How to become BT when you are married to a non-Jew

shira120

Sat, Nov 01 2008, 5:07 pm

A woman I met - 50+ yr. old woman married to a very kind supportive non-Jew- is getting more and more interested in Yiddishkeit. She has been very happily married for decades. Her children have left the house. Her husband is very accepting and supportive about her strengthening her Jewish connection, but is himelf not interested in anything. What advice would you give?

sarahnurit

Sat, Nov 01 2008, 5:15 pm

I agree with Grin, if she starts to observe, the husband will either come along or take another path...not easy and maybe painful,but sometimes in life we have to make decisions...

cheerios

Sat, Nov 01 2008, 9:47 pm

I know this is a different situation, but Sarah Karmely in her book Words to Hear with your Heart, writes about her situation in which she was advancing in her frumkeit while her (jewish) husband was not interested. She believes in can be done.

octopus

Sat, Nov 01 2008, 10:06 pm

grin wrote:

I would simply encourage her in doing teshuva. She'll make her own decisions.

hey, grin. hmmmmmm....I wonder where you got the idea for your signature from.... LOL

mamacita

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 5:41 am

I would def get her connected with a rav who could understand her situation to guide her. Like grin and sarahnurit said, this would be encouraging her teshuva, giving her someone to go to when/if conflicts arise, and letting her make the choices she needs to make.

hila

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 5:46 am

There is a member if this site inthat situation. Maybe she has ideas.

And I know a man in this situation.. he became frum while married to a non Jew.
It worked for a while, but they eventually divorced.
As he learned more it got weirder. He once asked his Rav "can I sell my chametz to my wife?"
it does not work.
BH today he is marreid to a Jewish woman and lives in EY.

catonmylap

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 5:50 am

I would encourage her to keep learning and growing.
When there are no children involved, it's much easier to find a compromise in that situation.

I've heard of a couple where she is mo and married someone who is not frum (I'm not sure if he is Jewish) for her second marriage, and she gave him some space in the basement for his non-kosher meat. But he is the sweetest guy and she is as observant as before.

HindaRochel

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 7:09 am

Seraph wrote:

HindaRochel wrote:

I know of a family in which that happened. Eventually the dh converted.

is it who I think it is?

If I wanted to state that I would. Wink

shalhevet

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 7:11 am

Being 'married' to a non-Jew and being married to someone not frum are two completely different issues. Marriage to a non-Jew is assur, whereas to someone non-frum there is no reason to necessarily break up the marriage (providing the wife keeps TH).

Although someone has to divorce his/her non-Jewish spouse I agree that it is not a good idea to throw out the idea to someone becoming BT. As time goes on either s/he will realize that it is assur and divorce, or the spouse will get interested too and convert. That is not something to throw at someone in the initial stages of frumkeit, just like we don't throw all the mitzvas at them in one go.

Tamiri

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 7:14 am

I had a friend who married a certified non Jew. She grew in his observance, he took no part in it. He did not say a word when the children were sent to Jewish day schools and Yeshivas. He did not say a word when she started using the mikva and wore a sheital. As far as I know they are still together.

grin

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 7:19 am

octopus wrote:

grin wrote:

I would simply encourage her in doing teshuva. She'll make her own decisions.

hey, grin. hmmmmmm....I wonder where you got the idea for your signature from.... LOL

yeah - thanks!

shalhevet

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 8:42 am

Tamiri wrote:

I don't get it. She goes to the mikva when she is 'married' to a non Jew and he didn't convert?? She doesn't think that being with a non-jew is arayos? And I doubt she even has to wear a sheitel because halachically she's not married. There is no such thing as marriage between a Jew and a non-Jew.

su7kids

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 8:55 am

mikvah when married to a non jew is definitely a qauestion for a rav. I believe the reason one goes to the mikvah is because a man should not be with a woman who is niddah. The issur is not on a non jewish man, so there may not be a point in her going. Unless she doesn't make a brocha.

amother

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 8:58 am

shalhevet wrote:

Tamiri wrote:

I have wondered this also. I have a student whose mother is frum and father is not jewish. They are happily married and the children are raised to keep kosher when they go out with mom but eat traif when they go out with dad. Mom wears a shaitel which I don;t understand because she is not halachikly married.
It is all so interesting to me and weired.

amother

Sun, Nov 02 2008, 7:56 pm

One of DH's former hevrutas was a man who had non-frum mother and a gentile father.
DH always used to remark how he's got so much learning and mentschkeit. So you never
know. At least her children are halachically jewish.

I also know a mixed marriage couple, non-jewish wife who didn't convert but started learning
more after the first child, the husband wasn't interested at all. Eventually she converted
but got divorced, remarried a FFB man. I heard the husband later remarried
a non-jewish woman.