UPDATED: HELP my baby with EXTREME separation anxiety

amother

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 10:26 pm

and by EXTREME I mean every single sitter I've tried calls I should pick her up. within an hour of being dropped off. I've tried many... she refuses any distractions just shrieks till I pick her up. only mommy is good, not even daddy or her siblings. she is turning 1 soon. I had physical complication in pregnancy which may have caused it, but I have no idea how to reverse that. any solutions??

UPDATE: (all relevant details so I can get responses that make sense)
She is #6 in the family. She is not used to go to a babysitter because I don't work, but I have not worked since child #2. By my other kids, I would go to a babysitter who I trust, sit there with them and play a few minutes, and then leave. when the child realized I was not there, of course they started to cry, at which point the sitter calmed them down, mommy's coming soon. my more stubborn kids cried a bit longer, but the sitter has never called me in middle of an appointment to pick up my child. those sitters have experience with crying babies.
Now here is why I believe this is extreme and not regular baby behavior:
every. single. babysitter. I tried for her called me within the hour of being dropped off I should come get her. babysitter was sometimes grandma who she sees often, sometimes my sister who she also knows and loves (when I'm around). and sometimes proffesional babysitters whom all my friends use and are happy with.
recently I knew I had an appointment coming up that I can not take her along, and my DH will not be avail to fetch her if (when..) the sitter calls. so I went the day before and paid for an hour babysitting and sat there the whole time with her. so that she gets to know the place and the sitter with me. the next day, there were only 2 other babies around so she had full attention from the babysitter, AND I WAS CALLED TO PICK HER UP.
it is not just by babysitters. at home, she comes with me to the bathroom always. heaven forbid if I shower while she sleeps and she wakes up unexpectedly. it takes her a while to calm down. when I'm working next to her, she can play for half hour with one toy hapilly, but if I go to the next room, I need to hold her and reassure her for a good few minutes till she calms down.

FOR THOSE WHO SAID ITS AGE APPROPRIATE: it's been going on for months. since abt 3 months old.

FOR THOSE WHO SAID ITS BECAUSE I DONT WORK: true she is not used to babysitters like your baby, but with as much reassurance as I give, she should not be that impossible that every babysitter calls

FOR THOSE WHO SAID ITS BECAUSE I KEEP CHANGING SITTER: well if the babysitter doesn't wanna take her again after the last fiasco, what are my choices? I must send to a diff one

FOR THOSE WHO SAID ITS NORMAL I feel terrible that your kids are like this always. this is definitely not the norm.

the only thing that is different by this child, comparing to my others, was a serious physical issue that I had during pregnancy. I was a nervous wreck and a few ppl closed to me have suggested that it might be the reason for her extereme attachment. anyone knows how to reverse that? or has another explanation for this atypical behavior?

amother

Tanzanite

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 10:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

one of my kids was like that as a baby. Before sending to a babysitter, I would go with her and play with her at the babysitter's house so it became a familiar place and she knew it was a safe place with me being there.

unfortunately, the need to try many babysitters as your write, only makes the situation worse. Imagine if you switched workplaces every week, would be even more anxiety inducing.

scintilla

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 10:39 pm

amother Tanzanite wrote:

This definitely. It's an adjustment, and if you've tried many could be baby is "traumatized" (not true trauma but can't think of a better word) from being with so many new unfamiliar people.

What helped my kids besides for the slower adjustment was craniosacral therapy, and time, and tons of snuggles and one on one time. Could be your baby is an HSP (highly sensitive person) which is not a diagnosis, more of a description, my kids who are like that had extreme separation anxiety pretty much from day 1.

amother

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 11:32 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

But her present age is exactly the age of separation anxiety. It can be that at this age, the child wails when mom goes to the bathroom and closes the door for a minute. She has discovered social relations, but is still vague on object stability. Meaning, she thinks if she can't SEE mommy, mommy no longer exists.

It passes. It's just a developmental phase, entirely normal. This is NOT extreme. It's the age.

An hour is about what you get from a sitter, at that age.

she's not my first. I bh have a house full of kids and I think I know whats normal for kids. did not start now at this age, going on since 2-3 months!!

amother

Thu, Feb 29 2024, 11:34 pm

amother Tanzanite wrote:

I don't work. the many sitters are from various appointments spread over a few months. not like she was in a new house every other day. and I did not choose to try many different ones, only the ones that babysat her refused to take her again! yikes!

amother

Denim

Fri, Mar 01 2024, 2:22 am

Op I'm in the same boat with a younger baby 😩 6 months. Interesting that we're both posting the same thing on the same day.

But the sitter he isn't happy with isn't a stranger at all! They've been in a loving relationship since he was 2 months old. He used to be all smiles when I dropped him off. The last two weeks were so bad she quit. I'm assuming it would be even worse with a new sitter but I have to try because I can't afford to lose my job 😩

I totally disagree with the first poster who said it's normal. Most parents I know work and have either a babysitter or send kid to daycare for a whole or half day. I was only sending for 3 hours a day. No it is not normal for a baby to not last an hour without Mommy.

I don't know what to do.

amother

PlumPink

Fri, Mar 01 2024, 3:11 am

I work in a private day care. We have 13 babies from the age of 10 months through to a year and a half with 4 adult women. There was one little boy who would scream for the entire day unless he was sleeping. It was like this for months.
We just kept on reassuring him that he was safe and that mommy was coming back over and over. It took a long while but he finally understood and started playing and not screamimg all day.
You have to find someone who is ok that your child screams. But will be able to help your child. Dont keep changing babysitters. That makes it worse I think.

