I’m that broke…

amother

Lemonlime

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 12:29 pm

amother Cyan wrote:

I'm sorry. You attacked me, a kollel wife, and told the world that it's a crime to spend my LARGE salary on luxuries because you decided that even though I earn close to $200k/year which is more than many two working parent households make combined. But since my husband is in kollel you decided to be the judge and jury on that.

I'll be DLKZ here that you don't know what you're talking about at all and just jumped on the rhetoric of this site thinking that you'd get likes for it...
Let's pretend you never said that and move on:)

I didn't attack anyone, and certainly not you. I'm sorry you took my opinions personally. It sounds like you think you have the right to express yourself as nastily as you like. I feel sorry for you that you think that way. Kollel is as kollel does. Signed, a post kollel wife who actually lived on kollel standards, and still does, and sees the difference in middos this engenders.

amother

NeonBlue

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 12:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

No. We want him to be doing this forever if possible. Please don’t judge that or say harsh words. I knew that we would hit tight times at some point and have to figure out where to go from here. But we’ll get through it. Not just leave this life right when it starts to get hard.
I have enough money coming in that I should be able to cover my expenses, I just am not. The basics are EXACTLY what we get, but then there are some extras that add up.

I have to figure out how to cut back on groceries and utilities, but I’m having such a hard time knowing how to do that. I didnt know that lettuce was something people cut out! Just thinking about cutting back on food makes me cry.

Here in israel, most groceries don't have prices on all the items and I dont even know how much they cost till I'm at the counter.

Where do you shop??? Shaarei Revacha very much has prices; they even have a cheshbon on how much you're paying per gram so you can compare brands.

Would your husband consider learning with bochurim for one seder? When we started doing this, we were able to breathe again (not living the high life by any means, but my weekly grocery budget went up to 1000 nis which is funcitonal).

Also, I know rental prices are outrageous right now, but if you look hard enough, you may be able to find something a bit more out, a bit less ideal, which would give you some more space in your monthly budget. Neighborhood is key here; a neighborhood with cheaper rent generally also has cheaper childcare and gan for example. I know it's hard to move away from friends, but it may do you a world of good - not just money wise, but if you make friends that are living more like you, you may find it easier to do.

Regarding your savings, would you consider investing some of it so that it doesn't lose its value? Also, then you can take out some of it for emergency situations without actually losing as much as you may think you are.

Hatzlacha !!!

amother

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 12:30 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Just BT here, but in ignorance I remark that Avraham Avinu let his wife run the household as far as I know.

Your hubby should NOT go giving or doing anything at all. Let you do all that, with no complaining from him at all. Let him merely do his own job. He has plenty to do.

You should not be discussing money at all with your dh. That should be your province entirely.

Men adore to look good. And good-hearted men, even more so. Your dh means well.

He thinks it all falls from heaven. Well it does. Into YOUR hands. Not his. Let him not say one word about 'we should go out tonight.' YOU say, OH! We are having ice cream for Rosh Chodesh!

YOU are the one with the sense here. And that is quite proper. He is in Kollel for a REASON. If he were a practical type, he would be in business.

Lots of hugs from here. And stay away from lettuce. It needs to be checked too much so it's expensive. Find another green leaf thing to substitute for it. It doesn't have that many vitamins anyway.

You will nail this, with some practice. In time, you will be out of debt.

Our ancestress Chava should have said NO.

We however have learned different. WE CAN say NO.

This is actually ASSIGNED to us to correct what she did.

Hugs and hugs.

Are you married?
I cant imagine any of the advice you’re saying can come from a jewish source and last in a marriage.
He is not in kollel because he is “not practical”. Far from that.

I understand you preface by saying you are a bt. Welcome.
But please don’t give hurtful and detrimental advice that does not make much sense for a frum couple, and especially a kollel couple.

amother

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 12:33 pm

amother NeonBlue wrote:

I don’t have a shaarei revacha near me.
Regarding the savings, I would invest some, but I dont really know how to safely invest. We tried investing $10,000 a couple years ago and lost $8k Sad

amother

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 12:37 pm

lamplighter wrote:

OP since you are in Israel I can't help you with practical tips for cutting down specific groceries. Please post separately asking for ideas. People love to share advice.
General grocery budgeting tips that work for me:
-shop sales and base menu on the sales
- go to the store with a list that is based on your menu for the week.
- go to the store as infrequently as possible
- once a month don't go to the store at all and shop from your pantry ie use up what you have.
- the person who is more frugal should do the shopping.

Sorry if this is out of line but I think it's very important to speak to the Rav with your husband and to be honest about your feelings, your sholom bayis, your desire to stick with this lifestyle long term but struggling financially. Please do not cover up what's really going on and leaving it to be considered a spiritual matter. There is a bigger picture here and it would make a huge difference for you if you show the Rav the whole thing.

I appreciate this all. We do plan to go together to the rav. I already know I’ll be putting on waterproof mascara and am embarrassed in advance. I know I’ll have to lay everything out, which I never had the chance to do. It was always through my husband. I’m nervous and hopeful at the same time.

Any other ways to earn side income if I'm already working (ie, cant take in babysitting jobs or anything too time -specific like that)

lamplighter

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 12:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

Please don't be embarrassed. You are not doing this because you are weak, you are meeting with the Rav because you are strong and idealistic and want to be in kollel long term. You want to make this work and you are looking for hadracha that will enable you to live this spiritual life, without mental, emotional or financial burn out.

amother

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 12:57 pm

lamplighter wrote:

Thank you for this.
Do you have any side hustle ideas?

Rappel

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 1:02 pm

You're doing the right thing.

And you can do this!

It might help to consider what things bring you joy in life - often, they're not the moments that cost you money.

