S/o wanna move and kids against it

amother

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 3:47 pm

I’m dating someone and if it works out, I will need to move to his city.

My 13.5 DD will be devastated to move away from her friends, and it’s much less of a concern for my 15 DS who is anyway dorming in yeshiva.

Their father isn’t in the picture much and I’m hearing conflicting advice. Remarry and move so the kids have a loving stepfather and regular two parent household structure, or wait till she’s an adult, and it’s not fair to uproot her just because I maybe watt to marry this guy.

amother

Bluebell

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 4:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

From my experience of people remarrying with teens, they are always unhappy.
I had a couple of friends whose parents remarried. They were 15 or 16 though.

However if it’s really The One, then maybe it’s more important.

mha3484

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 4:03 pm

I don't know what kind of community you live in. Will she 100% go to High school with all her elementary friends or will they all go separate places? I think for a lot of girls, their social group changes a lot once they get to HS so it may be a similar change if you were to move.

My own experience was that in 9th grade there was kind of a reorganization of our friend groups. Everyone felt like the new kid in a new school even if we were all coming from the same middle schools but once you find your group its much much harder. So this age could be ideal. She wont be any more awkward then anyone else figuring out the next step.

Has she gone to sleepway camp? Does she know girls in other cities? That can go a long way in feeling less uncomfortable in a new place.

amother

NeonGreen

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 4:13 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

so hard!
as someone whose father died when I was young. I'll be honest I wouldn't have been happy at all if my mother had remarried. It would have been incredibly stressful having a guy in the house so I couldn't sing, have to be tzniusdik... moving as well would be a whole nother trauma.
On the other hand my aunt never remarried and supposedly she almost did but had a single son and therefore waited and then never remarried which is so sad Sad

as an adult I understand that mothers deserve happiness and I wouldn't want to live alone but I think a new stepfather is really something that should be done with lots of guidance.
would it be an option for her to board or dorm where you currently live.

amother

Bellflower

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 4:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

Could he move to you instead?

amother

Wallflower

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 7:02 pm

I vote that you should marry him if you want to.

It's a struggle for your DD for the next 4 years or so. For you, it's the rest of your life. And you're also a person. You matter too. The kids don't always come first.

Totally agree with tichelady that you should get a lot of guidance on how. But the what seems clear to me.

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 8:28 pm

amother Bluebell wrote:

My mother remarried when I was a tween. She dreamed we would be one big happy family. My life became enormously more difficult once she married between my stepfather and step siblings and frankly I wish she hadn’t married him (and I’m 40). One thing she did do though- she asked a shaila about whether she should uproot us and was told she should not.

amother

Violet

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 9:30 pm

I understand you are lonely, (single mom here) but if your daughter is going to be miserable, so will you. She will be extremely vocal in all her disappointments and probabley will blame you, especially in the Teenage stage. She will be losing her friends and everything about her. Re-marriage takes a lot of work,especially if children are involved. Is she the type to make new friends easy? If not, then you might have some issues.

amother

Aqua

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 10:02 pm

amother Wallflower wrote:

It can actually affect her DD for the rest of her life too, as well as put their relationship in jeopardy

Kids don’t always come first? We aren’t talking about about choosing her favorite activity over yours when it comes to a family outing. We are talking about completely uprooting and altering a teenage girls life. Yes, it will probably have lifelong repercussions.

Young girls who live at home have a really huge, hard and often miserable adjustment to having a stepfather move in. They can no longer dress a certain way, sing whenever, there are yichud issues, they have a man who is not their father coming in to be the man of their home. On top of all the emotional adjustments of watching a parent remarry and love someone else, which is REALLY hard already. To pile on top of this and remove her from her home, her school, her friends and community, and completely upend her life as she knows it, will most likely end very very badly. For her, and for you.

I would not do this to my child.

amother

cornflower

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 10:03 pm

amother Violet wrote:

this will put a great strain on your marriage and your relationship with her. I know everyone deserves to be happy and no one should be alone but I wish people would take their kids feelings more into consideration….

amother

Apricot

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 10:15 pm

I can understand if you choose to remarry.
Just don't think of it as something that will be good for your daughter.
Like so many posters are saying, it will be very difficult for her.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. You deserve happiness.
But definitely don't think that you're doing it for her.

amother

Ebony

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 10:21 pm

I wouldn't do it to my children. I am an adult married woman and I had a hard time with my mother remarrying when I am an adult. I cannot imagine how angry, confused, and annoyed I would be if she had remarried when I was a teen. And then move along with it? No way.

Sorry to be harsh, but shouldn't you have figured out how this would effect your kids prior to dating anyone?

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 10:50 pm

What if you put it more in her hands and told her this is what you’d like to do but if she doesn’t think she can handle it you can wait until she’s ready, even if that’s until she’s 18.

That might mean a longer dating period or it breaking off with this person but at least you know you put her first, while knowing that if it’s meant to be it will work out.

amother

Zinnia

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 11:10 pm

amother Wallflower wrote:

Agreed. This is the rest of YOUR life. Your need for marriage is just important as your daughters needs ..... I don't think the question is IF you should remarry, but rather how.
Your daughter won't be the first teen to be unhappy about a parents remarriage.
You need lots of guidance on how to do this, and lots of siyatta d'shmiya.
Hatzlacha, and may you have only nachas from your kids!!!

amother

PlumPink

Tue, Mar 12 2024, 11:49 pm

This is so not an imamother question. You should be asking your rav, your daughter's therapist, your own therapist, and other people you know IRL who know you and know the whole picture. If you do go ahead with the remarriage, your DD will anyway need a therapist and you might consider a family therapist as well as a marriage therapist. So get those now and hopefully they can help you clarify the best course of action.