Feels so unfair re: boys collecting

amother

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 11:12 am

Every year ds cheder announces who collected the most money the previous year.
This year ds name was fourth on the list. Out of 400 kids.
Last Purim ds didn’t knock on a single door. He just tagged along with dh to some wild drunken parties where cash freely flowed and viola.
So ofcourse this year he tells me “I’m not going door to door like a beggar”.
While the boys knocking on my door all day will never reach nearly those amounts.
It just feels so unfair and I don’t like that this is the attitude he’s developed. Not really sure what I can do about it? I’m not going to actively prevent him from opportunities to collect.
I try hard to teach my kids, actively and by example, to not be materialistic and snobby or whatever.
To an extent I think I’m succeeding but there’s only so much I can do and this just bothers me. I didn’t grow up like this.
This is just a vent thanks for listening

erm

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 11:15 am

I agree with your son. I wouldn’t want to go from door to door like a beggar. I think it’s wrong of the yeshivas to make their students into beggars. ( I know the schools need the money but I don’t agree that giving out prizes for money collected is the right chinuch.)

amother

Linen

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 11:50 am

My son always had this complaint. In his yeshiva they make phone calls before purim and the yeshiva gives them a goal amount. My sun had to call 50 people and couldn't reach his goal. The friend next to him called 3 of his father's colleagues and got the full amount plus.

amother

Seafoam

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 11:59 am

amother OP wrote:

It just bothers me that he thinks it’s beneath him due to the fact that he gets such big amounts so easily

I think he’s right.
I think it’s beneath all the boys.
As a woman I was never asked to do this in my life and would plotz if I had to.
We’ve been asked as parents to fundraise for our school and took it out of our own cheshbon rather than ask people.
Not sure what being snobby has to do with it.

amother

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 1:16 pm

Genius wrote:

Life isn’t fair. Be glad it’s tilted for the benefit of your own in this situation.

Two things are bothering me
1. It feels unfair overall
2. I want my kids to know how to work hard for something, how to hustle so to speak. The way dh and I grew up.

amother

Seafoam

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 1:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

Two things are bothering me
1. It feels unfair overall
2. I want my kids to know how to work hard for something, how to hustle so to speak. The way dh and I grew up.

So maybe come up with a different way for him to work hard and hustle maybe in a way that’s more bataamt to him.

Orangehead

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 1:23 pm

I think the whole idea of kids collecting for prizes is bad bad bad. My neighbor who is in 8th grade was told that he need to collect $1000 for his school. Why is that ok?????
These organizations are all outcompeting each other. The prizes are way too extravagant.
It’s got to stop!!

Genius

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 1:23 pm

amother OP wrote:

Two things are bothering me
1. It feels unfair overall
2. I want my kids to know how to work hard for something, how to hustle so to speak. The way dh and I grew up.

As somebody else said, he’ll hustle elsewhere. I doubt you want him to learn to be a shnorrer.

amother

Diamond

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 1:23 pm

At the end of the day, it's about who you know. Fair or not. If your husband knows the rich people and that money goes to your son for collection, he got it fair and square.

amother

Diamond

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 1:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

Two things are bothering me
1. It feels unfair overall
2. I want my kids to know how to work hard for something, how to hustle so to speak. The way dh and I grew up.

Aren't there other ways to teach them to work hard? Why does it have to be for this specifically?

amother

Gardenia

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 1:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

Two things are bothering me
1. It feels unfair overall
2. I want my kids to know how to work hard for something, how to hustle so to speak. The way dh and I grew up.

Part of hustling is knowing when and where to go for what you need. It sounds like he has that part down. If someone knew where the opportunity was and purposely didn’t go to it, that’s the opposite of hustling

I would not use collecting tzedaka as the example of working hard or being a hustler

If you really want to teach him, let him get a job this summer or give him more chores around the house

The schools should not be encouraging boys to go door to door, your son is not wrong for not wanting to. And if the goal is get donations for the school then this is the way he’ll do it. Unless you want the school to get less tzedaka so your son can learn a lesson that instead of being “street smart” and taking advantage of opportunities that come his way, he should waste time harassing neighbors who won’t be able to give much, so that he can work hard and accomplish much less

amother

Burntblack

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 1:37 pm

I agree it's not fair but this is real life.

I hate that the boys become so money hungry this time of the year. Be happy your son doesn't need to do that.

I have 3 teen boys that are going on groups Purim. Yet the yeshiva had them make cold calls and also go collect door to door during yeshiva hours. Why???????

For the record my kids love it and aren't resentful at all.

I'm the one that HATES it.
I feel it's training them to look at people and just see dollar signs. How much money can we get at this house, how much money can we get from this guy. Ugh.

When dh was growing up he never joined the groups. Didn't go around collecting either. When my kids were little I didn't let them collect either. As teens I can't tell them what to do.

There are plenty other ways to teach them to hustle. My teens work bein hazmanim and hustle plenty.

amother

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 1:38 pm

Orangehead wrote:

It’s for his cheder. Not the same as a random org. He actually wanted to collect for one of these orgs but I told him no way, his cheder comes first.

amother

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 1:39 pm

Genius wrote:

As somebody else said, he’ll hustle elsewhere. I doubt you want him to learn to be a shnorrer.

There is something humbling about being on the other side of that door. Satmar rebbe famously told his rich chassidim to go collecting.

amother

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 1:43 pm

amother Gardenia wrote:

This actually makes sense. When you put it that way.
It was just the way he said it as if it’s beneath him, that made me worry that he’s developing some kind of attitude.

amother

Burntblack

Fri, Mar 22 2024, 1:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

There is something humbling about being on the other side of that door. Satmar rebbe famously told his rich chassidim to go collecting.

Perhaps married men that are in a position to give tzeddaka.
Boys don't need to be put in this position.