Accepting that ds has ADHD

amother

Sun, Sep 04 2011, 1:36 am

My oldest has always been perfect in my eyes. The sweetest most precious blessing. I waited many years before I was blessed with children and I just couldn't believe the miracle of him.

Somehow I always feel run down, when he is awake I feel completely exhausted...but I noticed that as soon as he sleeps I don't feel like I "must lie down immediately" anymore.

He is extremely active and smart bli ayin hora. When we visit other people's houses they are always surprised by the things he figures out and gets into. Also when we visit other people's houses they get so nervous about how he is acting that they tell me that I should be preventing him from climbing the railing/standing in the high chair/standing in the carriage/etc. ad infinitum and they make me feel like they consider me a bad parent.

If they had him and only him to take care of for an entire day there is no way they would be able to control him the whole day. They wouldn't be able to keep him off the chair/counter/table/out the door etc.

This Shabbos I met a new family. They have a few children that have ADHD. The mother is a therapist for ADHD. This is the first time I have been somewhere where nothing surprised them and I didn't feel that they judged my mothering at all - in fact they felt I was too worried and that I wouldn't be able to stop ds from doing all these things so I should relax! What a breath of fresh air! They and their children actually knew how to handle ds and he had a blast! It was the first time I was ever relaxed at anyone's house!

Well, people have been saying for years how active he is and how the things he does their kids would never come up with etc...and I never took it to heart. He is my first, the oldest, so I had no one to compare him to. I am constantly tired, I am by nature not hyperactive. An over-achiever and perfectionist yes, but my energy just cannot compare to his. I feel like I am always running because he needs constant attention.
Other mothers always inquire as to what exactly I busy myself with all day at home. They insist I must be bored out of my mind or sleeping.

Well now I know why they don't understand. Now I know why I couldn't understand their question! My ds has ADHD and their children don't! I never realized what a difference it is. I thought - ok - so he is quite active just like his father, no big deal. He is also very smart so I thought he is just gifted. Now that I have confirmation from a therapist I am digesting the reality.

I want to home-school him. Most days I feel that I don't have the energy for it. I am not sure if I don't really have the energy or it is just psychological that I think I can't manage it...

Do anyone have any alternative treatments ie. dietary changes or environmental aspects that I can control to help make this more manageable for me? Anything you can recommend that I read or do?

grace413

Sun, Sep 04 2011, 1:47 am

Your DS is still perfect and a blessing, even with ADHD.

I'm a couch potato mother with 2 extremely active kids, one ADHD. Just one of Hashem's little jokes.

It is exhausting - and you don't mention how many other kids you have. The best thing, if possible, is to find outlets for his energy that don't also tire you out. When my kids were small I took them to the park every day, weather permitting, and let them round around while I sat watching them. I had them run races with each other. If there are indoor play areas for a reasonable costs nearby, that works well also.

You can't let him do dangerous things but he has to "get his energy out" as I tell my kids. Pay no attention to people whose children are little bubbelehs who stay seated and don't move until less they are told to.

I suggest the book "Raising Your Spirited Child". I found it full of useful suggestions, practical advice and a clear explanation of temperment.

Hatzlacha.

Marion

Sun, Sep 04 2011, 2:40 am

2 things.

One is that an ADHD child can do wonderfully quiet things, just like everyone else's "perfect" children when they get some one-on-one time. My DS#1...give him a puzzle and he's happy. Give him 3 puzzles and he'll do them all. Not systematically, but he's good!

Second is to find outlets. We've done a sports chug one afternoon a week for the last couple of years; next year I think I want to send him to karate/taekwondo, even though it's twice a week, there's something in the methodology and setting that settles them somewhat, but it's still quite active.

Rewards systems work. This morning he was running around pretending to be on a scooter (which he doesn't own) and he needed to be upstairs brushing his teeth. I told him to take the scooter upstairs with him (something that would of course never be allowed if it was a real scooter) and brush his teeth on it. DH (who was left to deal with it) tells me it worked...

amother

Sun, Sep 04 2011, 3:07 am

OP here.

Thank you for your replies.

DS loves puzzles but the ones we have are too advanced for him and he needs me to sit with him, maybe today I will buy some more appropriate for his age. He is almost 3.

DS plays very well quite things so long as DH or I are giving him at least 90% of our attention. DH and I can't talk to each other at the dinner table without him acting up, but if we talk to ds he calms down. Well that is for the 2 minutes he will sit at the table.

He walks by his little sister and pinches her, stam, just because and continues. She was doing absolutely nothing to provoke him. Is this normal behavior for any child? I always figured it was normal...but maybe it isn't? I have nothing to go on here because he is my first! Smile

I would like to take him to the park every day BUT he still needs me for everything there, so I don't get to just sit down. He wants me to swing him, or shake him on the springy thing or spin him on the merry go round etc.

I would also like to get him a trampoline, I think that could be great for him...haven't seen one in the toy stores yet, will keep looking.

ora_43

Sun, Sep 04 2011, 4:00 am

Wait, so has your son actually been diagnosed with ADHD by a professional? Or you're just assuming because he's similar to other children who have been diagnosed?

Or this one professional who you just met over Shabbat "diagnosed" him?

Just based on what you said it sounds premature to decide he has a disorder. A child can be very active, high-energy, and/or tiring without having ADHD.

And if he still has a high chair and stroller to stand in, he's probably what, two years old? Maybe 3? If so, he's too young to be accurately diagnosed by anyone.

