DD doesn't want to babysit

amother

Thu, Sep 02 2010, 6:11 pm

My dd gets a lot of requests to babysit. The only problem is that she really doesn't like to babysit. She doesn't mind once in a long while, but gets especially frustrated when the requests come close together.

My question is - am I supposed to tell her that it's good for her to take the jobs because it's important to do chesed? Or should I accept the fact that she doesn't generally do babysitting and to tell people that and that not everyone does babysitting, no big deal. She would get her chesed in through her high-school chesed requirements. When I encourage her strongly to take a job and she does it - it sometimes backfires and she gets really moody about it. In one extreme case she actually backed out at the last minute.

Also, I feel awkward when I repeatedly have to turn neighbors down.
I'd appreciate advice on the best way to handle this situation.

morah

Thu, Sep 02 2010, 6:28 pm

Don't push her to do chesed in a way that will leave her feeling resentful. I remember the chesed requirements at my school that basically left me volunteering in venues that I was really unsuited for and left me feeling resentful of chesed work for years. As much as chesed isn't supposed to necessarily be easy or fun, if you make it torture for a teenager they will never develop a proper appreciation for it. Push her to do some kind of chesed, but ask what she would prefer. She may not be cut out for babysitting but she might enjoy packing food for Tomchei Shabbos or visiting homebound elderly people. And when it comes to turning babysitting down, just tell people she has other commitments and can't do it, no need for further explanation.

amother

Thu, Sep 02 2010, 7:50 pm

One mother REALLY wanted my dd to babysit while we were at a camp DD was really uncomfortable with the idea. She actually IS an AMAZING babysitter....for her siblings! Other people's kids just make her nervous. I let her make the decision....and she didn't want to at all. Yes, I understand you about feeling awkward with the mothers. However, my daughter's comfort was more important to me. Not all teenage girls like to babysit, so just have her find another outlet for chesed.

amother

Thu, Sep 02 2010, 9:27 pm

OP here, Thanks. I would definitely put aside my awkardness if I need to. I just wanted reassurance that this is the right thing to do. Could be it's all in my head but there seems to be an expectation, at least around here, that if you are a teenage girl then you babysit, which makes her feel taken advantage of.

amother

Thu, Sep 02 2010, 9:29 pm

chocolate moose wrote:

Some ppl expect the babysitter to do a lot of work, along with minding the kids.

is this for pay ?

A lot of it's for pay (low pay), but there's one neighbor that asks her to do every so often for 20-30 min. at a time with no time. She actually minds that less because she just doesn't like being there for hours at a time or till late at night.

amother

Thu, Sep 02 2010, 9:30 pm

amother wrote:

chocolate moose wrote:

Some ppl expect the babysitter to do a lot of work, along with minding the kids.

is this for pay ?

I mean with no pay

chatz

Thu, Sep 02 2010, 9:30 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you Morah! That was well - said. I like your suggestion to find other chesed outlets. I do feel guilty, though, letting other people down, on the other hand it seems it's not up to me.

No, no, never feel guilty for telling others no in favor of your children. If she doesn't want to babysit and you agree she doesn't have to, definitely don't force her.

The first time I babysat, I was 18 and it was my niece. Since then, I've babysat my nieces/nephews KAH many times but not for others. I once "babysat" for my cousin (her kids were all sleeping) and I didn't feel comfortable.

If chessed is the goal, as Morah mentioned, there's other outlets. It doesn't seem money is the issue (but even if it were, there's always other jobs).

amother

Thu, Sep 02 2010, 10:01 pm

amother wrote:

I know EXACTLY what you mean! Mothers assume just because my dd is a teenager that she will want to babysit. Um, she doesn't! She loves watching her siblings, but she has 0 desire to watch other people's kids.

Once when she was 10 and her sister was 9, another mother and I were going on a day trip together. I went to pick her up knocked on her door. When the mother answered she asked if I could please "send a girl up" to help her. I had already asked them to help get the little kids out of the house, and they didn't really want to do anything else, which I completely understood. It had been a long morning. When I told her "no" she was very upset and totally taken aback. I guess she had just assumed my girls would help her. I didn't care, my girls had had enough!

We spend a lot of time on Shabbatons where there are famililes with lots of littles kids and no older children. I have told my girls that if anyone asks them to help with their kids, they should tell the mothers they need to ask me first if it is OK. This gives them a chance to decide, plus if they don't want to I will just deal with the awkwardness, not them.

Some mothers feel that ANY girl over age 8 or 9 is old enough to watch their kids. They aren't, in my opinion.

amother

Thu, Sep 02 2010, 10:24 pm

OP here. Wow! previous amother - you're really bringing on the memories. When dd was maybe 11, neighbors would knock on my door and ask her to cross them the street, one even once asked her to walk her a few blocks and it was getting dark soon. And when we had a kiddie pool I was happy to say - yes, you can use it, no my dd cannot be the life guard. Those are just a few stories. On one hand I know it's chesed but OTOH I wonder at what point girls are being taken advantage of.

