Advice for talking to son in mesivta OOT

amother

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 1:04 pm

feels like he doesnt have much to say and is waiting for me to drive the conversation.
and/or he is calling out of obligation but has no interest in staying on the phone..
thoughts? ideas of what to ask him, how to drive the conversation? thanks

amother

Firethorn

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 1:08 pm

Advice I got from another mother when I first sent my son away:

You demonstrate. Shmooze, talk about all the stuff happening at home, and Esty got a good grade on her Chumash test, and the Steins came over last night, and Moishy lost his ball and found it in the dryer, and the baby just grew another tooth, and I found the perfect baskets for the Shalach Manos, and guess what Bubby told me?

Eventually he will pick up on the idea and start sharing his own minutiae in Yeshiva.

amother

Gardenia

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 1:29 pm

When they dorm in yeshiva, every day is almost the same. There isn't much new to tell.

I tell them about things happening on the home front--things siblings did, funny things that happened, etc. In the beginning it was more yes/no. Now they'll comment on what I say, tell me about people they ate at for shabbos meals, tell me about chavrusas changing, etc.

amother

Teal

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 1:34 pm

It's hard, especially when the answer to every question is a short "BH." But try to ask about his life - how are his chavrusas, how are his roommates, how was Shabbos, does he have any bechinas coming up, how is the food, how does like his Rebbe and shiur, how is he sleeping, does he get to play ball or exercise, what are his Purim plans, etc. If any question gets more than 1 sentence answer, then remember to keep asking about that topic in the future.

exhausted

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 1:45 pm

My son calls me because he wants to talk but doesn't have much to say😂. So yes, I tell him about all the random things happening around the house.

amother

NeonPurple

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 3:56 pm

Mesivta was many years ago and my sons now have children of their own. Our convos are super boring and always start the same way. Hi-how are you-fine B"H-what's new-nothing of note-where will you be for Shabbos-right here-what are the kids up to-nothing good-you wanna talk to Dad?-oh you already talked to him, good,well I went to the dentist today and tomorrow I have to go back.

Really radical stuff. Doesn't matter at all. What matters is that we're talking to each other, maintaining a connection. The more often you talk the less "exciting" stuff there is to talk about and the more you rely on minutiae. After all, even in large families a sibling doesn't get engaged or a job or admitted to an institution of higher education every day. And the phone is not the greatest medium for DMC's.

Hashem_Yaazor

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 4:56 pm

I just want to say that as they get older, I find it much easier. They have wider opinions about things, an older range of friends (and all the simchos iyh those entail), future life planning... The first years I find are much harder (what did they serve for supper? Did you like it? How's it going with your chavrusa/roommate?... And as mentioned, you bring up the family happenings)

keym

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 5:07 pm

I ask questions that have a specific answer rather than yes/no.
What was for supper? At least I'll get 1-3 sentence answer.
Did you like supper will get a yes grunt or no grunt

amother

Leaf

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 6:57 pm

My son is in his 4th year away from home and he hasn’t got more talkative. As I go through my day anything small or random that happens I make a mental note. They’re away from home and crave any news. A neighbor who had a baby, the shul news, what I ordered on Amazon, what I returned to Amazon, who I saw in the grocery. Surprisingly he loves it. It’s a learned art;)

groisamomma

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 7:06 pm

lol I chew his ear off for hours 😂
As he got older he has more to share.

Just fill the silence and eventually they start asking about the goings-on at home.

amother

NeonPurple

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 7:26 pm

When my boys went to EY I kept a notebook in which I jotted down anecdotes and questions for them as they occurred to me. The phone calls were costly and the boys' free time painfully short, and I didn't want to waste their calls fumfering around for something to talk about. This method worked very well; I should start doing this again. I'm forever saying "There was something I wanted to ask you/tell you but now it slipped my mind."

amother

Tue, Mar 19 2024, 8:29 pm

thank you all for the tips. Im laughing that asking what he had for supper gets one amother's son to say 2-3 sentences.. I guess it goes to show that there is lots of variety among unshmoozy mesivta boys. that question results in "I dont know...chicken" or similar from my son. always starts with I dont know lol. hes not so into food.