Examples:
DH and I date by sitting with a cup of tea, or by taking a stroll up the street.

When we experience a special event, we like to find a beautiful or interesting stone, and give it to each other as a present. Our rock collection is quite extensive by now, and we can pick up each one and try to remember what that moment was.

Letters of love - just writing each other a nice note can be really, well, thrilling.

We make up our own games. Once, we made up weird questions for each other, a la "30 things you need to know about the person you're dating." We read Fox and Socks, and the person who makes it farther without mistakes wins.

We read books to each other at bedtime

We play our kids' games after they go to bed XD

All these things are special experiences that give us joie de vivre. What makes it great? That we're doing it together.

May you feel strong and ready to take on your next adventure -- your life together is waiting for you.

keym

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 1:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thank you for this.
Do you have any side hustle ideas?

If you are working and pregnant and have kids, I strongly recommend that you speak to your Rav about your husband doing tge side hustles.
Tutoring, paid chavrusos, paid tests.
There are many kollel and learning ways where a little extra money can be brought in.
Also bain hazmanim jobs like kashering, Sukka building, car cleaning can bring in some money.
This is true in America.
So I would speak to your Rav to see if there are options.

Im going under my screen name. Talking as someone who did long-term kollel (7+ years) and someone who is raising my kids to do long-term kollel.
In my experience, the families that the husband has a side hustle (either learning related or bain hazmanim or bain hasdorim) are those who manage better both in kollel long term and all the other parts of marriage.
Finances become a joint activity because both spouses are working to earn.

amother

Clover

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 1:14 pm

amother Cyan wrote:

According to my Rav Shabbos expenses are completely paid back as long as it's within the range of what you would spend if you had the money.
Meaning if you had the money for steaks and would buy them for shabbos (obviously you'd be paid back too but) then if you don't have the money for steaks and buy for shabbos you'd be paid back.

But he says that money for Rosh Chodesh doesn't fall into the same category. He says it's nice to honor Rosh Chodesh with something special, but I personally don't count on getting paid back for it. I do buy something nice for Rosh Chodesh but I count that as part of my budget.

While I wholeheartedly believe this what exactly does it mean something that I’d buy if I had the money? The more money I’d have the more expensive I’d buy. No?
Sure if I had the money I’d buy steak for shabbos. (I never buy steak ever)

amother

Clover

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 1:15 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

This probably won’t help but I’ve been there without the $7000 in the bank. I’ve been there with a negative bank account. And it’s hard when that happens. It’s hard to see other people spending on things when you can’t afford basics.
You will have to buy cucumbers instead of lettuce in the future.
When I was in that matzav I stopped buying yogurt, cottage cheese, juice , individual snack bags…. We ate a lot of pasta, tuna, milk, eggs, bread and chicken on shabbos. I baked cake instead of buying cake and cookies.
We never went out to eat. Never.
But we went to parks and for walks.
I think the hardest part is seeing others living what seems like carefree. If you know that other people are in the same situation then it makes it doable. Because you’re not starving and you’re not homeless bH. You just have to be very careful now. And that’s ok. It really is. It’s not okay if you can’t buy food ever. It’s not okay if you are facing eviction.
I hope your husbands kollel will send you something for Yom Tov.
And I hope you enjoy Rosh Chodesh in a nice creative way this month.
And please know that there really are people in the same situation. You might be hanging out with a wealthier crowd but there really are kollel people out there who think twice before they purchase something.
I think feeling alone is worse than not being able to spend.

Also maybe those people just don’t care and are using all their savings and savings racking up their credit cards to the wazoo

amother

Hyacinth

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 2:06 pm

amother Antiquewhite wrote:

Just want to let you know that taking money from savings is not the end of the world (while also setting up a budget.) I come from a large family and as far as I know none of us started out with any savings. Obviously better to have savings but don't think everyone has.

I’m sure op would take from savings if her cupboards were bare and she was truly hungry. Also, she said she was getting paid next week so she’s just trying to hold over for a few days. She knows she has the emergency backup if they had zero food in the house. But she does have some food. Maybe nothing extra special like steak or ice cream but that’s ok. She has a job and she’ll be getting paid very soon.

mudpies

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 2:08 pm

Just sending hugs as a fellow kollel wife in Eretz Yisroel, living among many wonderful people who seem a lot more carefree than us Smile

You're in a very tough spot right now. Bez'H you will pull through, and hopefully you have a good Rav who will guide you in a beautiful way. But it takes a lot of fortitude. It does sound like you have that grit, even though right now it's very hard. Your attitude is on the right track.

Would you feel comfortable posting a sample menu or shopping list for a typical week? Maybe some posters can help you cut back on things.

Hatzlacha! We're rooting for you!

renslet

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 2:15 pm

amother Clover wrote:

What it means fore is that, when I started sending a bit extra for Rosh Chodesh to make it special, I never saw a difference at the end of the month a s when I didn't.
It means that when I think I don't have money for shabbos but make a regular shabbos, somehow I manage to cover it. Every time it's something else but I have so many stories how Hashem sends money

amother

Anemone

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 2:27 pm

I would advise you schedule with mesila in israel. They don’t charge according to a friend who did it recently in Israel. They’ll teach you how to budget.

I’d advise you also use rami Levi, it’s much cheaper than any local stores and have many mehadrin items. They deliver too so you can plan two weeks of groceries and they’ll deliver two weeks worth from an online order. By ordering online, you do much better.

Also mishnat yosef is great. They also have cheap Lettace!

amother

Mon, Apr 08 2024, 2:34 pm

amother Anemone wrote:

How do you order rami levi online? Also do the products have hecsherim?
And whats the hecsher on produce?

What’s mishnat yosef and how can I get it?

This can be very helpful! Thank you!!