She adopted a child--and then gave him up

BrachaC

Fri, Oct 02 2009, 9:32 am

I work in the child welfare field for a foster care agency and just want to say that attachment issues are very difficult to work through. We have kids who have lived in the same home for years and then a couple months before the adoption is supposed to go through the parent starts making noise about "not being able to handle this..." I was recently at a training where the presenter (a fomer chair of the American Pyschiatric Association) talked about a ranch in Montana where families who adopt kids can pay a boat load of money, keep them on their health insurance until they are 18, but then drop them off at the ranch and walk away! I work with kids who have been abused, neglected, who's parents were killed in drive by shootings, or from AIDS etc and I cannot think of anything sadder then that ranch in Montana.

Chayalle

Fri, Oct 02 2009, 10:04 am

He*Sings*To*Me is the poster who makes alot of sense.

As someone who fostered a child for several years, and also mother of biological children, I am amazed how quick people are to judge someone whose shoes they have never been in. Loving your own child is different, and comes more naturally. For myself, I found it easier to understand my own children, because they take after me and my DH.

With my foster son, I had to go out on a limb to get to know him. He was so different! It's a step forward, two steps backwards, in the bonding process - constantly. And when you finally make progress, if the child's parents mix in it's even harder. The family dynamics, too, can be very complicated.

I think that if she couldn't hit it off with him, then ultimately it's better that she gave him up.

ora_43

Sat, Oct 03 2009, 3:40 pm

For the record, the people I know who found this story most upsetting are the ones who adopted kids from overseas. So while it's true that most of us have never been in the exact position this woman was in, I don't think this is an issue where only those who've "been there done that" can understand - davka the ones who have been there aren't exactly sympathizing with the mother.

And besides, I have been in this woman's shoes. I also don't think I could handle a child with issues on top of my existing family obligations. Which is why I'm not out adopting a child. I don't think it's so unreasonable to expect that other parents who (like me) aren't ready to fully commit to adoption either wait or go the foster-adopt route, and don't tell any child that they're his parents until they really mean it.

I don't think this is at all the same as disruption in a foster care setting. Foster care isn't a permanent commitment. It can become a permanent arrangement. But it tends to be different - foster kids tend to keep the name, language, culture, etc, that they were born with, they aren't pushed to see the new parents as "mommy and daddy" from the beginning, there's more understanding on both ends that the situation might be temporary. Whereas here the kid was taught that he is "D. [whatever their last name was]," and this is his family, his mommy and daddy and sisters, and that turned out to be a lie.

And there's a big difference between taking in a child who otherwise wouldn't have had a home, and taking in a child who otherwise would have gone to the next family on the list.

He*Sings*To*Me

Sat, Oct 03 2009, 9:18 pm

The issue is that of bonding. Numerous and varying examples of bonding situations have been brought up on this thread as real life instances where bonding has or has not occurred.
I personally know a 15-year-old adopted as a toddler from Lithuania, of unknown descent who is a happy, thriving, typical teenager with no real issues in his Jewish American home. This family also has an adopted daughter from the Ukraine, also an orphan of unknown descent (meaning no one knows who the bio-parents were) who was adopted as a baby, not an infant, from an orphanage, who is, in fact one of our daughter's best friends. There are literally tens of thousands of overseas and Third World Country adoptions that take place in North American homes each year, with no real bonding issues.
There is no 100% success rate with ANYTHING in this life, sometimes things just don't work out, be those things a marriage, a business endeavor, cancer treatments, adoption, getting places or having dinner served on time, whatever. And, just because there are those who've had the joy of successful marriages, successful businesses, have survived cancer, successfully raised adopted children, and are punctual consistently doesn't mean those who haven't quite met those standards deserve criticism and condemnation from the others. We, as Jews, need to practice rising above the human inclination to criticize others' failures, and try to look at situations from THEIR perspectives.
Having said that, I have a baby that is 18-months-old, same age as the baby boy that is the center of this controversial situation. Even though I wanted another baby, loved being pregnant with her, and endured another drug-free natural labor and delivery, I felt complete indifference toward her for about two months. I went through all the motions, including breastfeeding (she still is nursing), emotionally numb. I don't remember exactly when we bonded, per se, but now we are "girlfriends" and she is the light of my life, along with her 4 older sibs. I'm sure there are a number of us on here that, if were painfully honest, would admit bonding even with children borne of own womb was not ideally accomplished. Now, just think how hard it would be to give it your all to a child whose foundation you had no part in establishing the first entire year of life, when that child manifests indifference and doesn't seem to be thriving emotionally no matter how or what you do. While I have a son with Asperger's whom I expect that from, it would be heart-wrenching coming from a neuro-typical baby or child. Would any of us honestly be able to handle that month-after-month?

grace413

Sun, Oct 04 2009, 1:40 am

The whole story is very sad. I don't understand why a woman with 4 kids and a mostly absent husband decided to adopt a toddler, especially one bound to have attachment issues. I hope the child does well with his new family.

