She adopted a child--and then gave him up

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imamama

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 2:18 pm

The Article

What do you think of this?

Raisin

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 2:24 pm

I can't really see how it is good for a kid to be shuffled from house to house. Also, would it be ok to do this with a biological child? What if you don't bond well with one of your kids - would it be in their interest to give them away?

Although, it seems she is doing this in the kids interest...

BinahYeteirah

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 4:10 pm

I'm not sure gave the attachment process long enough. There are biological mothers who can take many months to really feel attached to their children, especially if there are difficulties like ppd or the child has a lot of medical issues.

I also wonder if her husband was really on the same page with her with regards to the adoption. Did he really know what would be involved in dealing with an adopted child's potential issues? Or was she the one really pushing for the adoption and he went along?

ClaRivka

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 4:16 pm

omg this kid is going to have problems.

when u adopt a child he is supposed to b like one of your own children..u wudnt just give a way ur own child!

chaylizi

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 4:23 pm

the only thing positive I can think of this, is that at least he won't be abused (hopefully). not bonding with an adopted child & thinking of him as a lower being because of it, is just a setup for abuse.

ora_43

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 5:20 pm

I know she says she wasn't going into adoption with false expectations, but this line:

Quote:

They wanted to adopt to share their blessings with a child who otherwise would have had little hope.

makes me think she probably did have a problematic view of adoption from the get-go. It sounds like maybe she looked at adoption primarily as a way to be altruistic instead of a way to create a family.

I also was left wondering what the rest of her family was thinking. He husband just agreed to this? What about the older kids - were they not attached at all? Did they have trauma from losing a sibling, or did they never view him as such in the first place?

I'm surprised she talks about how she learned all about attachment issues, when she did something so likely to create future attachment issues and then basically explains it as "a loving new parent is better than a current ambivalent parent." The whole thing about attachment issues is davka that even with horrible first parents and wonderful second parents, the transfer itself can be deeply traumatic for a toddler or young child - so why did she assume that the third set of parents would be better for the child than she could be? Or maybe that's just what she wanted to believe. In any case, I found the brief explanation in the article unconvincing, it wasn't clear why she thought the child would be better off elsewhere.

imasinger

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 5:21 pm

BinahYeteirah wrote:

I have to wonder about the husband, too.

She gave the attachment process 18 months. That's a long time to get nothing back from a child. It could be that he had some issues that would prevent the attachment from ever happening.

I can't imagine ever adopting a child and then rejecting him like that, no matter what. But I bet that child has a better life now that he would have before he met her.

fmt4

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 5:24 pm

I think the worst part is this quote:
"It went both ways," she said in the interview. "The child, D., wasn't connecting with us."

How can you blame a baby for not connecting? He didn't kiss them enough, so they sent him back?

Disgusting.

imasinger

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 5:27 pm

If he was about a year when they got him, and they had him for 18 months, then he would have been about 2 1/2. I can't imagine any of my kids at 2 1/2 not offering any hugs, kisses, lifted arms, runs into a lap, SOMETHING! I wouldn't judge her before learning more.

fmt4

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 5:41 pm

But the point is that this isn't a regular kid. This is a child who has been abandoned and will obviously have some problems, including possibly bonding problems. This woman should have known that before adopting him. It's just idiocy to expect a child to bond with it's adoptive parent as quickly as a biological child would, and it's irresponsible and selfish to give the child up as a result of him not living up to her standards.

Raisin

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 5:42 pm

it's quite normal for children adopted at an older age to have issues. not sure if one is considered older though.

Who's to say this kid will show love to the next set of parents?

ora_43

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 5:44 pm

imasinger wrote:

She gave the attachment process 18 months. That's a long time to get nothing back from a child. It could be that he had some issues that would prevent the attachment from ever happening.

The article seems to imply that all the experts she talked to thought his attachment issues were within the normal range.

It is a long time to not have normal attachment with a child (I'm not sure where you're getting "nothing," did I miss something?). But on the other hand, part of adopting a child is being able to deal with that. There's no way a child in that situation (abandoned, little interaction as a baby) wouldn't have special needs and some form of attachment issues. And it sounds like she knew that.

