Call me a mean mommy but I was at my wits end

Cheiny

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:01 pm

happy7 wrote:

Not a popular opinion, but you might want to try a hook and eye on the outside of the room.
You tell her, I am going to close the door for five minutes. If you stay in bed for the five minutes, I will open the door. If not, I will have to keep the door locked until you are sleeping. You tell her: I will always unlock the door before I go to sleep.

Locking a child in can result in trauma.
Bad idea.

Cheiny

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:04 pm

CPenzias wrote:

Excuse me?! Relax! I've screamed at my kids before bed and felt awful about it and when they woke in the morning it was a fresh day. Kids are forgiving. You learn from mistakes and move on.
Do you have any suggestions besides for lambasting and calling people abusive? If not, go away.

Kids definitely forgive. But don’t be so sure they forget.

Cheiny

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:16 pm

amother Emerald wrote:

Hi op, I truly feel you, I’m an amazing mother I really try my best im really connected to my kids but I have had these moments that I couldn’t control myself and was physical it really hurts me, I don’t hit. I discussed it with my therapist a few times she said if a mother always try’s her best but makes mistakes here and there and apologizes afterwards it doesn’t leave an effect

The therapist said that if the parents tries their best, “makes mistakes here and there” but apologizes, it leaves no effect on the child? Do those mistakes include physical hitting?

Is the therapist not aware that there are plenty of abusers who apologize after each incident and then do it again?

Cheiny

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:19 pm

amother Blushpink wrote:

Is this serious or facetious.
I hope facetious.
OP your daughter will be fine. She needs a mommy with a little backbone who does not overthink every action that she does. I'm not saying you always have to get physical but children can sense when mommy is really serious and when they can "get away with it". Once you squeezed her arm she could see you meant business. You don't necessarily have to squeeze her arm to achieve that, in most cases a firm voice will do.
Have some confidence in your parenting. When you do, your children will sense it and will listen when you need them to.
And please please don't second guess yourself as a mother. Your children will sense that "fear" to and will take full advantage.
These are your children. Hashem gave them to you so you are the perfect parent for them. Never apologize for actually parenting your child by putting your foot down about something.

And unless you have actually abused your child please don't listen to amothers who try to get you to doubt yourself.

Are you saying that arm twisting is “parenting your child by putting your foot down,” and no apology is necessary? And that’s something not to doubt yourself about?

Last edited by Cheiny on Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:43 pm; edited 1 time in total

Cheiny

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:22 pm

amother Blushpink wrote:

All the mothers here need to learn the definition of abuse. This whole thread is actually incredibly demoralizing to a person who has actually been abused.
(Remind me of when people refer to someone as a Nazi. It's insensitive to people who actually have experienced the Nazis.)
A parent gently grabbing a child's arm in frustration is NOT abuse. I know some people who have been abused and they would have loved for their parent to ONCE grab their arm in frustration. So let's all get a grip. (Punny)

Did she say grab? Or did she say twist? I know someone who dislocated their child’s elbow with a twist.

Hurting a child physically is never okay. Never. Period. No one should be minimizing it.

Crookshanks

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:26 pm

If it's wrong to do to a coworker, boss, or friend, it's wrong to do to a 3 year old. Wronger, in fact, as she is helpless and *your responsibility* to keep safe.
You'd murder someone who did that to your daughter, but you'd do it yourself and you'd do it again.

amother

Cinnamon

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:28 pm

I didn't read the whole thread but when my son was 3 he kept coming out of his crib and bedtime was really hard.

I got a tent from Amazon and it was amazing. I told my son the tent was to keep him safe from falling out of his crib and he loved it.

He wouldn't go to sleep until I closed the tent.

Some 3 year olds are not mature enough for incentive programs and don't have self control to stay in bed even when they are tired.

The tent really changed bedtime. Highly recommend.

Cheiny

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:32 pm

amother NeonBlue wrote:

Same here, my therapist keeps telling me I'm stopping the pattern by parenting my children so diff than I was raised. The way I view them, speak to them, enjoy them and cherish them as precious treasures from Hashem that need to be treated as such and not ch'v the opposite. It also helps that I care for myself so don't ch'v let out stress on them. How can one be expected to stay calm with children who are demanding and taking advantage when one is stressed, exhausted, overwhelmed and not nurtured themselves?

