Im totally failing this parenting thing

amother

Wed, Feb 28 2024, 6:37 pm

I don't know what Hashem was thinking giving me children and children with high needs on top of it all. I cannot do it.
I have ADHD and cannot Medicate with stimulants due to a health issue. I'm not managing. There are a million things to be on top and I'm just failing it all. I keep being reminded of another thing I let fall through the cracks or forgot. I'm not working because it's too much for me, we have as much cleaning help we can afford, but it's just so many details. From remembering to cut each kids nails, reminding them to brush their teeth, making appointments for each child, doing homework, being on top of their notes and projects, it's endless and I am drowning and failing.
Signed,
A depressed dysfunctional mother who just can't get it together no matter how hard I try.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Feb 28 2024, 6:53 pm

Are the kids alive? Are they clean and presentable, well, reasonably? Are they polite to strangers and guests?

Are they in school? Do they pass their teachers' minimal standards for the classes?

Is your husband alive and eating and sleeping, and doing his thing, whatever that is?

Are you bathed, dressed, and combed?

If someone came to your house, would they get coffee, and would there be someplace to sit down?

If the answer to these questions is yes, you are doing FINE.

amother

Wed, Feb 28 2024, 8:31 pm

I have checklists but there are so many variables and moving parts when it comes to kids, so much falls through the cracks. And there are a bunch of kids too!
My husband helps some but because I cannot hold down a job he has to singlehandedly support us and works a lot.
I've got the loving, creative, cooking, fun part of mommying down pat. My kids get a ton of time and attention but the basics are just falling apart.
Even the lists and alarms is a ton to keep track of.
Are my kids clean? Sometimes. I forget to cut nails and be on top of their toothbrushing and one child went to school with smelly underwear because I forgot to make sure she changed it and the teacher called me. Everyone has at least one bath or shower a week.
There is usually clean laundry if not I throw in a load. I have a lot of clothes for the kids so I have back up.
I love to cook so there is always food.
No they aren't on top of their homework or bringing the right things to school. Some are affected more than others by this.
Oh and I still haven't made my own mammogram appt or followed up on the dentist appts that I still need to make.
I'm not exaggerating that I'm drowning.

amother

Oldlace

Wed, Feb 28 2024, 11:28 pm

I am the same. or worse. Because I am working even though I really truly cannot just like you. I am flailing in my job also.
No, my kids hardly do their HW. And if they end up doing it I find the sheets at home the next day right after they leave to school.
Brushing teeth? lol. enough said.
At least you'r good with the fun parts and cooking. I'm not on top of that either. Every single thing is too much for my adhd brain to handle.
forget about appointments. They never happen unless a kid is sick or compalining their tooth is is agony.
My house is a flying tornado...

thegiver

Wed, Feb 28 2024, 11:57 pm

. From remembering to cut each kids nails,
That’s once a month

reminding them to brush their teeth,
They can do it themselves

making appointments for each child,
For us that’s just 4/ yr

doing homework,
They can call their friends

being on top of their notes and projects,
Their own responsibility how else will teacher know how they’re doing

it's endless and I am drowning and failing.
Signed,
A depressed dysfunctional mother who just can't get it together no matter how hard I try.[/quote]

familyfirst

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 12:07 am

Sounds so tough

Going to suggest BC till things fall into place

How old is your oldest? Can she be in charge of reminding kids to brush teeth? No need to make her a second mom, but get the kids on board to be your helpers

Can clothes be prepared night before? That way you’ll be certain that everyone has what they need

Forget homework. It’s the kids responsibility
Tell them to let you know when it’s done and they get a point on the chart for it

Schedule well visit and dentist appointments during the sumner.

Amazing that you got the cooking and fun part down pat. That’s huge. So many are so busy being functional that forget to make the journey enjoyable too.

And there’s something so comforting about a delicious homemade meal!

amother

Cerise

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 12:33 am

I've given up and embraced the chaos.

No we don't do certain appointments. DH does the ones that must be done. Or they don't happen. Sue me. My kids are BH healthy anyhow.

I don't bother with homework. Except for a few months this year where I really needed to help DD with kriyah (she was WAY behind) I managed to do it more often. Otherwise, I don't even try.

Cutting nails... lol. Every so often I notice my 3yo's overgrown nails and think, "oh, I should cut them," and the thought gets relegated back to the clutter heap that's my head. Will I ever remember when I actually have access to a nail clipper? Maybe someday.

Teeth brushing is part of my night reminders. I don't actually ENFORCE it, but for kids to be considered "ready for bed" and eligible for me to turn on the story tapes and for DH to bring them apple slices, they are supposed to have brushed their teeth. Whether or not they are doing it, and if they are HOW they are doing it... whatever. At least it's on their radar.

Are my kids growing up in a functional home? Maybe not. But this is the parent they were given. And in some ways it's an advantage. I don't have crazy expectations of them, and I don't panic when things are imperfect.

