DD is a Snob | Imamother

amother

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 11:01 am

Dd 9 is very selective with who she plays with. She'll only play with some neighbors and the rest she'll decline to play with.
There are 2 neighbors she does not want to play with and whenever they invite her to play she rather stay home.
Do I encourage her to play with them?
Or do I let her be?
I feel so bad for those girls.
She also does not want to play with dd 5 years old.

amother

Sand

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 11:07 am

Without knowing all the details about your child, I'd keep it in the family first. If she's not playing with the 5 year old, I'd start encouraging something really small and giving her a lot of praise. I'd start with just dual participation like they both sit next to you for a story so they co-exist so to speak. Then, I'd build a little more like a go-fish game or some small 5 min game. And then work with her to be OK with whatever her discomfort is and stretch it into a longer period. And after she stretches herself a bit, maybe think about the neighbors. As long as she isn't mean to anybody, the right of refusal to play with someone is valid, hurtful as it may be.

amother

Magenta

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 11:08 am

Why does having preferences for friends make her a snob? At that age, most children have preferences for who they like to be friendly with.

Also I think it is normal for a nine year old not to want to play with a five year old. They have different interests and it wouid essentially be babysitting instead of having a relationship she wouid have with someone her age who shares her interests.

amother

IndianRed

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 11:15 am

amother Magenta wrote:

This is exactly what I came here to say- both points!

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 11:19 am

amother OP wrote:

I don’t think it’s snobby to not want to play with everyone.
Also, in regard to siblings, I specifically do not like making my kids play together. It’s not fair to make them share friends or interests. That’s not what makes someone a good sibling

B'Syata D'Shmya

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 11:37 am

amother OP wrote:

I wouldnt push it, but you should feel free to be friends with all the mothers as an example.
These things change on their own, and even if it doesnt, your getting involved wont help.

amother

DarkYellow

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 11:41 am

I would only see this as an issue of snobbery if you feel she is jockeying for social status somehow by accepting some playmates and rejecting others.

So, just for one example, if she is willing to play with Girl A when she has nothing better to do, but rejects her whenever Girls B and C are around, that would seem like a potential case of snobbery to me.

But if she just finds certain kids unenjoyable to play with, then making her play with them is basically like making her babysit or do chessed, even if they are her age. Including them when she's already part of a group may be warranted, but definitely not pushing her to play with them when she prefers to just chill by herself.

For the 5 year old, you can try to come up with things they can do semi-together, with the 5 year old playing a junior role. But it may not work. If you sometimes want her to be a mother's helper to you or do a chessed for her sister, I would frame it that way directly instead of pretending they're peers and friends who are playing together.

amother

Latte

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 11:45 am

If my kid has a valid reason I let it go. If she just doesn’t feel like it then I say she has to sometimes say yes because it’s not nice. It’s ok for kids to push themselves slightly out of their comfort zone once in a while to make someone else feel good. This generation in general is everyone out for themselves and the bullying in school is out of control. So I do make sure that my kids don’t hurt others. There is a balance but you can care about her feelings while also making sure she’s not hurting anyone.

amother

Cadetblue

Thu, Feb 22 2024, 2:54 pm

I was not a snob, but I absolutely hated when my mother pushed me to play with girls I had nothing to do with. She always said "but she's such a nice girl."

It wasn't snobbism it was lack of common interests.

We used to have a neighbor my daughter didn't love playing with. She never wanted to play anything, do anything. She wanted to watch my daughter play or do crafts. My daughter didn't enjoy being watched, so she stopped agreeing to play with this girl most of the time. I didn't push it.