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Double Take

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amother

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 6:30 pm

What did you think of the double take this week? I thought the brother was a really nice guy, and the sisters were being unfair the him. The mother should have given them more advance notice, and let them know how she and her husband were feeling. The single daughters should have helped out more. The married daughter should have been more aware.

Einikel

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 6:45 pm

Agree. Seems like the biggest issue was communication.

amother

Honeysuckle

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 7:15 pm

I think Tzivia was completely in the wrong and very out of touch. She and her sisters were acting very entitled. Expecting their elderly parents to host an entire pesach alone with zero help from them, and then being upset when that doesn’t happen- and blaming it on the son who is just trying to help his parents who are clearly struggling.

Everyone is an adult, nobody forced her or her unmarried siblings to go anywhere . The sisters could have stayed home and made pesach themselves, or gone to friends or relatives. Tzivia could have stayed home, or figured out a way to make it work at her in-laws. The only reason she was even able to go to the US for pesach was because her brother helped pay for it.

IMO, they was acting like entitled, spoiled children who weren’t getting their way. BH the parents had one child who was actually looking out for them and prioritized them over himself.

singleagain

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 7:29 pm

Can someone please post the link?

cheese cake

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 8:02 pm

https://mishpacha.com/money-talks-6/

sequoia

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 8:08 pm

Einikel wrote:

Agree. Seems like the biggest issue was communication.

Yes, that was my impression as well.

Also, why were the single sisters feeling like “tagalongs” rather than guests? What exactly was causing their feelings of resentment?

amother

Navy

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 9:21 pm

Was this the pesach edition that was delivered Thursday? Everyone read it this Shabbos?
Did I misunderstand and there’s another one coming Monday?

chestnut

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 9:53 pm

Their brother is very special. Single sisters weren't even helping their mother prepare for pesach! They didn't like going to hotels AND they didn't want to stay at Benny's. Didn't they see their mother was in no shape to make pesach?!
Tzivia was in the wrong as well. Her mother told her the preparations were harder for her than she thought they would be. That should have been enough information for her to be fine with going to her brother.

mha3484

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 10:03 pm

This was one that I actually didn't have a strong opinion about after I was done but I remember being in my 20s and spending shabbos and yomtov at different families. As close as I felt to these people you so easily can feel like the third wheel. Its a complicated set of emotions that arent always logical.

I can also see how it feels like a power differential. Logically the one who pays makes the decision but it doesnt have to feel good and ideally we should be able to tell a sibling that without it becoming a big drama.

amother

Purple

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 10:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

The brother and sister who were more in tune with the parents needs and struggles should have been more open with the sister from israel and the single sisters. They didn’t sit down and have a conversation or a phone call explaining the reasoning behind the last minute switch. I feel like that could’ve avoided many hard feelings!!

amother

Purple

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 10:09 pm

amother Navy wrote:

Was this the pesach edition that was delivered Thursday? Everyone read it this Shabbos?
Did I misunderstand and there’s another one coming Monday?

Yes we read the pesach issue. We didn’t save it for pesach. Call the mishpacha cops 👮

amother

Navy

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 11:04 pm

amother Purple wrote:

Yes we read the pesach issue. We didn’t save it for pesach. Call the mishpacha cops 👮

cops called. I was wondering if there was another one I didn’t know about . I wanna save the reading material for YT

LittleDucky

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 11:29 pm

Sorry but the Israeli sister wanted everyone to cater to her.
Her standards for the kids.
Her entertainment choices.

When I visit relatives who have different standards I explain things to my kids ahead of time. Whether we are the frummer one or the "more modern" relative.
She wanted others to parent for her and cater to her preferences without explaining or asking.

She wanted a vacation. She wanted to be pampered. Her parents were in no way able to do it- financially or physically.
She had no desire to help out.

Yes, Benny should have called and explained. But he was doing their parents a favor, not demanding any sort of preferential treatment!

amother

Coral

Sat, Apr 20 2024, 11:44 pm

I think it was just too last minute. If they had decided the plans much more in advance, and tzivia had had warning, then it might have been easier for her to process. And she could have made other plans if she had wanted.

yellowroses

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 1:46 am

amother Purple wrote:

My thoughts exactly.
Talk to each other. The older siblings should have called the younger sisters and make them aware that the parents aren’t up to hosting, can we think of solutions together. The younger siblings would have felt part of the decision making, instead of just being managed by other people.

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 1:53 am

I would like to ask Tzivia: What exactly do you want?! Really. That your old parents should prepare Pesach just the way it was in the past?
You had no problem with your brother paying for your expensive flight tickets but your have a problem spending Pesach in his house?
Say Thank You to HaShem that your brother does all this for the family and for you.

yellowroses

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 4:16 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

You are one hundred percent right. In my experience, the main problem is the feeling of being micromanaged by an older brother „just because he has the money“. Had he called her up beforehand and discussed various options of making it easier for the parents and included her in the decision making, there probably would not have been any resentments on her side. No person likes to be told what to do, we all want to be able to make our own decisions.

amother

Cyclamen

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 4:40 am

Yeah it sounds like unfortunately the Pesach Tzivia wanted just wasn't possible, her mother just couldn't swing it. But this was something Benny should have discussed with Tzivia as far in advance as he could have- as soon as he realized it wasn't going to work for their parents to make it like they were planning to. Just springing it on Tzivia that she's now being a guest by Benny instead of by her parents, without giving her any kind of choice- I agree that it's a really bad feeling to just have things decided for you, especially when it's a choice you wouldn't have made given the chance.

And the fact that he's hosting her doesn't mean she now has to just smile and suck up everything done the way he wants to, just because it's his money and his house. He as the host should be understanding of the guests, especially when they didn't even ask or agree to be his guests, and make sure their standards will be met. What should she have done at the last second, decided to stay home in Eretz Yisroel? How could she pull off Pesach at that point? She was basically forced to come be his guest, he should understand how that's a really hard thing to do to someone, completely upend their plans like that. You could argue it was the mother at fault here to a large degree- she took way too long to realize she just wasn't up for Pesach, and also just dumped the change on Tzivia without discussing with her and letting her make her own choices given the new reality.

I don't know, I hear where the brother is coming from but I sympathize more with the sisters who were not given a choice at all about their own yomtov.

notshanarishona

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 5:25 am

The parents shouldn’t have agreed to something that’s too much for them and once they committed it’s their mistake to deal with and they should at least ask before changing plans.

ittsamother

Sun, Apr 21 2024, 5:37 am

I mean, would anyone here be ok if they were invited somewhere for Shabbos, and then Friday morning the host tells them "Oh, just letting you know we're all going to my cousin for Shabbos, you're coming along as well"? Or would you all be shocked and upset?

There are other factors here, such as that it's Pesach, it's her parents, they're elderly, and it's her brother they're going to, but end of day it's not ok to commit to hosting someone, make plans for months, and then at the last second entirely switch plans on them. Of course they're going to feel upset. Maybe it was something the mother felt she had to do, but I think it would be ridiculous of the brother to think everyone else who got jerked along for the ride should just be ok with that.

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