By remembering what it felt like when it was done to them, by putting themselves in the child’s shoes and imagining how they would like to be responded to when they are acting up.

Cheiny

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:35 pm

amother Aster wrote:

You hit the nail on the head. This is whats bothering me most I don’t see OP acknowledge anywhere that what she did is not ok. Those who are defending her are saying that she’s obviously regretful but I really don’t see that anywhere on this thread.

I think that’s how the title of the thread comes off as well, as if there’s a “but”/justification after stating what was done wrong.

Cheiny

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:36 pm

amother Papayawhip wrote:

OP, if you're still here, I think there's one more suggestion to be made even though we're on page 8.

I want to think about your day. Not your bedtime routine, but what happened before that. How are you feeling by the time you get your baby gets to bed? (Yes, she's a baby.) What can you do so that you feel less drained, and have more patience for bedtime? What can you do to take care of yourself during the day? What can you do to reduce your own stress at night?

I think thinking about this could take you to some good places.

If it's all the chores that need to get done at night, could some of them perhaps get done earlier? Or while your baby's running around before you put her back to bed? If it's that you need some adult alone time, can you take some for yourself? Even locking yourself in the room if necessary? Or is there something else you can give yourself so you approach bedtime with a little more patience?

And where is the daddy during all this? Is he involved at all in helping bedtime to be handled more smoothly?

Cheiny

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:38 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

I got the strap twice in my life. Was I abused nooooo. Did it teach me a lesson? Defyes
Though would I do it to my kids never.
I feel like certain punishments make you think abuse right away. But first you gotta know the reason for it and how often it occurs.

No, the “reason for it and how often” are irrelevant. Physical punishments are never ok or justified.

Cheiny

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:39 pm

CPenzias wrote:

I'll ask again, do you keep chiming in to make the op feel like [dirt] or do you actually have suggestions? You already said your piece probably 10 times
[Edited by mod. Expletives are not allowed on this site.]

I really think you need to lay off her already. She can have her opinion and you can have yours. You’re doing to her what you’re accusing her of doing.

Cheiny

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:41 pm

amother Aster wrote:

Why r u on her case she is entitled to chime in as many times as she wants. You comment on every one of her comments we get it you don’t agree with her

I agree. It’s been over the top.

Odelyah

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 6:42 pm

I didn't read the whole thread but what does twisting a 3 yr old child's arm gently even mean?? any arm twisting is very painful! way worse than a light potch on the hand which FTR I'm no fan of, but in theory could send a stern message with zero physical pain. (again not saying that's OK parenting either, especially in this very normal bedtime stalling situation! but arm twisting!! is so disturbing and sadistic, truly. ) OP you really need some help if you are this overwhelmed at bedtime. But please don't ever justify this kind of cruelty to yourself; it's not your precious babies' fault that you aren't managing Sad

CPenzias

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 7:11 pm

amother Aster wrote:

Why r u on her case she is entitled to chime in as many times as she wants. You comment on every one of her comments we get it you don’t agree with her

Because I keep getting updated emails every time someone comment and it's the same darn thing. Like get over yourself already. We get it. She thinks the op is a horrible, abusive, disgusting mother.

Crookshanks

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 7:13 pm

CPenzias wrote:

Because I keep getting updated emails every time someone comment and it's the same darn thing. Like get over yourself already. We get it. She thinks the op is a horrible, abusive, disgusting mother.

The solution, sweetheart, is to unfollow the thread.

CPenzias

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 7:13 pm

Cheiny wrote:

Kids definitely forgive. But don’t be so sure they forget.

If it happens over and over then they for sure won't forget or forgive but the op posted because she feels horrible about it so that leads me to believe that she is trying to work on herself so it doesn't happen again

amother

Eggplant

Wed, Feb 21 2024, 7:23 pm

CPenzias wrote:

Because I keep getting updated emails every time someone comment and it's the same darn thing. Like get over yourself already. We get it. She thinks the op is a horrible, abusive, disgusting mother.

I did not once say any of those things.
You may not agree with my opinion, but don't put words in my mouth.
Oh, and just unfollow the thread if the notifications are annoying you.