My kids are spoiled brats, dh refuses to discipline them

amother

Mon, Aug 24 2009, 9:22 am

Please help, I'm so upset and feel like I've tried everything to fix this.

My husband has had a problem saying "no" to the children from day 1. Even when we were engaged, I went once with him to a family for a Shabbos seudah and the kids there did something naughty, and the rest of the adults at the table looked disapproving but my dh was laughing hilariously and thought it was so "cute" what they did.

Now with our own children he allows the children to be total brats. They whine almost nonstop, and he answers them as if they were talking normally. When they're upset, they potch him, and he ignores it. When he tells them to do something, they don't, so he starts bargaining with them, offering them bribes if they do it. Or sometimes he threatens them ("if you don't do what abba said, abba's going to have to give you a timeout") but then he doesn't follow through with his threat.

When my kids and I are at home without dh, things are fine. Because I am firm with them and do not tolerate bad behavior. But when he is home (evenings, Shabbat, Sunday) things are chaos in our house because they know they can walk all over him. I can feel my blood pressure rising the whole weekend. Monday morning I breathe a sigh of relief and feel like I can go back to normal life. It's so terrible.

I am so worried about my children, who are spoiled brats whenever dh is home. I am so scared they will grow up to be obnoxious people. I feel bad for my dh, who rarely gets to enjoy the kids, because they are always bratty around him. He gets stressed from being around them and ends up screaming at them and then asking mechila.

Our shalom bayit is very bad right now becuase I am so angry about his crappy parenting. I told him that he needs to start carrying them upstairs and putting them in their bed whenever they start acting bratty. Not getting into a discussion with them begging them to behave. Just removing the child from the scene until he is ready to act normal. Dh is trying to do that, but when a child in timeout comes out of bed and cries that she wants to come downstairs, he calls up to her "just a few more minutes sweetie, and then abba's going to come and get you, go back to bed until I come." Pathetic!!! My rule is, if a kid comes out of timeout, I without comment put them back into their bed and take away one of their toys. It works. But dh can't do it. Another time yesterday he was taking a kid upstairs for a timeout and the whole way he was joking with her and making funny voices. It totally undermined the message he was supposed to be sending.

I have tried everything over the years with dh. Nothing has worked. He tries for a short time to be "firm" but it never works. He seems unable to see what he's doing.

Please help me. I am so worried about my children and so worried about our shalom bayit as well.

Capitalchick

Wed, Oct 14 2009, 11:59 am

I would definitely look into some kind of counselling for the two of you. It, of course, doesn't mean that your marriage is failing. It means that you need help coming up with a parenting plan that you'll both understand, believe in, and be happy with.

I have cousins who had two very very bratty children. They wanted more kids, but their kids were just SO hard to take that it didn't seem so possible. The mother absolutely refused to discipline the kids...even the slightest bit!

Then the couple went to counselling for a bit and learned some techniques for disciplining their kids (even just saying "No, I'm sorry. You cannot have that right now. Please go and do that Ima asked". While they were in counselling, the mom got pregnant with another baby, so they really had lots of incentive to see the counselling through and make it work. Anyway, in only 9 months, their children were 100% transformed. I can honestly honestly tell you that her two older children are some of the sweetest, most gentle and helpful children I know today. I cannot believe that these are the same children from a year and a half ago. It doesn't seem possible! Especially since the parents aren't even so super strict with them now...they just have asserted their authority as parents, and the kids now know that they cannot control everything.

I never would've believed how much success they've had unless I saw it with my own eyes. I marvel at their children every time I see them.

Good luck!!

amother

Crimson

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 9:49 am

justforfun87 wrote:

Honestly, he sounds like a wonderful father. Loosen up a bit and pick your battles. Don't make them favor him.

First, I completely recognize that this is a very old post, so it doesn't matter. But...

Second...what kind of advice is this? You have a poster saying that her husband won't discipline his children in any way whatsoever and your advice is for the mother to loosen up??
THIS is why so many frum kids are beyond unmanageable.

In my own shul (I'm posting as another so as not to give identifying info) the Rabbi's children are actually some of the most poorly behaved (and many others are just awful, too). In fact, last Shabbos I watched as his own daughter pulled a stack of young children's books out of the toy closet at shul and casually tossed each one on the floor, one by one after reading the title, before walking away and stepping all over the books. I seriously wanted to smack the kid. She's 10!! And you know what I've seen at her house? NO DISCIPLINE.

Chayalle

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 10:32 am

We can't discipline other people's children just like we can't take cash out of other people's bank accounts. If you didn't put in the deposits, you don't get the credits.

I happen to be married to a softy, who has a harder time with setting boundaries, saying no, and discipline in general. I think the OP of this thread did a great job describing what that feels like to the person if he does not work on change; he initially thinks it's funny, but ends up stressed, not being able to manage the situation.

I'm lucky enough to live in a community where there's lots of help available for growth as a parent, with parenting classes for both mothers and fathers, and good, solid mentors. DH knows he has to work on being more firm, especially when it comes down to respect, and has made great strides. He attends shiurim, listens to tapes, and will speak to experts whenever a particular issue comes up that he is struggling with.

Also, we work together - I'm more firm and he appreciates that about me...and he's loving and warm, and I appreciate that about him. I'm fine with him romping with the kids and laughing gleefully, as long as it's within certain bounds and doesn't get too out of hand....I'm glad my kids have a parent who can "let go" with them, he has so much patience and love for them.

As long as a couple works together, their inherent differences in discipline strengthens the family as a whole, as they complement each other.