Brit in Israel

Fri, Mar 01 2024, 3:44 am

amother OP wrote:

That's the problem. Every day, every hour they are with you. And then suddenly one day you take them to a random strange place with a stranger and you disappear. And then 2 weeks/months later again. The children who go daily to a sitter realises after 3days/weeks that every day after they play they are fetched and then they calm down and are happy to go.
I had it with my oldest when I worked from home and she stayed with me but biweekly went to the office and she went to a sitter. Those nights I had to sit with her holding her hands until she eventually fell asleep but if she woke up it started again she was worried I would disappear on her.
My youngest now has extreme stranger/separation anxiety, she won't walk past her grandparents to get to the toys and as well screams if I leave the house and she is home with DH who she loves him. She most times times comes to the toilet with me unless I escape whilst she is too busy. She loves going to gan now but it took a couple of weeks until she saw I come fetch her. It has started to get better now and she is nearly 2.5, I do think a large factor was her many dr appointments with having this fear and then being hospitalised at 9 months pushed it to the extreme.

Im not sure what advice I can offer you if you can't take them with to the appointment but I'm sure speaking to them before telling that you are going out and going to come fetch them very soon/after they nap and constant reassurance will definitely help.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Mar 01 2024, 8:46 am

amother OP wrote:

Im sure complications in your pregnancy didnt cause this.
To me this sounds like a baby who is just not at all ready to be away from mommy. Thats all.
Yes, I understand that that may make life a bit dufficult. But you have to decide, either bring her with you, find a sitter who will watch your child even if said child is screaming or find a family member to watch or change your appointments for times that you can leave her home with someone.

scintilla

Fri, Mar 01 2024, 9:22 am

I read your edit. I still feel it's pretty normal for a kid with this kind of temperament to not be ok with being left at a babysitter, I'm more surprised all your other kids were ok with it honestly. None of my kids would have ever tolerated it, I didn't even try because I knew there was no point. I scheduled appointments for when my husband could be there but usually I just brought them along. It's not easy but it is my reality.

It definitely could be that the pregnancy could have caused it (probably your anxiety about it more than the actual issue) but tachlis now what you can do it about it? I do have some tips but I also you need to realize that this may just be your child's nature and you will have to adapt to it, there is no magical cure. My kids still cry when I go to the bathroom when they're 3+. They're just like this by nature. Their nervous system is simply wired differently and there's nothing you or they can do about that fact. Just ways you can support them.

Ok for the tips:
Craniosacral therapy, I really believe it helped a lot, I would have done it more I just couldn't afford it but I saw the most results when I did it
Build up to leaving her, start very small like in the house saying you're going to another room, you'll be right back, and coming back within say 10 seconds. Then 30 then a minute etc. Sounds crazy but it really worked.
Never ever leave even the room without saying that you're going, ymmv with this one, some kids it makes them more anxious but with my babies it made them feel more safe even though they protested me leaving the room
Play peekaboo - it really helps build the understanding

amother

Ultramarine

Fri, Mar 01 2024, 9:22 am

I believe there is evidence that sometimes when a mother has high levels of stress hormones frequently during pregnancy, the baby can be born with similar tendencies. I think it's very plausible in your case. However, that still doesn't give you an answer as to how to help her. Forcing separation is obviously not the way to go... My gut feeling is that allowing her very strong attachment, as difficult as it is for you, will calm her over time, and she naturally start separating once it's not as anxiety provoking for her. But as long as she's forced to be separated from you, she will keep sliding back into extreme anxiety. She is relying on you for co- regulation, so keep this in mind.

amother

Denim

Fri, Mar 01 2024, 9:46 am

amother Peony wrote:

I'm no expert but I dont see how pregnancy could have caused this issue, but I will add that I did start with mnri(OT) for this anxiety in my baby at 4months- shes a year now. I did lots of research and spoke to professionals- some kids are just BORN with anxiety.
also wondering- when she cries how does she like to be calmed? does she like/dislike to be cuddled.

Did the OT help?
My baby didn't seem to be born with anxiety per se, has always been super happy and friendly, but sleep issues were since birth. I thought this one I would crib train young but from day 1 he almost never slept independently.

Tzutzie

Fri, Mar 01 2024, 10:06 am

Op it does not sound normal to me at all.

Poor baby. Poor mommy.

One of my children, I was pregnant and PP at a very stressful anxious time.
We moved communities, we had a very I'll parent than later died. And some over stressful things.
To this day she is a very anxious child.
It took a few babysitters to find the right one. One babysitter just told me she was fine. And I saw that wasn't true. She must have cried her head off for those 3 hours. Her eyes were completely sunken. Her face was RED. Her fists tight. And her voice was weird.
She came highly recommended. But I never took her back there.
We found an amazing babysitter who babysitter out of her home.
The first time she cried but she was the only baby their. So she held and comforted her the entire time. THE NEXT TIME she went she didn't even cry when I handed her over. The 3rd time she smiled at her and willingly went.
They had such a sweet bond. Every time we'd see her babysitter in the street she's squeal and kick her legs with excitement. It made me feel so happy and calm that she feels so happy and safe in her care.

So it's a 3 pronged approach that I did.

1 - I prepared my baby. She was almost a year and I believe she understood me verbally already. So I told her what was going to happen. That she will play eat and nap there. And after the nap I will come get her.

2 - I found a babysitter than can give her her full attention even if she cried throughout.

3 - I worked on her anxiety.
I took her to a cranio sacral therapist. I believe a lot of my stress went into her in utero. So I needed that energy released.
I also practiced mini separations with her as a game. Over and over and over and over and over again.
Peekaboo with my hands. Go around the bend or close thr door. Count till 3 say "where's mommy? Oy, we don't see mommy!" "Oh! Here's mommy!"
Over and over and over again.

Good luck. I hope you figure this out.