Shaking hands with men

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Judaism -> Halachic Questions and Discussions

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

ss321

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 9:36 am

fayge wrote:

Rabbi Reisman mentioned this one motzei Shabbos last year in an awesome navi shiur about galus and how battered we are, but that the battle is what counts, even if we don't always win. He brought up a few common shailos, like hand shaking, yarmulkes in the work place and how "the street" has paskened, I.e. people do what they gotta do, not always asking what they should do. It's a really great listen and I'm not doing it justice at all. If I can find the date I'll pass it on.

It is weird when I meet a new doctor and don't shake hands but who knows what comes next Confused

one of my favorite Shiurim of his Smile

OP - I agree with alot of posters here, really religious christians are like "oh wow! that is so fascinating! why ever not" (and sincerely are curious and respectful), it is more the non religious people who are often resentful.
If I know I am going to be in a situation with lots of handshaking (a big conference or meeting), I will try to hold ALL my books or coffee or whatever in my right hand, keep my hands full, whatever it means - holding my papers in my R hand and my cell phone in my left, etc. and then it is obvious that I "cant" shake their hand, but it was nice meeting you.

My biggest problem has been with interviews. I dont know what to tell you there....

NotInNJMommy

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 9:38 am

grin wrote:

someoneoutthere wrote:

If none of that works, I tell them I don't shake hands with unrelated males. If they seem uneasy I might throw in (depending on the person and circumstance) "I was taught not to touch that which isn't mine". My father used to use that a lot and people were genuinely appeased.

I understood that was the Lubavicher Rebbe's answer in such situations.

I think that tone is very important for men in this situation, as it is often looked at as patronistic, discriminating to women, etc. yadda yadda.... My DH has been in some interviews with women where he didn't take this tone and just left it at "religious, blah blah" and a big smile, and the interview was basically over for him.

For women, it can be awkward, etc. but there isn't that added level of "is this person s*xist?"

chaylizi

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 9:39 am

My worst experience was having to explain to a not frum OB-GYN why I wouldn't shake his hand, but I would let him examine me. I explained that hand shaking was "social" touching & a gyn exam wasn't. He is a very popular OB for the frum ladies & he said mine was the first answer he could swallow.

grin

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 9:40 am

chaylizi wrote:

kol hakavod - I'm not sure I would have handled it as well as you did.

Ruchel

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 9:54 am

louche wrote:

FraydaSue wrote:

Ruchel - it really is controversial because my Rav told me to say "sorry, I don't shake hands with me", .

I don't shake hands with me, either. Do you shake hands with you?

I do. On a daily basis.

LOL

mama-star

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 10:39 am

I just say, "sorry, it is my religious custom to not shake hands with men/touch men." I am kind and friendly about it, and no one has given me problems over the years.

chocolate moose

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 10:45 am

dh's mashpia allows it. I try to avoid it, though !

lilacdreams

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 11:40 am

I have recently had to deal with this when meeting my husband's coworkers...my dh works in a non jewish place. After over 20 years of everyone in Israel (from frum to apikorsis ) knowing frum women don't touch men I was totally unprepared when his boss stuck out his hand to me and basically grabbed my hand. I was in shock for a second or two.

I didnt yet ask my rav about it, and then it happened again with a different coworker, so I really need to ask him.

Last edited by lilacdreams on Thu, Sep 10 2009, 1:56 pm; edited 1 time in total

Annie

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 11:40 am

so, I had a substitute OB at my last visit, and he knew he wasn't supposed to shake hands or anything, but I was on my back on the exam table for the exam and I needed help getting up. I asked him if he could please help me (too big to get up with out something to push on), and he came back all apologetic and said "sure, sorry, I wasn't sure if I could help you." All I could think of was "well then how did you expect me to get off this table?" My regular OB gets it.

chaylizi

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 12:12 pm

my ob asks me, "do you want me to help you up?". it's an easy situation. if I need help, I have the offer & if not I just say thanks, I got it.

Sarah S

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 12:42 pm

at a meeting once I told the guy im jewish and accourding to my religion I cant shake hands with men. He asks me, my wife is jewish and I shake hands with her, Why cant I shake hands with you?

WriterMom

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 12:58 pm

Sarah S wrote:

at a meeting once I told the guy im jewish and accourding to my religion I cant shake hands with men. He asks me, my wife is jewish and I shake hands with her, Why cant I shake hands with you?

LOL. So, is he allowed to do with all women what he's allowed to do with his wife? Talk about missing your point.

Quote:

The weird thing is - maybe someone else has heard of this: Mormons tend to touch hands of new people because they can tell by touching someone if "they are with the devil"....I read it on a website and am wondering if its really true, because dh's boss really made a big deal about touching my hand...and of my kids.

