I lose it too much and too often :(

amother

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 11:14 am

I keep losing it with my kids and yelling like a maniac. I feel the frustration bubbling up and then it feels like to takes me over and I just yell and yell.
I know I'm ruining my kids, I know I am the worst mother ever. If that's what you want to tell me you can move right along, that is not helpful.
I've often thought about leaving or giving them up because I'm such a horrible mother, they deserve better.
I don't know what's wrong with me but it's as if I have limited bandwidth and after that all ---- breaks loose.
My kids are very hard, lots of ADHD and ASD issues and I just don't have the capacity to handle them. They are too much for me. The constant needs and meltdowns are draining me and I just end up yelling.
I am in therapy but it's not helping this issue.
I've read hundreds of parenting books, in the moment nothing helps.
I need to stop losing it. I need to stop yelling.
Please respond if you have practical advice.

amother

Blonde

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 11:24 am

Something that helps me is to not be embarrassed to stop in middle of yelling, breathe and try again.

For example I will start shrieking, it feels great to let my anger out , but if I chap in middle of my yelling what I’m doing, I’ll stop, (even if it’s kind of embarrassing). Then I’ll say Sorry, let me say that again. And I try my best to say whatever I need to say a bit gentler.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 12:13 pm

Sit on the floor on a fluffy rug.

Let the kids get at you as much as they want, just by also being on the floor.

Have some books lying around you on the rug. The kids will get into the books a little.

Do nothing special, just be down there and listen or pet them physically or whatever seems to come naturally.

Sing simple songs, and have them do the chorus. Get tapes to learn songs.

In spite of the crumbs, if necessary, have a plate of cookies at hand. Shake out the rug later. Maybe hang it up somewhere between uses.

Put on soft background music.

Air the house. The fresh air will convey a feeling of peace and freedom.

Take the kids for a walk. Walk and walk. Even just around the block. Talk to them about what you pass.

amother

Wheat

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 12:15 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

This is adorable.
And spot on. The kids just need you. And when you are doing absolutely nothing else...their needs aren't prone to inducing yelling..

amother

Feverfew

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 12:33 pm

I struggle with this too so I want to share some practical tips that have helped me when nothing else does

1. Remind yourself before interactions that they will cause you to want to lose and that this is a time you can utilize to daven to Hashem for whatever you want, prepared your personal requests before hand, and then use that time where you want to scream to say to Hashem, look how I am holding myself back from losing it, in this zechus please grant me…

2. Set aside 1-2 hours every evening of mommy special time with your kids (either all together or 10/15 min each kid) where you shut your phone and focus on filling each child’s cup with mommy time. Notice the cuteness on their faces, acknowlegde their strengths, creativity, etc. sit on the floor with them and play along with whatever they’re doing knowing that once your time is up you can reward yourself with alone time

3. Utilize appropriate screen time for those times when you really feel like you can’t function. And lose the guilt that anyone else tries to put on you since they don’t know your inner struggles, limitations, and bandwidth.

4. Keep a gratitude journal listing 3 things your grateful for every morning. Keep an accomplishment journal listing things you are proud of yourself for accomplishing every night before bed.

5. Find a friend to work on this together with who you can text and give each other mommy chizuk.

6. Listen to guided meditations on managing and controlling stress and anger whenever you can.

7. Self care: Walk, yoga

I genuinely hope this helps. Every time you manage not losing control and staying patient is a huge mitzvah.

imasinger

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 1:40 pm

Also, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Get help figuring out what the triggers are for them. But recognize tha things don't change overnight. Our group has a standing joke (written by a funny lady who is also on thus board) about those know-it-alls who tell you it will all be solved by a sticker chart and a trip to the zoo.

amother

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 2:37 pm

Ok I'm not walking around shouting. I let so much just go. I am a very hands on mom. I play with my children, I sit on the floor with them, I give them one on attention, I involve them in the cooking and whatever I'm doing.
On that side of things I'm doing well.
The part where it falls apart is the discipline or when I need them to do or not do something. We need to get out the door or they'll miss their bus, they broke their brothers project and now I have two meltdowns and they just woke up the baby and I am trying to get out the door to a bar mitzvah.
My husband thinks maybe I give too much to the kids that I'm on empty when it comes to these stressful times.

amother

Sun, Mar 31 2024, 2:44 pm

imasinger wrote:

And some one on one attention.