Tichels and Sheitls and Hats, OH MY!!

grin

Thu, Sep 25 2008, 4:14 am

when I first got married, I covered my hair exclusively (and completely) with a tichel, and I never ever wore a wig. I felt very good and proud about it. It just felt right. As we became more Lubavich over the years, I discovered how strongly the Rebbe felt about using davka a wig, and I started slowly accepting this upon myself. This for me was a very big nisayon - making such a change was more of a statement than covering my hair after getting married, which was the accepted thing anyhow in my circle, and which I had never questioned. It took a lot of soul-searching to reach this decision and I still remember the puzzled look I got from our dd chaya mushka, then only a year old, the very first time I wore it.
At first I wore a wig only to chabad functions, then when I went "out" shopping, until now B"N even if I go just past the corner of my block, and I have become, as a result, very aware now of the bits of hair that escape the tichel I still wear around the house.

drumjj

Thu, Sep 25 2008, 11:21 am

grin I must say I have the same dilema as u and im still really struggling with wearing a shaitel all the time even though ive been married for six and a half years I still wear hats most of the time but being lub I know I should wear my shaitel but its a real struggle for me

JerusalemEema

Thu, Sep 25 2008, 1:29 pm

I'm the OP- so interesting to hear everyone's responses! There was a mix-up, and one of the options was left off the poll. I see that only a moderator can add it now- the fourth option should be "Tracie (in hat, attends liberal shul.) The videos are working perfect for me, not sure why others aren't seeing them.

Fabulous

Thu, Sep 25 2008, 1:34 pm

freidasima wrote:

Well I have worn it all, but when dh said to me "wear a sheitl" and I started I really liked it. It looked so much better than anything else, and I never had a "bad hair day" again!

You never had a bad hair day? What sheitels are you wearing? It's easier to maintain than my hair but it still has it's days, especially if I don't take care of them properly.

mamacita

Thu, Sep 25 2008, 1:55 pm

I didn't vote because none of the women really voiced how I feel about covering my hair. I have beautiful hair and I was happy to know that by covering it I would be sharing something special for my husband. I don't think sheitels are necessarily the best way to do this though. I generally wear tichels, sometimes berets, and for Shabbos, YT, simchas and to please my husband I wear my sheitel.

Of course now I'm a bit peeved that my hair is pretty icky when it's uncovered so it's not really saved for dh, and I think it's helped me think of how it's truly an avodat Hashem that way Smile

cassandra

Thu, Sep 25 2008, 3:30 pm

I didn't relate to anyone entirely either. I don't love it, but it isn't that hard for me and I don't hate it. I'm not sure I gain anything from it spiritually but do it because it's halacha. I guess at this point I'm kind of neutral.

(I did relate to Rachel about other mitzvot that I had to take on as a married woman)

grin

Thu, Sep 25 2008, 10:25 pm

drumjj wrote:

what helped me was seeing all the different answers the rebbe gave to women about the why's of wearing a sheital, each one geared specifically for that woman: she may take it off a tichel in public from embarrassment of covering her hair - which she obviously wouldn't do with a wig; there really should be 2 head-coverings (the wig is composed of both a mesh and an outer covering - similar to what is described in the original halacha); it can influence other women to cover their hair also, when they see that you can keep the halacha and still look "normal" and pretty.

It seems to me that when there are so many different answers, there's an underlying reason that the rebbe isn't telling us. In any case, its very clear how this is the rebbe's ratzon and I've also become more aware of how it really covers all the hair, including sideburns and the nape of the neck (true - according to the letter of the law, these need not be covered, but as chasidim we generally try to go beyond the letter of the law in so many ways) as opposed to most tichels.

(I'm not saying that everyone should be wearing a sheital; each woman needs to follow the psak of her own rav. This is both food for thought as well as to encourage my fellow Lubavichers.)

freidasima

Thu, Sep 25 2008, 10:46 pm

I am not lubavitch nor chassidish and I wear a sheitl these days instead of a hat or something else that covers not in order to cover sideburns (I leave a tefach out anyhow) but because it looks more natural.

In the good old days I had dynel sheitls (anyone remember those?) and they looked horrible. Like plastic or straw and those were better than what my grandmother used to wear...

But today they are great, I have long ones and usually band falls and how could I have a "bad sheitl day" with a long straight band fall? Especially one with real (albeit not european) hair?

