Inappropriate talk at shabbos table

amother

Sat, Oct 25 2008, 8:28 pm

Recently we have had (frum!) guests who have been discussing inappropriate topics at our shabbos table. How do I get them to stop in a polite, kind manner?

amother

Sat, Oct 25 2008, 8:30 pm

change the subject

bubby

Sat, Oct 25 2008, 8:37 pm

Before RH I told all my guests that I didn't want to talk about anything not related to RH. It worked, although there were some long quiet pauses! It's amazing how much shtuss is discussed, isn't it?

I think I need to keep it up all year. DH will definitely agree!!

Mimisinger

Sat, Oct 25 2008, 8:44 pm

I think it also depends on the community that you're living in as well as the guests you invite. When living in DC, politics and lawyering was always a huge topic, in NYC it was pop culture. Now that I'm married and where we live now as well as our chevra, there's no talk of either. Many of us don't have tvs and so don't talk about that, and mainly, talk revolves around torah, the rabbi's drasha, goings on at the shul and a bit of kid talk if everyone has kids at the table. I guess it depends on how inappropriate.

As a single, I had more than one guest that spoke about REALLY inappropriate stuff, to which my roommate, says, "you're in the wrong apartment for that kind of talk" and it ended immediately.

For really inappropriate stuff like intimacy, loshon hora, etc., nip it in the bud, and just say in a "joking" manner, "and onnnn to the next topic."

For other stuff, like politics? Pick your battles, but just change the subject.

greenfire

Sat, Oct 25 2008, 8:46 pm

it wasn't me - I didn't do it ...

tell them to take it outside ...

Inspired

Sun, Oct 26 2008, 3:19 am

"We do not talk about that at the shabbos table" should work.

amother

Sun, Oct 26 2008, 3:23 am

OP Sometimes one has to be assertive and say this topic is not for a Shabbos table lets discuss the sewer system on the moon instead (thats very shabbosdik) LOL

Fox

Sun, Oct 26 2008, 3:34 am

Quite a while ago there was a bit of a ruckus because a well-known rav suggested in a widely-distributed speech that men should prepare and and even "script" the Shabbos tisch. The specifics aren't important; his exhortation to think through and plan for Shabbos seudas was essentially preaching to the choir: families where the father or other members prepare divrei Torah or have developed a sequence of zmiros and discussions thought it was obvious. Families where this is not the norm took it as a demand to turn Shabbos into a badly-acted school play.

But I think this problem was precisely what the rav was thinking about. It's sometimes very hard to change the topic once it's been launched without offending people. And while it might seem that anyone who brings up an inappropriate topic is justifiably risking being offended, that's hardly ever the case in my own home.

I have lots of guests -- especially older guests -- who are not necessarily very learned. They bring up all kinds of topics ranging from local politics to genealogy to travel that are not awful in moderation but can alter the tone of the seuda if allowed to drag on too long. At the same time, it's important for my kids to see us treating these people with respect as well as provide some acknowedgement of the interests of our guests. Many of them live alone and simply have no one with whom to share the kind of routine chat that makes up daily family life.

Here's where the "scripting" comes in. DH prepares a dvar Torah for each meal. Depending on the amount of time he has to prepare and the background of the guests, it's not necessarily something difficult or lomdishe -- just something that will keep everyone on track. Our kids also have "assignments" that can range from paraphrasing something they've read to preparing and practicing a dvar Torah. By having a "seder" for our seudas, we can control the flow of chit-chat without it seeming like we've banned certain topics.

What's funny is that our guests come to expect adherence to our "seder" and get a bit disconcerted if we don't follow it precisely. One elderly gentleman who can barely read Hebrew has learned that my husband and sons sing certain songs while fish plates are being cleared. The minute the fish course is finished, he has his reading glasses on and is flipping through the bencher to find the words. One evening, something distracted DH and he didn't sing. My daughters and I had cleared and were starting to bring out the soup when our guest began waving us away. "Don't bring the food yet," he called out, "because we still have to sing."

bubby

Sun, Oct 26 2008, 8:28 am

Fox, that's a great, well-thought-out, & charming post!

greenfire

Sun, Oct 26 2008, 10:21 am

yup fox - sounds like a FUN shabbos seder ... can I come ... Mr. Green

ChossidMom

Sun, Oct 26 2008, 10:23 am

Inspired wrote:

"We do not talk about that at the shabbos table" should work.

This is highly insulting, imo and if you said that to me at your Shabbos table you would have to answer in Shamayim for being "malbin pnei chaveiro"!!!!

ChossidMom

Sun, Oct 26 2008, 10:25 am

bubby wrote:

Fox, that's a great, well-thought-out, & charming post!

Dang! ALL of Fox's posts are! I'm going to meet that lady someday...

Chocoholic

Sun, Oct 26 2008, 10:28 am

I think it is a very personal thing what's appropriate and what's not...

drumjj

Sun, Oct 26 2008, 10:29 am

I agree chossid. I think it also really depends what ppl u have at ur table to what the conversation is. I very very often have non religious ppl at my table for shabbos so that automatically leads to conversation usually more on world things.

Mrs.K

Sun, Oct 26 2008, 10:53 am

I agree with Chossid mom's point as well. I too have a large amount of guests almost every week. Without going into too much detail, my guests are angry teenage boys. I cannot imagine saying, in front of their peers, "We do not talk like this at the table." That won' accomplish anything. They will be angrier. Angrier at Shabbos, angrier at religion, and angrier at Rabbis.

amother

Sun, Oct 26 2008, 11:47 am

ChossidMom wrote:

bubby wrote:

Fox, that's a great, well-thought-out, & charming post!

Dang! ALL of Fox's posts are! I'm going to meet that lady someday...

I second that!!!! Smile

Fox

Mon, Oct 27 2008, 11:19 am

greenfire wrote:

yup fox - sounds like a FUN shabbos seder ... can I come ... Mr. Green

Please . . . by all means. And be sure to bring your DD! We can see whose DDs are more accomplished at eye-rolling! Or just drop by for dessert some Friday night when we don't have guests and my kids have taken the opportunity to attempt to kill each other. Which would be fine if they could do it quietly and without drama.

Forget the mitzvah! I have to have a regular parade of guests or else the house would never get cleaned and my children would appear to be raised by wolves.