Urban legend. I think Mormonism is bananas, but still don't like to see stuff like this. It's kind of like how the blood libel combines the fact that Jews drink wine at Passover and that the blood of a lamb was important in the original Passover (both true) and then say that Jews drink blood for wine/make matzot with blood. Mormons do have "secret handshakes" that full adult members learn, and they do believe that there are angels and devils among us, but they don't need to touch people for this reason.

I don't initiate shaking hands with men, but have no problem returning a handshake (although am always pleased when someone is thoughtful/clued in enough not to offer.) What I need to deal with is how to refuse hugs, which somewhat to my disgust are becoming as common as handshakes in some circles. My rabbi says that handshakes in the right context are acceptable because it doesn't convey attraction or affection, but hugs most certainly do. And I've had people hug me without asking (adult men, not girlfriends or kids) and I HATE it. I usually just stand there stiffly, which looks rude, but ... I'm not about to hug back, and I'm also not going to shriek "don't touch me!" I'm not talking about when they move in for a hug, I'm talking about when first thing you know, this guy is hugging you. I was at a seminar where the (male, 50s) leader said "I always hug all the women in the class!" Which was creepy, because he was specifying women, not hugging EVERYONE, and also - in this day and age? He's not aware that this is a litigation risk?

End of rant. Point is, I feel your pain, as they say, even if the exact issue in question is different.

lilacdreams

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 1:00 pm

Sarah that reminds me of the shul I grew up in.....after seminary I came back "all frum" and wouldn't shake hands with all the old men to wish them 'good shabbes" like I had been doing since I was a little girl. I told one particular regular "sorry I dont shake hands anymore" to which he replied "oh that's ok, let me give you a kiss instead!" - which he promptly did!!!!!!!

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 1:00 pm

all I can tell you people is that you have to explain why you dont shake hands very well.

my husband's aunt who is not religious at all, she knows from almost nothing had a bit of a mix up. we were visiting my in laws and she came to visit. it was time for her to leave so she kissed my MIL good bye and I went to give her a kiss and she asked me "oh, im allowed to kiss you?" and I said "well, why not? and she explained that when my SIL's husband was over he would not give her a kiss hello or goodbye so she thought that all religiuos people dont kiss people that are not frum. I explained how it really was.

so, just explain carefully and respectfully to them about hands shaking, if it is something that you are not comfortable with.

personally I would rather just shake the ir hand than start explaining and making people uncomfortable.

levanamoon

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 1:04 pm

I am more recently frum and I actually asked my Rebbetzin about this and she gave me a very nice answer. This is what she says, "It's very nice to meet you. For religious reasons, I don't shake hands." That way, you start out by saying something nice, then explain the reason and then only at the end say that you can't shake hands. I've tried it and it works pretty well.

If I'm with my husband, I say that I leave the handshaking to my husband.

At work, something else I try is that when I'm introduced to someone, I keep my hands behind my back and stand at a distance too far to shake hands and then kind of nod my head while saying "nice to meet you."

I don't think that any woman should feel embarassed or worried to not shake hands even when the other person's reaction isn't so great. I really embrace this mitzva even if it's hard because as a woman, it's nice to know that my own body space is my own and I choose with whom to share it.

lilacdreams

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 1:05 pm

writermom - how do you know its an UL? I saw it on so many websites written by Momons
here is one http://nowscape.com/mormon/handshake.htm

Last edited by lilacdreams on Thu, Sep 10 2009, 1:56 pm; edited 1 time in total

chaylizi

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 1:35 pm

WriterMom wrote:

I've had people hug me without asking (adult men, not girlfriends or kids) and I HATE it. I usually just stand there stiffly, which looks rude, but ... I'm not about to hug back, and I'm also not going to shriek "don't touch me!" I'm not talking about when they move in for a hug, I'm talking about when first thing you know, this guy is hugging you. I was at a seminar where the (male, 50s) leader said "I always hug all the women in the class!" Which was creepy, because he was specifying women, not hugging EVERYONE, and also - in this day and age? He's not aware that this is a litigation risk?

End of rant. Point is, I feel your pain, as they say, even if the exact issue in question is different.

um, ewww!

Crayon210

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 2:11 pm

grin wrote:

someoneoutthere wrote:

I understood that was the Lubavicher Rebbe's answer in such situations.

I've heard this too, but I don't know of any source.

cookielady

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 2:20 pm

Many years ago we lived on a college campus. When a male student went to shake my hand. I said "I'm sorry I don't shake hands with me."

So he hugged me.

pinktichel

Thu, Sep 10 2009, 2:23 pm

What I find most awkward, is not shaking a doctors hand but allowing him to do whatever needs to be done. Hard one to explain, but I do it anyway.

Page 2 of 5

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 Next