Quote:

I can't imagine ever adopting a child and then rejecting him like that, no matter what. But I bet that child has a better life now that he would have before he met her.

There's not exactly a shortage of American parents waiting to adopt from abroad. Is his life better now than it would have been if he'd immediately been placed with a family that was truly ready to commit - which is what might very well have happened if she hadn't registered to adopt?

Raizle

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 6:35 pm

I don't know enough about the story but it really bugs me.

I've heard of lots of biological mothers who have attachement issues, do they give their kids away?
I agree with the comments that once you adopt the kid is yours for life.

I'm not surprised that there were attachement issuse, he was abandoned by the side of the road for goodness sake, he is gonna take a lot of time to trust again! espeically now

boy oh boy this kid is gonna have issues

Raisin

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 6:36 pm

it's probably not the smartest idea to adopt a kid with issues if you already have 5 older kids with demands on your time and energy.

bubby

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 6:46 pm

My first comment is don't buy this woman a pet.

My second is, she needs to be put up against a wall & shot.

marina

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 6:53 pm

better now than when the kid's five.

People give up adopted children but usually because the child is violent or has more behavioral issues than they expected. Not because the kid didn't bond appropriately.

Barbara

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 8:37 pm

bubby wrote:

My first comment is don't buy this woman a pet.

My second is, she needs to be put up against a wall & shot.

Thinking about this is giving me a headache.

My first, visceral, reaction was yours.

Then I wondered ... maybe the baby did have unexpected attachment issues. Probably he had expected ones. Maybe mom had unexpected issues, being unable to love an adopted baby in the same way she loved her biological children. Maybe the baby's perceived problems were caused in large part by the mother's problems. (I'm leaving Dad out, as he was gone most of the time.)

Who knows?

And can anyone really help the way they feel.

In the end, was the baby better off staying where he would never be loved, feeling like a 2d class citizen forever, or going to a new home where he would be loved and cherished in the manner he deserves.

As I said, round and round. I have no answers.

anonymom

Thu, Oct 01 2009, 11:34 pm

I did not even read the article. It sounds too sad. I'm going to kiss my sleeping kids right now. Good night.

ganizzy

Fri, Oct 02 2009, 12:48 am

I think the bonding thing is one of many reasons she gave him up.

she didnt fight with her husband bec he wasnt bonding, she fought bec she had to spend time with the child instead of dh, or she couldnt go somewhere bec of the child, or bec he made trouble

it sounds like it wasnt the percieved beautiful world she imagined adoption would be - she couldnt love him as much as her daughters, he was a hard kid, he didnt "bond", no one else in the family was really interested, so it wasnt worth the headache. but thats not nice to say so if u say there was no bonding both ways, things are a little more pc

He*Sings*To*Me

Fri, Oct 02 2009, 1:03 am

imasinger wrote:

BinahYeteirah wrote:

He was approximately a year when he was found by the side of the road in a South American country. I have nothing bad to say about this woman, as I think she did the right thing in this instance. It was perhaps basherit that she adopted him and realized she couldn't meet his needs adequately, because who he has ultimately ended up being adopted by is a psychologist with an older adopted son, whose husband and she are better equipped and experienced to meet the needs of this baby boy.
It is very easy to harshly judge a situation until one has been in it...in my past professional life, I saw well-meaning, loving people with alot of emotional stamina who could no longer handle foster care children who were poorly matched to them. Unlike biological connections that are made from the womb and moments and days and months beyond birth, bonding with a little someone who has a history and experiences you had no part in isn't always possible. It is sad, but true. We adults don't always hit it off with others, yet there may be a person whom we "click with" and bond with instantly. It's true in Shidduch arrangements. Look sometime on here how many site-sisters of ours have issues because the bonding process hasn't occurred...bonding is a human phenomenon that is unique to each separate situation. I cannot see what she did in a harsh light. I think it took alot of courage.

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