Wanna move and my kids are against it

amother

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 2:39 pm

We have been wanting to move for a very long time. We could never afford it.
Now we are at a point where we are okay in our community but don’t like where it is going. We don’t like the school. One child is in a school where she feels good but it is too secular for her and our level of observance. She is observant but slacking in the areas that the school doesn’t support (e.g. davening). She is 14.
Other kids are pre-teen and like the school that we don’t like (they have never known better).

We can afford to live in a different community and have chosen one, but it’s abroad and kids need to learn a whole new language.
Then there is another place with a better community, but the schools are not much better.
Kids would agree to move to Israel but we cannot afford it yet. Would need another couple of years.

So we have started to explore the move and my kids are literally crying telling us they don’t want to move. We are shocked.
Do we give up the idea? Do we try and persuade them because we know better?

Will it ruin everything if I move a teenager from the school she likes?

amother

Mustard

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 2:46 pm

I would be very very wary of moving kids those ages. Especially if they need to learn a whole new language. It can really ruin them. Be very careful and speak to a rav to make sure it's really the right thing for your family.
Also, check out the community really well to make sure it's not a mistake as you can't keep moving children around like that.

Cheiny

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 3:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

Kids generally adapt very well. I would not allow them to dictate your decision, especially since you have very valid reasons for wanting to move and especially to get them out of their current environment which can certainly have negative effects if they stay there.

I’d discuss it with a Rov but not allow my decision to be based only on what they want. They’re still kids at the end of the day and parents know what’s better for them.

amother

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 3:32 pm

amother NeonGreen wrote:

I don’t get why you’re shocked. A teenager would have to be miserable in the place they live in to want to move. Moving means losing their friends, starting over in a new school which is scary and potentially traumatic.

I just never expected them to literally cry. I also thought they would like the place where we would like to move too. There are perks too.
And yes it feels great to go to her school because it’s fun.

That’s why I want to move her. It was never s long term solution to begin with.

amother

Heather

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 3:37 pm

Just throwing this out there, not sure if this would be an option, probably not for most, it's unique & will come with expenses like extra traveling, & the family I'm thinking of as far as I know is a very happy, close family - I'm not sure if the following was done due to the DC wanting or not wanting to move, but while they made aliyah, their highschooler stayed put & boarded by a family, I'm assuming her family offered money for food, expenses & what not.

I agree with another, that while op you can get some good ideas here perhaps, I'd seek wise guidance through this process as while on the one hand kids are resilient & can adapt, otoh, should be handled carefully & will need a lot of siyata dishmaya. Hatzlacha!

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 3:55 pm

lamplighter wrote:

Moving teenagers, especially to a new country, should only be done for extenuating emergency circumstances.

This. We are talking about going to a new country and needing to learn a new language. We arent talking about toddlers, but teens! I cant believe this is even a conversation.. this should not be an option, especially when they dont even want to move. This could have such long term damage to your kids OP, way more than being in a school that is a little more secular.

Ema of 5

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 4:23 pm

It’s so much more than a just new language. It’s a new culture, they have to make new friends where they don’t know the norms and nuances, it might be a different way of learning than what they are used to….I wouldn’t if it wasn’t absolutely necessary.
I agree with the first response, you need real life hadracha here, not guidance from random women who will, inevitably, disagree with each other.

mha3484

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 4:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

I dont want to be hurtful but once you start in a more left wing school you need to make peace with that becoming your childs hashkafa. Putting a teen in a school more to the right isnt fair to them if they arent used to it and arent on board.

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 4:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

C"V up-ending a teenager's life can sometimes lead to them losing even that which they struggle with now, and leaving more behind.

amother

Stoneblue

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 4:48 pm

My family moved when I was almost 12 to a different state in the middle of the school year. I had no say. It was so my dad could make more $$$. It was stupid and selfish of my parents. I had SUCH a hard time and really struggled. I just didn't click with the schools I was in and my parents weren't willing to let me switch so I was stuck. Plus the culture (east coast vs the south) was SO different. Please don't do this to your kids.

amother

RosePink

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 5:50 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

I think the only move that is worth the adjustment like this is one to Israel. Even then I'd be very hesitant if all kids weren't on board.

I moved at 10 because of my father's job.
His company was downsizing and the only comparable job near a decent size Jewish community that he could find was 800 miles away.
It was difficult and traumatic.

What made it easier was 1) my parents being honest that this was the only option 2) they let me be not ok with it. They were ok with me showing unhappiness. They acknowledged how difficult it was, they didn't minimize the difficulty.

As an adult, I am able to be ok with it and see the positives because I can see how little options my parents actually had.

My point is that sometimes there is no choice but to uproot teens.

amother

Begonia

Mon, Mar 11 2024, 5:51 pm

We just moved abroad, oldest is 13. Kids were all extremely for it and they are fluent in the language and it's still a very very hard adjustment. If kids are against it I would not do it. Especially if you plan to uproot again in a few years and move to Israel.