The other day my youngest was looking at the back of my sheitl and she said "wow, mom, this is so real, you have split ends in your sheitl!!"

That made my day and I'm not kidding!

As for covering hair as halacha, I must tell you the truth, I don't get anything spiritual from it, I think the whole thing is narishkeit today but it's a mitzva so I do it. And before anyone jumps on me I think it was the Rambam who said that when a mitzva doesn't speak to you but you do it just because it is a mitzva from Hashem, you have the hardest nisoyon and are doing the greatest thing possible.

StrongIma

Thu, Sep 25 2008, 10:54 pm

freidasima wrote:

The rebbe did include that as a very valid reason.

freidasima wrote:

As for covering hair as halacha, I must tell you the truth, I don't get anything spiritual from it, I think the whole thing is narishkeit today but it's a mitzva so I do it. And before anyone jumps on me I think it was the Rambam who said that when a mitzva doesn't speak to you but you do it just because it is a mitzva from Hashem, you have the hardest nisoyon and are doing the greatest thing possible.

you're absolutely right! and as for not getting "anything spiritual from it", low-lifes like myself don't feel the spirituality of any of the mitzvos that we keep; the neshama feels it, not us.

dee's mommy

Fri, Sep 26 2008, 7:02 am

I voted for Tracie, mostly because of her comments on making the distinction of looking like a married woman. However, I also identify very much with the first two women in the first video.

When I was engaged, there was no question that I would cover my hair. I just thought that I would find it difficult. And so I spent the time ordering snoods, tichels, etc, and trying them on and practicing tying them. I "bonded" with my sheitel once purchased, so that I would get used to having something on my head.

And then, to my surprise when I put that sheitel (or was it a hat?) on the first time as a married woman, I felt no difficulty at all. It just seemed like the natural thing to do.) Baruch Hashem, is what I say to that, because I understand that many women have difficulty.

When I look at myself in the mirror in my natural hair, I just think that I look unmarried. When I look at myself with my hair covered, I look like a married woman, and look "better." The truth is, as nice as it is, I didn't really love my hair so much before I was married. However, soon after I got married, I started to love my hair. It was something I enjoyed seeing those few minutes a day in the mirror, before I pinned it up and covered it, so I could enjoy two sides to myself. So yes, I suppose I was experiencing the "keeping something special for yourself and your husband" thing.

Crayon210

Fri, Sep 26 2008, 7:24 am

I really liked the comment about having personal space in the world and in her marriage.

And the עוטר ישראל בתפארה part.

I do not like when people talk about hair for their husband, so that turned me off immediately. LOL

I enjoyed hearing the second two women. I'm really impressed by someone covering her head in a community where no one else does. That was really special.

And I liked the way Rachel said it's still hard. It's a really important lesson about keeping Torah and mitzvos in general.

Ruchel

Fri, Sep 26 2008, 9:20 am

I agree with Tracie that I feel very special doing this, I'm also the only one also quite not from a liberal (here, it means reform/conservative) community but from a MO one.

True, sometimes it will make people "who know" hesitate before touching you. Sometimes not though lol. Especially a sheitel that most people won't recognize as such, or a cute bandana that looks like "for the look".

I agree it is great to be able to inform people, even if some will look bad on you for being "weird" or frummie. And that it's ok to be different.

It was hard for me to understand Rachel's accent.

By the way, the way Tracie covers (kissui rosh but lots of hair out) is exactly what I meant by the MO machmir way here (with generally longer hair though).

I didn't relate that hair is very special and very private (Rivka). I don't see why she compares it to Torah scroll!
But I understood what she means about being part of her personality, I feel that way too. Maybe a lot because it's my "trademark" in my community.

shifg

Fri, Sep 26 2008, 9:38 am

Before I got married I wanted to cover my hair - I would also practice with tichels and learnt how to tie them.

I thought a big part of it would be that I would be "saving" my hair for my husband. After being married for a while I realized that is just not the way it is - when my hair is uncovered its tied back - its too short and just gets in the way. I used to have beautiful thick curly hair all the way down my back. My hair now is flat and dull - and nothing is being "saved" for DH.

But with that being said - I love covering my hair and being recognized as a married woman. I loved the status change. I love my sheitels and my tichels - and my husband likes them on me too. I personally feel I am more attractive in my shabbos sheitel - than in my real hair Smile