How do I deal with my son

amother

Fri, Feb 23 2024, 11:52 am

My 4 year old son can sometimes get in a crazy mood & start hitting & kicking everyone. He really hurts my other kids (as well as me & DH). How do I deal with this? Talking to him, asking him to stop, doesn't help. It doesn't seem like he even hears me when he's in the moment.
What do I do? I don't want to raise my voice to him, but it seems like it's the only thing that makes him stop.
Any advice on how to deal with this?
TIA

amother

Vanilla

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 10:04 pm

Prepare him in advance

When you get angry the way to respond is to say” I am angry.” you need space to calm down-go to your room - it’s not a punishment, this will help you overcome the stress

P3aches

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 10:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

He needs some tough love. Not necessarily a potch, but time out, taking away his favorite toy for a bit, etc. He needs to learn that actions have consequences.

mushkamothers

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 10:12 pm

Physically stop him and help his body calm down.
He's extremely dysregulated
You look out for patterns and avoid it in future
Any other behaviors because this might warrant an evaluation if it's happening a lot and often

Dolly Welsh

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 10:19 pm

You absolutely must not let him really hurt anybody.

If he hurts his siblings, they will assume they don't matter, only he matters.

If he hurts either of his parents, his guilt and then fear of abandonment will be rough on him.

If he doesn't feel those things, it will be even worse, as he will figure has no parents at all, as people you can hurt obviously won't take care of you.

Have your husband, who is stronger than you, without yelling, physically pick him up, and put him in a playpen where he is confined, when this starts.

As to root causes, as the doctor about Pandas. It might be anything, but that is something to test for.

You don't mention if this is new behavior, or if it has a history.

(I have no psychiatric, medical or social work training. I'm also BT.)

amother

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 10:57 pm

mushkamothers wrote:

I don't recognize any specific patterns. It's a new thing & others are telling me that it's normal for this age boy. He's my first boy, so I don't have prior experience.
How can I help his body calm down?
He can be playing quietly by himself for over an hour, and then suddenly start hitting & kicking.

amother

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 10:58 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

I don't allow him to hurt is siblings. I put him in his room whenever he starts hurting anyone. He gets insulted, starts crying & says I'm sorry & he won't do it again....
It's new behavior, started recently.

mushkamothers

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

Maybe it's normal for their boys but a new behavior that's this drastic, at age 4 not younger, isn't normal for me.

What sets him off? Is he hungry. Angry, can't communicate frustration?

Has he had strep or other illness lately

mushkamothers

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

See he's not in control of himself so any kind of behaviorist approach like rewards or punishments isn't going to work

amother

Taupe

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:05 pm

Give him a medium tight hug. And say I love you, looks like you need a hug. I can tell because your hands and feet are touching other people. I know you don't want to hurt your brothers and sisters. Let's put all that energy in a nice big yummy hug. Wait until he pulls away, then you know he had enough. You can let him know if he feels the need to be aggressive or he sees his hands and feet touching others he can come and tell you need a hug. Idk what's motivating your child or what your relationship or what his personality is but this is definitely something I would try. You can also point out afterwards that you see his sibling crying and that is so sad. Model empathy. We want to be gentle so everyone is happy! When our siblings are crying and hurt, we feel sad too etc...
I'm not saying there is no room for separating him from his siblings for a time out afterwards. There is also room to teach verbal negotiation skills. but maybe try to lead with empathy, teaching him to learn about his body and emotions, cause and effect, and keep it positive so he knows you know he wants to do better.

Dolly Welsh

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:11 pm

You say he is your first boy. So he is in a houseful of older sisters.

I recommend more father-time, father picking him up physically and taking him away from everybody to spend time just with him, buddy time.

amother

Mustard

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:12 pm

Physically remove him from the situation. Create a calm down corner, bean bag, sensory toys, books.. tell him he’s gonna sit there for a bit to calm down. At first you’ll have to stay and keep putting him back, but he’ll get the hang of it. It’s not time out, it’s a space to regulate himself.

amother

Vermilion

Sat, Feb 24 2024, 11:15 pm

This is I think the first time I have ever called PANDAS. But the sudden onset and intensity of the behavior is a major red flag to me.

This type of intensity and loss of control could possibly be normal if this was always his personality. If this is a new thing, and there wasn't any tremendous change in his environment or trauma, I'm willing to bet it's PANDAS or something similar.

amother

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 12:06 am

mushkamothers wrote:

He didn't have strep recently. He did have the flu.
I can't figure out what sets him off, it happens out of the blue. He can listen to a story for 2 hours quietly & them just start kicking & hitting me.
He only does it at home. He's very well behaved in school or when we're away from home.

amother

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 12:07 am

amother Vermilion wrote:

How do I test for pandas?
Can it be pandas if it only happens at home?

amother

Dimgray

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 10:45 am

amother OP wrote:

Have you tried sending him to the bathroom? My kids do that when they're holding it in.
Also check for pinworms.

amother

Sun, Feb 25 2024, 10:55 am

amother Dimgray wrote:

Have you tried sending him to the bathroom? My kids do that when they're holding it in.
Also check for pinworms.

I take him to the bathroom. Though he has been constipated on & off lately, I wonder if there's a connection?
How do I check for pinworms? Can it be pinworms if he only behaves like this at home? He's well behaved in school & when away from home.
And he sleeps well bh.