Yes keep working on one thing at a time. Look for small solutions. But don't pretend that your essential being as mother is flawed because you struggle with some of the details. You are a loving caring mother, full stop. And that's the main thing your kids need.

amother

Apple

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 12:46 am

thegiver wrote:

[/quote]

Really in no way is this intended to make anyone feel even worse. Just really wondering, is once a month enough for your kids nails? How? My kids nails grow so fast that I can cut them every 6 days! Is it just my kids? Hate hate this job, it’s a fight every time….

amother

Heather

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 1:10 am

amother OP wrote:

Sounds like your doing great! Your kids are well fed and they have a creative loving mommy who feeds them nourishing food! Pat yourself on the back. Just be present. One foot in front of the other.
I would skip as much homework as I could and start by setting out clean clothing for each of them the night before right after dinner time. Try to build in one simple routine at a time.

amother

Steelblue

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 1:32 am

My husband has adhd and I have a lot of compassion for the moms on this thread.
I wonder if telling the teachers about the homework would be helpful, maybe they can serve as an external reminder of sorts to get the kids used to it without you. A chart maybe. Extra reminders.
Maybe they can make homework partners for the younger ones who will call them and do homework over the phone.
Or even for the teachers to be aware that daily homework is challenging and to give a heads up about a test or something. I don’t know.
Also if there’s a way to rope in any compassionate family or friends.
To somehow act as an external nudge. This would only work if it’s someone who is compassionate and you’re not afraid to be vulnerable with.
In my life if I could serve as that for someone somehow I would.
Brushing teeth is probably the one that resonate the most because when my kids have teeth issues it’s thousands upon thousands of dollars worth. It’s nuts.

kermit

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 12:26 pm

Hi, fellow ADHD mom here.

One of the ways I function by making offloading some of the details.

Doctor and dentist call to remind ME about appointments.
Bills get automated.
Standard grocery deliveries that I can go in and adjust from gourmet glatt.

And my kid handles a lot of their own self-care. not in a mean way, just in a 'personal responsibility' way.

Since age 3 they got themselves dressed. Since age 5 THEY'RE in charge of making sure they bathe and brushes teeth every night (comes to me or hubby to turn on water in shower, not me reminding them) and clips fingernails every Friday (comes to me or hubby with the clippers after bath. snip snip).

cleans up shoe area every day when gets home. packs OWN snack every night from pantry. cleans knapsack themself once a week. friday, sets table for me except for the tablecloth we do together. Motzi shabbos cleans up toys and books from living room right after havdalah.

folds laundry with me once a week -- and puts own stack of clothes away in the bins I set for them per clothing cateogory.

With each task, it took a bit to get them used to it, I was quite quite firm but loving for a few weeks till the new habit set in each time, I was able to manage being very on top of it for that period knowing that there was an endgame where I wouldn't have to permanently hold the moving part. if I DO see slacking off, depends what it is -- either they suffers their own consequences, or a firm reminder from me 'munchkin, I can tell you didn't brush your teeth last night. it's important to remember because even though you're adorable your friends will not like to smell stinky breath' etc. etc etc.

In general, I don't have to own it for them.

Honestly, it's good for them to know how to do it anyways, life skills! good for self confidence, good for development. just, good!

amother

Steelblue

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 12:41 pm

kermit wrote:

I don’t have adhd and have a hard time getting my kids to do these things.
Dh with adhd would never be able to.
How did that work? That’s sort of the struggle to begin with!!

amother

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 1:48 pm

So here's the thing: I really believe in kids being responsible for their things and themselves. I followed this theory for years but it's all coming crashing down because my kids CAN'T. Or WON'T unless I am keeping track, reminding, on top of the routines. Yes normal kids should be able to do x by this age without you being on top of it but most of my kids are ND and they can't. So so much of these things fell to the ways side. Now it's catching up with me and then and I am drowning in the millions of tasks and "on top of ness" I need to be involved in.
I struggle even for myself, now I need to executive function for 4/6 humans as well?

kermit

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 3:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

I hear you.

I worked actively with my therapist on this, but it could also be we have different types of ADHD. I can't shift gears, I get trapped in my own body (like leave the shower running for myself for 30 minutes but just stand outside it staring it type of dysfunctional. not brush my teeth dysfunctional) . I also hyperfocus, or disassociate, and get overwhelmed by steps.

The tool my therapist taught me is called "habit stacking." making things happen automatically so I don't have to take any mental or emotional energy to do them.

For example, as soon as I finish dinner, I immediately wash dishes. they used to sit in sink all week bc of executive dysfunction and having a hard time shifting tasks. He taught me that forcing myself to do it at first, after a week or so I will find it easier and a month or so in it will be automatic. By knowing it would get easier I was able to absolutely force myself -- and now my body just goes to the sink and does it.

My son also has same tendencies as me.
so I have to really sit on his head the first 20 times, then sit a little on him the next 20, and by then, it just happens. Thank you Hashem it works. Easy to be cocky now who knows what will be in a year or 2. but it's been working for several yars.

Having the same tendencies as my son, learning how to manage my conditions is helping him. and I keep learning as well.

things like setting up easy systems for organizing like bins and home for every item. or literally throwing EVERYTHING out unless I need it, so clutter doesn't get away from me etc etc.

being a parent exacerbates every weakness we have. it's so hard.

I also have weeks when I'm feeling really sad or overwhelmed and my own systems fall apart. but I try to get back to myself and speak nicely to myself when it happens. and ask for help.