Chayalle mentioned that her bio kids were easier to understnd because they were like her and her DH while her foster son was not. While this is frequently true, sometimes it isn't. There is a lot written about children and parents being a "good fit" and it's descriing bio not adoptive families.

If I may bore you with my own family; my sibs and I are a different as 3 people could be. I have a hard time grasping the fact that my DH and his brother were born to the same people and raised in the some home - they are so opposite. My sister's oldest daughter is not like her at all; furthermore my neice's positive qualities are not ones that my sister values. They have had conflicts throughout her life (she's 25 now). My sister loves her but does not understand her or particularly like her.

My DD, who we adopted at birth, is also nothing like me, so yes, sometimes it's hard for me to understand her. However, I find her delightful - she has wonderful qualities that I only wish I had. She also doesn't have some of the less sterling aspects of my character. I don't have to push her to be physcially active because she is so naturally, while I'm a couch potato. What I'm trying to say is that certain things even out and personality similarities are not necessarily a guarantee of good parent child relations.

Somebody posted that a couple treats its adopted kids "as if they were their own." I hate to be politically correct but, once people adopt a child, that child is their own. I am not raising somebody elses' child; I am raising my own child who Hashem sent to me through adoption.

He*Sings*To*Me

Sun, Oct 04 2009, 9:14 am

Grace, "bore" us anytime...more often, maybe? Wink

You've been a site-sister for four and a half years, girl...set yourself a place at the table, there's always room for one more!
Having said that, again, this is about bonding, not about similarities and differences. As Grace413 established, and as probably most of us on here can attest, the bonds we have with others (be they family, adopted children, or perfect strangers that by basherit come into our lives who grow to become those dearest of friends who are like-family) have little to nothing to do with similarities and differences. Bonding transcends similarities and differences, it is an indescribable spiritual, emotional, and psychological attachment and connection...those of us who have it with someone know what that's like.
Twelve-month-olds are still very much more "baby" than "toddler"...many are walking and talking at that age, but they still are still babies. Baby "D" was approximately twelve-months-old when he was welcomed into the lives of his adoptive parents and 3 older sisters as their long-awaited baby son and baby brother. With him being developmentally delayed, he was even more so like a baby than a typical North American born and raised baby would be. Over the next several months, all resources available to them and any families of adopted children that assist in making a smooth transition were exhausted. I'm going to assume that the majority of posters on this thread haven't read her personal narrative before commenting, and aren't aware Anita did not enter into the adoption process on a whim, and never at any point approached any aspect of the process as if shopping for a new designer accessory. Rather, adoption was approached as a loving way to add to her family and give a child a life they would not have otherwise had...
She did JUST THAT: as it has turned out, this precious little guy is thriving in his permanant placement. Mother is a psychologist and she and her husband have successfully parented another adopted son, who'd had bonding issues. "D" has really taken to his older brother and his dad. Anita did not 'fail' her son. She, in fact, loved him enough to recognize that it was in his best interest to allow him to be matched with a more compatible family.
There are three kinds of human beings: the kind that will throw up their hands and quit when things get too hard, those that are too stubborn and prideful to admit they are in over their heads and will continue to allow a situation to inflict misery on themselves and others by playing the suffering martyr all for the appearance of not seeming to be a quitter, and those who possess the intelligence, strength of character and discernment to recognize when it is appropriate to bring to a conclusion a situation that is not healthy for any of the parties involved, regardless of the controversy it may bring onto that person.
I feel sorry for those who see this woman as being in the first or second catagories. For those who bother to take the time to read her personal narrative, they will realize that she, in fact, is in the third.

Last edited by He*Sings*To*Me on Sun, Oct 04 2009, 9:17 am; edited 1 time in total

Inspired

Sun, Oct 04 2009, 10:47 am

Hm. I stopped watching the video when she said she "tried hard to find a connection, probably harder than with my biological children." Ok, I am neither an adoptive or foster parent or an adopted child but I have read enough on the subject that I believe I am correct in saying she should have definitely been prepared to try harder. There are methods one uses, "games" that are played to foster attachment and trust in older adopted children. In the situation that child was coming from she should have considered RAD a real possibility and prepared for it. I respect that since she did not prepare to deal with that (a mistake I think she made) and found herself in the situation where she could not deal with child, she recognized her limitations and gave the child a chance at a better life.

RAD:
http://www.radkid.org/