amother

Thu, Sep 02 2010, 10:35 pm

amother wrote:

this is the other amother from above....I really feel very strongly about not allowing my daughters to be taken advantage of by mothers who feel they need them. I know to someone whose oldest child is 2, whose 2nd child is 8 months, and she is expecting another, that my 9 or 10 year old seems grown-up, but they aren't. They are still MY little kids. Yes, they help me with their siblings, but that is under my supervision and the know 100 % that they can stop helping at ANY time. I have been to events where we take our kids to have fun, and mothers' eyes light up when they see my daughters. I am fully prepared to tell them "No, my daughters will not babysit for you. They are here to have fun." I know they think I am being mean, unhelpful, etc and don't understand they need help. I do understand. I had 3 under 3, too. Someday, though, they will understand that a teenager is still a kid.

avigayil

Thu, Sep 02 2010, 10:48 pm

I see a LOT the situation where families need someone to fill in an area of child care and say blindly, get a BY girl...calla BY girl. I feel strongly that unmarried girls need to have the right to say whether or not they want to do a job. They will have full responsibility of their own families in s few years anyway. Let them decide whether or not they are able to do a job.

Some families are simply not aware of the class scdedule these girls are under. A dual ciriculum is very difficult, even for the brightest girl. These girls also have some aspects of a social life, which must be respected.

Kayza

Fri, Sep 03 2010, 12:14 am

amother wrote:

Also, I feel awkward when I repeatedly have to turn neighbors down.

Why are YOU turning them down? If she is old enough to babysit, then she is old enough to decide herself if she wants to babysit, and to turn people down on her own.

If she doesn't do anything for anyone then I would say that you need to guide her to do chesed. On the other hand, if that's not the case, no one has a right to insist she do a particular chesed. Another thing to think about though, is the money she might earn. You shouldn't make too big of a deal about it, but she's old enough to try to find a way to pay for some of her things herself.

RachelEve14

Fri, Sep 03 2010, 12:19 am

Ask your dd for numbers of friends who like to babysit. When someone calls you, say "Tova isnt' really up for babysitting, but her friends Chana & Sarah are both wonderful with kids, would you like their number?"

I have a close friend with 4 girls, the oldest has never watched my kids, it's just not her thing. The middle two are my best babysitters, and if one of them can't make it I have gotten numbers of their friends to call if I need a sitter. Explain to your dd that if someone is really stuck (they have a meeting at their kids' school in 30 min. and their sitter just called in sick) it can be a chessed to babysit, but she certainly doesn't have to feel obligated to babysit if it's not her thing.

amother

Fri, Sep 03 2010, 12:28 am

Kayza wrote:

amother wrote:

Also, I feel awkward when I repeatedly have to turn neighbors down.

Why are YOU turning them down? If she is old enough to babysit, then she is old enough to decide herself if she wants to babysit, and to turn people down on her own.
.

A teenage girl is not necessarily old enough to be able to handle a pushy mother who won't take "no" for an answer, especially when the mother is practically begging for a babysitter. Not all mothers are like this, but many people are. Teenagers are still kids that need their parents' support. Yes, a girl can decide if she wants to or not, but some mothers are VERY difficult to deal with. I have actually been very impressed with girls (even 16 or 17 year olds) who put me on hold to ask their mothers if they can take a babysitting job. It shows respect for what her family might need her to do before she can commit to me. Also, it shows me that a girl has good communication with her mom and I feel comfortable leaving my kids with her. I know that her mom knows that she will be at my home, and that the girl is able to talk to her mom just in case something happens while we are away that needs an adults attention.

shalhevet

Fri, Sep 03 2010, 4:55 am

I don't think anyone should ever, ever "volunteer" someone else to do a chessed. You want to? Great, go ahead. But don't push it on someone else's back. Not your child's. And not your husband's, either.

What I would do, though, is discuss it with your dd (at another time, not when asked). Personally I would encourage her to do so for someone who is really in need eg they have to rush out with one child to a doctor, or their own mother just called them that they feel ill and they have to rush over to her. Because that might be a chesed no-one else can do.

However, if someone needs a babysitter to go to a shiur or a class or a wedding or shopping or whatever, it should be totally up to your daughter. As people have said, there is no reason she can't get chinuch doing chessed with something totally different. Who says you have to do chessed you hate (outside emergencies)? Maybe she'd rather help an old lady, or organize the school library, or help out at home, or bake a cake for a neighbour who is sick, or open a gemach in school?

Kayza

Fri, Sep 03 2010, 10:15 am

amother wrote:

Kayza wrote:

Why are YOU turning them down? If she is old enough to babysit, then she is old enough to decide herself if she wants to babysit, and to turn people down on her own.
.

Very different issue. The girl turns the parent down - but knows that if parent pushes she puts mom on the phone. That's not mom turning the other parent down, it's mom then backing her daughter up. And, it cuts down on the number of times that Mom has to say no. If parents ask Mom directly for DD's services her answer should not be "No", but "I'll ask her and let you know." It sets an important limit and sends a clear message that Mom does not accept DD's status as a commodity to be "placed".

Quote:

I have actually been very impressed with girls (even 16 or 17 year olds) who put me on hold to ask their mothers if they can take a babysitting job. It shows respect for what her family might need her to do before she can commit to me. Also, it shows me that a girl has good communication with her mom and I feel comfortable leaving my kids with her.

Again, that;s a different issue. I agree that a girl should make sure that her commitment to her family is given priority than her interest in babysitting, etc. But that is not about a mother being the one who decides on other basis whether her daughter should baby sit or declining FOR her.