How do I stop my toddler from hitting me?

twinkltoes

Sun, Dec 12 2010, 10:40 pm

Hi,
I have a son who will be 2 next month. He's so yummy except he hits me and my husband (mostly) and sometimes his older sisters. First I tried teaching him the opposite. When he'd hit I would take his hand and stroke my arm with it or his sister with his hand and say, "Niiiiiiice. Niiiiiiice." That didn't work. Then I tried getting upset with him and sternly telling him, "NO! We DON'T HIT." And then I'd put him in his bed for time out. He still doesn't get it. When he is affectionate and kiss-y we praise him profusely.

Also, when I'm changing his diaper, he kicks and bruises my arms. It sometimes takes 2 of us to change him.

I want to nip this in the bud while he's still little. I'm thinking, "What will be when he's 3 and 4 and 5 and older?"

His verbal skills are limited and I know that when he hits it's out of frustration because he's trying to tell us what he wants and we don't understand him. But he still can't hit us.

I would like to hear suggestions of what others have done that has worked with this issue.

Thanks

supermama2

Mon, Dec 13 2010, 12:20 am

Following advise from a book I read...when my 3 y.o. gets into that mode ( I didn't know about this method earlier ) I just pick him up and give him lots of hugs and kisses until he's smiling. Then I continue doing whatever it is I need to do with him. Repeat as necessary...this works w/ this particular child but each one is different and also consider you might have to have several hug/kiss sessions w/ him in one sitting before he smiles Wink

hatzlacha!

Hatemywig

Mon, Dec 13 2010, 2:07 am

I used to hold my toddlers hands, by the wrists for a minute or so and tell him that I'm holding his hands because he used them to hit. I did NOT bruise him or hold him tightly, I held them tight enough so that he doesn't escape them but loose enough so it shouldn't hurt him.

It took a while, but he got the message.

Justlookup

Mon, Dec 13 2010, 5:55 am

oh my, I have the exact same issue except my baby's only 14 months! and its not bec. he's frustrated that he can say something - he just randomly hits us...he's really delicious and ususally smily, happy B"H, ...it seems like he discovered hitting and likes to try it on us - pulling our glasses off and hitting our faces...but I dont know how to teach him that we cant do that. I also tried making 'nice' w/ his hands, or gently holding htem back/together (not hurting) so he stops, but he doesnt seem to get that its not a good thing to do...I hope its something he will grow out of soon since I dont know how else to teach him and it seems he just discovered this concept, not thats its bad.

Chayalle

Mon, Dec 13 2010, 7:18 am

It might not be possible to just "nip it in the bud"....some children take a while to learn this concept. As another poster said, some children express frustration this way when they don't have a verbal outlet, or they are just more impulsive and use their hands very quickly.

My DD is 2 1/1 and she is also a "hitter". I didn't have this with my other DD's - she's a different personality. I'm definitely not alllowing it, but she's taking a while learning. Right now when she hits we pick her up and put her in time out where she has to stay there for 2 minutes, and we tell her very firmly that potching is not allowed. Recently I told her that it says in the Torah that we may not potch our Mommy or Totty (note she is very verbal so she understood what I was saying to some degree). It was interesting to see that she was very serious when I told her that.

We also discuss with her during calm times that we don't potch. She will tell me very proudly that she didn't potch anyone today (sometimes it's stretching the truth a bit...)

Here and there I see her trying to control herself, and when she does I tell her I'm very proud that she didn't potch. She gets a mitzva note, etc....

I'm hoping that she will learn to leave this behind soon. Meanwhile.....I'm hanging in there, trying to keep my expectations in line with her personal abilities.

Chayalle

Mon, Dec 13 2010, 7:36 am

flowerpower wrote:

Either distract him or gently hold his hands down without saying anything. I find that when you say don't hit or something like that they enjoy doing it even more.

This has not been my experience at all. I would think it would be related to a certain personality type.

I don't see that my DD enjoys hitting...she just doesn't have a ton of self control and it's her impulsive reaction to being upset.

the world's best mom

Mon, Dec 13 2010, 8:42 am

twinkltoes wrote:

I want to nip this in the bud while he's still little. I'm thinking, "What will be when he's 3 and 4 and 5 and older?"

His verbal skills are limited and I know that when he hits it's out of frustration because he's trying to tell us what he wants and we don't understand him. But he still can't hit us.

Hitting is a typical behavior for non-verbal children. I wouldn't worry about when he's older, because the behavior is likely to change by then.

I find that it doesn't matter so much how you choose to handle it, as long as you are calm and consistent. My 2 year old loves to hit, so I hold his hand and say "No hitting." If he does it again I sit him down on the floor and say "No hitting." Then he cries and stops. With dd, I used to use time outs. Whatever you do, it will eventually sink in, though it will take time. There is no magic cure.

ewa-jo

Mon, Dec 13 2010, 9:07 am

I read somewhere that you (first) act calmly and don't show anger/frustration/shock because your child may be feeding off getting an emotional reaction from you. And then (second) you hit them back (gently, but enough so they feel it) and say 'oh, we're playing the hitting game now? how fun!' and hit them back for every time they do it to you. Then you say that you're finished playing the game - it's no fun anymore - and walk away.

For one thing, it reinforces to them that something 'not nice' happens when they hit.... what do you think will happen if they hit another kid on the playground? The kid will likely hit them back - that's just life. Also, giving them an unexpected reaction shows the child that you are not taking their behavior seriously and takes all the wind out of their sails.

A child who wants attention will act out to get a rise out of you. They want you to be occupied with them, worried about them... and even serious attempts at discipline just show the child that their behavior gives them lots of time and attention and concern from mommy. YOU should be the one who chooses where to focus your time and attention with your children, not running around trying to put out fires.

...my opinion anyways. My two are still small, but when my toddler has hit, pinched..etc I do it back to him and say 'not nice' and it has stopped him in continuing the behavior.