Yes, it's fine if he has ADHD and it doesn't need to make his life any worse, etc, but really, don't even think about it until he's school age and you've had him officially tested.

amother

Sun, Sep 04 2011, 4:33 am

Yes, she said he has ADHD. She observed ds for close to 7 hours. She doesn't have small children anymore and her older children were serving etc. so all her attention was on ds. She saw him interacting with us, with his sister, with her son, animals etc. She interacted with him. I am not sure why you think that she would need to be in a clinic to officially diagnose him, maybe she did all the tests while we were there. I don't know of course, but I didn't get the feeling that she pronounced it lackadaisically. In fact, she even recommended literature I should read.

I told her that I had heard you can't diagnose ADHD until age 5 and she said that in some cases that is true but for other cases it is baloney.

Also school age is a problem. In our community children start school at age 3. Well what do you do when the Rebbi wants the children to sit in a chair most of the day and they only have one recess...oh and they aren't busy with art projects. It is a problem!

B"h I know there is nothing wrong with ds, he is exactly how Hashem made him. I hate the word disorder because it implies that something is wrong with someone, and I disagree with that. I just want to make sure that I do everything I can to ensure that he learns and gets individual attention and never gets labeled chas v'shalom a "bad" kid (like dh was).

Dh also has it "unofficially" and these were the first people to have such a good conversation with him! Other people get frustrated with his jumping around from topic to topic forward and backwards etc. This couple knew how to talk to him and what to expect, it was so nice that dh was able to feel comfortable with them!

grace413

Sun, Sep 04 2011, 4:42 am

amother wrote:

My DD loves puzzles. Don't buy too many at a lower level because he will probably move to a higher level quickly.

He's only 3? I thought more like 5-6. Many 3 year olds do not sit at the table for more than 2 minutes.
When I took my kids to the park at that age, I also had to push them on the swings etc. but still it helps to get there energy out and then they are a bit calmer when they get home. (Yes, I used to envy the mothers at the park who were actually sitting and reading books). Fresh air and activity are good for everybody. Some kids do demand a lot of time and attention. At age 3, if they feel attention deprived they may just work harder to get your attention. If they feel their needs are met, they may be more inclined to do more on their own. Yes, it's exhausting.

Re pinching his sister; it's normal but not acceptable. Meaning many kids hit/bite/whatever their smaller siblings and the mother's job is to teach the older child that it's not acceptable. You have to find what works - timeout; talking to him about it, taking away a toy or privilege. Sometimes having him help you with her works - he want to be involved with her but doesn't know how.

ora_43

Sun, Sep 04 2011, 4:57 am

Personally, I'd be suspicious of anyone who thinks they can diagnose that easily. Usually diagnosis is something that happens after multiple people (who work with kids professionally) have noticed issues with the kid, not something that involves just one opinion.

Not only is it usually not done until at least age 5 (which is what "school age" means even if different communities call earlier care settings "school"), it's also usually not done without observing the child in multiple settings. A child who only has problems at school but not at home probably doesn't have ADD and vice versa.

A "therapist for ADHD" can mean many things, but it doesn't always mean qualified to diagnose.

I'm not saying your kid doesn't have ADHD, just that it sounds odd. All the "symptoms" you give sound odd. He's two, what would he be doing besides climbing on everything? What 3-year-old is capable of sitting in a chair for most of the day with just one recess?

It's great that you want to help him as early as possible, but the best way to do that is to get the most accurate diagnosis possible. I can think of several people I know who were diagnosed at a young age with ADD but later re-diagnosed with Aspergers or sensory disorder, or vice versa - and then it was like "oh no WONDER all the things we were doing to treat the 'ADD' didn't help." Sometimes labels can help, but other times they can just throw people off the track of the real issue.

amother

Sun, Sep 04 2011, 5:56 am

OP again,

I also thought that his behavior was par for the course, but when he was in school last year the teachers were always complaining about him. They told me he was not like the other children - and there were 14 kids in his class.

So according to his teachers (and whenever I see him with others the same age) he seems to be smarter and much less disciplined. The kids in his class all sat nicely and ate at the table together as they were told to do and they sat until they finished eating, he takes three bites and he is gone. Not done eating but gone, runs off to do something else and comes back later for another bite. Just one example.

DS gets everywhere - he will get a chair or ladder to get what he wants. Locked the door but he wants to got to shul with Tatty? Grab the chair open the top lock - hunt for wherever Mommy has hidden the key, find it and unlock the door. Unless he is asleep I have to be constantly aware of where he is at every moment.

I don't know if the kupa will even let him get tested at this age...so I guess I will have to wait for that anyway. The only reason I would test him so young is for therapy, I wouldn't give him medication at this age anyhow.

Carriages, cribs, high chairs forget it. He gets out of all straps. He has gotten out of everything since a year old, so he has been in a regular bed and chair since then. When we are guests at people's houses they assume he should be in a highchair and crib because of his age but forget about it! It isn't happening! Smile

DS has been walking since 9 months old, not just taking steps, walking. That is a physical developmental thing though, but he really has had me on the run from a young age!

Stayci

Sun, Sep 04 2011, 5:57 am

I agree with Ora_43.

Are you sure that the person who 'diagnosed' your son is a professional diagnostician? Even a special educator, or specialists cannot formally diagnose. I don't even know if child psychologists or diagnosticians are allowed to diagnose in informal settings.

Every person who diagnoses a child with ADHD say for example, pediatricians and/or child psychologists, uses standard guidelines to diagnose and the final diagnosis involves gathering information from several sources, including schools, caregivers, and parents.

The diagnoses may be right, but it may be that the child is simply very active, or really smart and needs to be stimulated accordingly.

I would recommend getting a proper diagnosis so you can plan you child's future properly.