Home situation of DD's friend

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:34 pm

My daughter recently made friends with a very sweet girl in her class. She invites my daughter over alot & my daughter has been telling me that her friends mother is in bed all day. She never saw her friends mother. The mother doesn't ever come to school functions either. My daughter invites this girl to our house as well, but it's hard for her to come because she doesn't have a way home. I feel bad for this girl, she's such a sweetheart. DH has mentioned that perhaps it's not a good idea for our daughter to spend so much time at their home, but I'm undecided about this. I don't want to hurt the girls feelings, otoh, they're unsupervised when at the girls home. (She's the only one at home & dad works late hours.)
WWYD in such a situation? Is this something I should discuss with a mentor?
TIA

amother

DarkCyan

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

Personally, I'd open your heart and home to this girl. Mom clearly has issues. Maybe you could give her a ride home. As someone who had a mom with issues, I was grateful to spend time with friends whose parents were normal. It felt good and made me happy.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:43 pm

amother DarkCyan wrote:

I would love for the girl to spend more time at our home. We give her a ride home whenever possible, but DH generally comes home too late to be able to take her home on a regular basis.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:45 pm

amother Smokey wrote:

I don’t see the issue. Are they super young that they need direct supervision? Otherwise the kid is obviously bored and the mother is not well so why not let your kid hang out there?

They're 11 years old.
I don't see the issue, but I do see the issue. Which is why I'm undecided.
I also don't want the girl to end up un-burdening herself to DD, with more information than DD can handle. DD is anxious in general. I don't know exactly what's going on in the home and what information DD may be exposed to.
One of the girls married sisters is very involved & basically takes care of her. Does it make sense for me to reach out & talk to her? Or is it overstepping?

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 8:56 pm

amother Smokey wrote:

I’d leave it unless it becomes an issue. Like if she starts sharing info or your daughter seems burnt out.

My concern is also about them being unsupervised at their home. Is it something I need to be concerned about?

giftedmom

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:17 pm

I’m with you I wouldn’t feel comfortable either if it’s on a regular basis and not walking distance. From time to time okay but not day to day unsupervised. I would try to find a way for the girl to spend more time at your house. Otherwise your daughter comes first.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:36 pm

amother Grape wrote:

I'm wondering if you can get a Chessed organization to provide drivers.

Bridges does like this in Lakewood and Brooklyn.

I don't think it's my place to involve an organization in this.
I also don't think it's responsible of me to send this girl home with a stranger.

seeker

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:39 pm

I would not be ok with my kid in a home without supervision, and I would not consider a bedridden mother sufficient supervision.

I think you should ask the involved adult sister for clarification about supervision - is she there? Is a father or other adult sibling there? Maybe you can time visits for when there is supervision. I think they would prefer sincere, careful questions rather than being avoided.

If your dd goes to her then you would need to pick her up, presumably. So it would be the same amount of logistics if she comes to you and you bring her home. If you're not able to do either direction then it's not a good time for a visit either way, and if you're available for one way then you can be available for the other way.

Chayalle

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:39 pm

I'm surprised that people are comfortable with 11 year olds being unsupervised. I don't mean they need someone breathing over them, but I wouldn't be comfortable sending my child to a home where there is not a responsible adult present, for a length of time, at age 11.
I'd invite the girl to my home as much as possible.

ima22

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:43 pm

Is there a way to reach out to the mother and speak with her? Get a pulse on the situation. Tysm for having my daughter...

Also, I'd consider reaching out to this family's rav or the school principal to inquire, quietly ask questions about the environment of the home (not to pry Chas shalom, but more to get a sense of whether this is a home where you want your daughter spending time). Usually I decide if I can trust my child being in someone's home based on my personal interaction with them, without that I have to rely of others that I would trust.

amother

Bluebonnet

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:48 pm

I dont know what the right thing is.

My son has a friend from a very troubled home and its a difficult situation with lots of mental health issues amd parental dysfunction. His rebbi tried to get my son to switch from his regular shul where he goes with my husband on shabbos to a teen minyan so that he can encourage the other boy to attend. He also wanted my son to be his chavrusah so he will learn more.

I was very clear with the rebbi that my 12 year old son is not responsible for the other childs ruchnius or emotional well being. he is not going to stop attending shul with his own father or give up his chavrusah who learns well and consistantly with him so he can attend another minyan far away and learn with a boy who almost never shows up. I said that we are happy to host the other boy often, chaperone him at events where the parents arent attending, give him rides, include him at our shul minyanim but I wont put this burden on my child.

I would make an effort to include the friend but making sure your daughter isnt being parentified or burdened in the process.

Chayalle

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:49 pm

amother Bluebonnet wrote:

I absolutely agree with this.

Chayalle

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:50 pm

ima22 wrote:

good ideas.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:52 pm

seeker wrote:

Whenever my DD is there, they're in the house alone without anyone else besides for the mom.
DH pickes my daughter up on the way home from work. Taking the girl home, means at least 1/2 an hour, if not 40 minutes, round trip. It's not realistic on a regular basis.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:54 pm

ima22 wrote:

I have tried reaching out to the mother. She was never available to talk.
I don't think it's my place to ask the school principal about someone's family situation. And I don't know who their Rav is.

amother

Tue, Mar 26 2024, 9:56 pm

amother Bluebonnet wrote:

This is also what I'm worried about. That my daughter will be burdened with too much information. She's anxious as is & takes everything to heart.