toddler stage where the issue is usually exasperation and exhausting from running after them.
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Genius
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 10:58 am
Motherhood when kids are this little is hair pullingly frustrating. (Editing: my own hair, not theirs ch”v)
Can you try to be proactive with the four year old? Motivate her to dress herself? Maybe offer a hot cocoa when she’s all dressed and ready (if you only give during a snow storm) or a chart or something.
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amother
cornflower
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 11:15 am
| amother White wrote: | True, my youngest is already over 10 but I remember the days of chasing them aroumd when I was pregnant. Completely exhausting.
But when they get older the problems are more serious. A teen can be depressed, bullied or not have friends. A child isn't interested in school and decides he wants to stay home. They might be hanging out with the wrong crowd.
There could be issues getting into high school. Low self esteem. At risk with frumkeit.
These types of problems don't occur at the toddler stage where the issue is usually exasperation and exhausting from running after them. |
For sure. Parenting is always hard.
But to me it sounds like OP is just plain exhausted.
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tichellady
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 11:18 am
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My daughter was really unpleasant to be around at 4 and is such a delight at 5. So this year has been much easier than last year for me! Everything is harder when you are pregnant too
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flowerpower
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 11:19 am
It’s ok to dress your four year old every day. She’s still little. Many parents dress even their 6 year old.
Being that you’re the prime cargiver they listen less to you than to dh. It makes sense
To me it sounds like depression is not letting you enjoy your kids. Tackle your depression and then hopefully you’ll feel better
Bsha tova!
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amother
Vanilla
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 11:21 am
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Did you try charts for the 4 year old?
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amother
Gardenia
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 12:11 pm
I think physically it gets easier, but emotionally it gets harder.
Also each kid has a different nature and some kids are definitely more challenging than others.
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SuperWify
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 12:18 pm
It’s very normal for a 4 year old to need mommy to dress her. She’s not old she’s a baby. Your kids are still very little, they mean kids are 7,8,10 ect and much more independent. Not at 4.
Plus you have small breaks and are pregnant. It’s very hard!
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amother
OP
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 12:22 pm
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She was not an easy birth. She was born via emergency c section and I did not see her till 3 hrs later. I couldn't bond with her. Unlike my second who was a regular birth and immediately felt in love with my second daughter. They are very active and I am in the final weeks of the pregnancy stage. I am exhausted. I am seeing a therapist but it's too early to tell if there are results.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 12:24 pm
| SuperWify wrote: | It’s very normal for a 4 year old to need mommy to dress her. She’s not old she’s a baby. Your kids are still very little, they mean kids are 7,8,10 ect and much more independent. Not at 4.
Plus you have small breaks and are pregnant. It’s very hard! |
I am an only child. No way I could've known.
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SuperWify
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 12:27 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | I am an only child. No way I could've known. |
I hear, (maybe) but now that you do know that all kids under 8 are still very young… going into this birth go with a plan.
3 children under 4 is a lot kah. What help do you have in place practically? What type of birth control? What help for yourself emotionally? Can you go on meds from NOW to help with the depression and prevent ppd?
Hugs! Wishing you strength and clarity?
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SuperWify
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 12:31 pm
Idk my youngest is 3 and she’s just a baby. Very clingy and needy. Even though she’s considered mature for her age… she’s still in diapers. We were just discussing how little these kids are. Literally babies.
And in some ways my older one is easier…but… his problems are bigger and messes are a lot messier. And he still he refuses some days to get dressed by himself at 7.
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amother
Tan
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Sun, Feb 18 2024, 1:09 pm
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It does get easier. Give yourself permission to let go, try to ignore as much as you can and know that this stage doesn’t last… in a few months you’ll physically feel stronger and will have more energy to deal with all three kids. It’s also normal for a 4 year old to know which buttons of ours to push and to listen more to one parent than the other. You’re a good mother, the guilt and overthinking your bond at birth is your depression playing tricks with your mind!
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