I got a nice new car- everyone is commenting

amother

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:11 am

So my honda Odyssey’s lease was up. I happen to hate vans so my husband suggested I get a nicer suv. At first I said no, it’s too fancy. I live in a simple area and send to simple a yeshiva. But my husband really wanted it and it was only $150 more than a van and it goes on the business-so I agreed. Since I got it I’ve been getting lots of comments as if I’m stealing from someone. Some say it jokingly, some say it out of jealousy. But I find myself constantly having to answer. What is it about people that cannot fargin? There was a point in my life that we had to take from the community tzedakos. Actually for many years we couldn’t make ends meet. Bh my husband’s business is doing well and I just don’t understand why money becomes a thing. I try hard to keep as simple as I can but I just don’t see why I cannot enjoy what I have. Honestly, I have many other hardships like SIF but no one really knows so to them it’s just like “oh, they made so much money and now she lives lavishly”. Why do I need to explain that I reset my ring because I had a treated stone and wanted something proper? Why do I need to explain that I got myself an expensive coat after I was waiting by the bus with my girls and came home and had to change because the rain came right through the coat? This is really getting to me. You see something nice on someone, say a compliment and move on. Why is it a whole discussion? Just learn to fargin. Some people work very hard to make a living and pay a high price. Let them enjoy it in peace. It’s as if whoever has money is shallow and has bad middos. We aren’t stealing from anyone. Live and let live.
Rant over

amother

Moonstone

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:19 am

In general, I agree with you . However, there are a few points that made me wonder…

1- you said you took from tzedaka. Did people know about that? If so, I can see where there is some animosity. Unless, of course, you give back to tzedaka big time.
2- you said you live in a yeshivish neighborhood. Although ideally everyone should look at themselves and fargin, it wouldn’t be super smart to tear their eyes out.

Now I’m not saying that you are guilty of the above… I just would first ask those questions before I judge.

mommy3b2c

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:20 am

amother Yolk wrote:

I hear
Maybe all those people are jealous and remember when you needed help
Maybe they actually helped you and now you can help people who may need
Remember those times
Remember tzedaka and maaser
How did you feel back then when your friend got a new fancy car??!!!

I’m not op but when someone gets a fancy new car I either don’t notice or say “cool, nice car.”
Ops whole point is why can’t people fargin ?
Jealousy is a terrible midah .

amother

DarkKhaki

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:23 am

On the one hand, I think it socially inappropriate to make awkward comments about someone's purchases. For sure give a compliment... say you like it... whatever. But then stop talking.

On the other hand, if someone does something that comes across as ostentatious, there are always gonna be people who talk. To your face or behind your back. I am not saying that it's right, just what the reality is.

amother

Crystal

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:23 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I’m not op but when someone gets a fancy new car I either don’t notice or say “cool, nice car.”
Ops whole point is why can’t people fargin ?
Jealousy is a terrible midah .

A car is generally a statement item. Not saying I comment because I don’t- but for myself I definitely choose to drive a simpler car for that reason.

amother

Oleander

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:23 am

amother Yolk wrote:

This. If I saw someone I gave tzedakah to in the past now living with luxuries I don't have- yes- I would not fargin. Unless the person gave back massive amounts to the tzedakah organization.

amother

Fern

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:24 am

OP you have a choice to make: your neighborhood and friends, or your new lifestyle.

You are displaying higher end spending in clothing jewelry and cars in a simple area. That is flaunting it in people’s faces even though I am sure that is not your intention. People are going to be upset that you are bucking the neighborhood standards and it will come out in passive aggressive remarks.

Very few people succeed in maintaining relationships with a circle of very simple friends and neighbors once they have money. The commonality is gone. Conversations about HUD, Childcare vouchers, Aldis, and Target simply isn’t on the same wavelength as SUVs, high end clothing, and vacation spots.

Some make the conscious decision to live simply despite their higher income to continue to fit in. Most move on.

Your best bet is to move to an area of like minded people and social status and make some new friends. It doesn’t have to be a radical move. It can be from Westgate to a few blocks away. It just isn’t realistic to wave a higher lifestyle in your neighborhoods face and expect them to swallow it.

amother

Obsidian

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:25 am

amother Moonstone wrote:

So let's assume she is giving back tzedukah- and let's say she isn't. Who cares?
How does it matter? Why do people have to keep tabs on that? Why does she have to run every purchase by everyone just because she was the recipient once?

For how long is one indebted to explain themselves to the klal after taking tzedukah?
Not that they shouldn't be appreciative and give back but that's on the OP. Its not on the people to demand that.

Having said all that it seems like people are just not used to your somewhat upgraded lifestyle and are asking more out of curiosity because it is a novelty to them.

amother

Catmint

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:28 am

amother OP wrote:

What kind of comments are you getting?

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:38 am

If you live in a simple area and choose to buy something that is very outside of the norm, you're going to attract attention. There's no avoiding it. Not saying it's right or wrong, but if you choose to do this you need to be prepared.

Side note: how is it possible to make your personal car a business expense? My understanding is that if a car is used for both businesses and personal, you can only deduct the percentage of business use. Like if you use it for business 50% of the time, you can deduct that percentage of the cost.

amother

Arcticblue

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:42 am

amother Burlywood wrote:

I wonder if you just feel like you have to excuse yourself. In what way are people not farginning?

Same. What exactly are the comments/questions that you feel a need to answer? Even if I think someone got something big and expensive, I don’t ever demand an explanation…

amother

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:46 am

amother Moonstone wrote:

We give about 80k a year in tzedakos. Far more than our maaser. We just don’t talk about it. Nobody knows where and what we give to.
I don’t live in a yeshivish area as much as a simple one. I didnt grow up with money so when I didn’t have it as a married woman I took it as part of life. It was a big struggle. I was so insecure though that I’d never dare give someone a comment about their “haves”.

amother

Fern

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:49 am

I think what OP fails to realize is that most people live a simple yeshivish lifestyle do so by choice, not by default because they can’t afford it. They make career and employment choices that lead to that income level and lifestyle. To cast in their faces what they are sacrificing by their choices is not going to engender a great reception.

hodeez

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:49 am

amother OP wrote:

You and your husband sound like special people please don't let these comments discourage your efforts. Personally I would try to steer clear of brand names, but of course do what you want with your money. Unfortunately we can't control people's reactions to our actions.

amother

Arcticblue

Tue, Feb 20 2024, 8:53 am

amother OP wrote:

There’s a lot going on with this… and it sounds like you’re still insecure.