UGH! Inconsiderate guests!!!

chocolate moose

Thu, Aug 31 2006, 2:17 pm

Wed night, for example, DS phoned and said he’d be home for Shabbos, and might bring two friends. Today, Thursday, I have to shop so I can cook on Friday of course.

Now - Just b/c he said it doesn’t mean anything…..he might stay where he is. He might come home and they all eat someone else. And they all might eat here both meals!

I can almost never plan these things; for Shabbosim such as these, I don’t fuss but just make sure there’s enough and that the leftovers will be accounted for.

MommyLuv

Thu, Aug 31 2006, 2:25 pm

OP, I've been in the hosts shoes and I've been in the guests shoes plenty of times
It's inconvenient but sometimes things change beyond your control. I've had to cancel out last minute, and I've had guests let me know on Shabbos morning that they couldnt come to lunch...
At least you got a phone call before Shabbos instead of them never showing up at all...

Motek

Thu, Aug 31 2006, 2:49 pm

SaraG wrote:

Now - Just b/c he said it doesn’t mean anything…..he might stay where he is. He might come home and they all eat someone else. And they all might eat here both meals!

That's your choice to tolerate that. You allow him not to commit.

mummy - I'm mellowing in my old age Wink

chocolate moose

Thu, Aug 31 2006, 4:43 pm

Motek you obviously never lived in C.H. OR had teenagers. B/c they don’t operate that way!

gryp

Thu, Aug 31 2006, 8:43 pm

mummyof6 wrote:

Motek wrote:

I personally make kiddush in the morning for myself so that I can eat whatever I want later on, when I'm hungry.

<fainting> shock

Motek, wasn't that a bit personal for the forum? Soon you'll be revealing which continent you live on.

(sorry, Motek, I cant help but laugh at this one! LOL

)

Motek

Thu, Aug 31 2006, 8:50 pm

SaraG wrote:

Motek you obviously never lived in C.H. OR had teenagers. B/c they don’t operate that way!

I stand by what I said. You allow your son to avoid committing. That's your choice.

shayna82

Thu, Aug 31 2006, 9:18 pm

Pickle Lady wrote:

wow lunch at 11:30 is amazing!!! DH doesn't come home from shul till atleast 1:30 and lunch doesn't start til atleast 2 -2:30 wow

Also its happens. I have had that many times. Just go with the flow. Thats what it means to have guests.

ditto that!!!!

chocolate moose

Thu, Aug 31 2006, 9:27 pm

Me too, Motek. It doesn't work that way.

Motek

Thu, Aug 31 2006, 9:44 pm

YOU don't work that way. It's your choice. Yup, repeating myself.

I realize you think it's an act of G-d. How about an experiment. The next time your son says that, you say, I need to know by Thursday night who is coming.

If he doesn't call and confirm but comes anyway, you don't have food for extra people.

If he confirms but doesn't show up, then the next time he asks you tell him, sorry, last time I prepared but you didn't show up.

Of course you have to warn him since the shock of having to actually make a commitment and inform you of his intentions will take getting used to!

chocolate moose

Thu, Aug 31 2006, 9:51 pm

And then what, when people show up at the door, turn them away? Or if DS finds a friend in shul and they want to eat together, he'll ditch us and show up someplace else?

Uh-huh.

People do what they want......but in C.H., kiddushim and seudas are much more spontaneous!

ButterflyGarden

Fri, Sep 01 2006, 3:52 am

I always cook for an extra one or two people and usually set an extra place at my table. That way when unexpected guests show up, I'm prepared. It also means DH can bring people home from shul and they don't feel like they are intruding. The leftovers are eaten for dinner on sunday,or as lunches during the week.

chocolate moose

Fri, Sep 01 2006, 9:54 am

I think that's fine. Within reason, of course. you don't want expensive shabbos food eaten all week.

but I think a teen needs to be alowed to be flexible.

morningstar

Fri, Sep 01 2006, 11:10 am

Motek brings up a good point.

This is an issue I have had to grapple with as well: taking personal responsibility for how I am treated by guests-- and my feelings of resentment for inconsideration.

After many years feeling put out-- and a lot of soul-searching, in conjunction with reviewing halachos of Hachnasas orchim, I have concluded:

1) I never turn people away from my home on Shabbos, even if they come unannounced.

2) I try my best to greet them cheerfully.

3) If they show up two hours after the meal, they may have to make kiddush on matzah instead of challah. Under those circumstances, I get to say in my most apologetic voice, "I wish I had known you were coming/you got here sooner. What a shame there is no challah left."

Halachah requires me to greet them graciously and make sure they are not hungry. It also considers it perfectly acceptable to cheerfully serve unannounced guests matzah and peanut butter and then leaving them to their own devices while you go take your afternoon shabbos nap.

Large numbers of no-shows can be more upsetting. You may want to prepare more simply if the guests you are expecting are unreliable (buy the veggies but don't cut up the salad; have cans on hand, etc.
If they are all live at one address, you can call them after Shabbos and tell them, "I prepared all this lovely stuff for you and would hate to have to throw it out-- let me send it over." A couple of times at looking at food for 10 in THEIR garbage can will probably do more to raise consciousness than any speech. If they still don't get the hint you can tell them straight out, " I would love to see you. But I know you don't want me to have to throw out food if you change your mind. So if you are not sure you can come, I will make sure to have some chummus and olives in the house- incase you show up- don't worry, no one will go hungry."

Motek

Sun, Sep 03 2006, 6:58 pm

SaraG wrote:

but I think a teen needs to be alowed to be flexible.

And I think that committing by Thursday night is mentchlich and something a teen should be trained in.

As for unexpected guests, I'd like to know what these people were planning on doing for meals. I understand a person who was stranded and needs a place, last minute. If it's not a formal meal but a person has a come-and-go shalosh seudos, buffet style, or a kiddush where no reservations are necessary, fine.

As for promoting a culture in a frum community in which nobody needs to bother saying whether they're showing up or not for a formal meal, I don't see any positives in it.

Tefila

Tue, Oct 03 2006, 1:44 am

Quote:

Halachah requires me to greet them graciously and make sure they are not hungry. It also considers it perfectly acceptable to cheerfully serve unannounced guests matzah and peanut butter and then leaving them to their own devices while you go take your afternoon shabbos nap.

Morningstar now I don't feel so guilty anymore Thanks LOL

Though I havent been guilty of serving matzoh and peanut butter yet...I have bene guilty of leaving them to their own devices after I have serves what we have,
Twisted Evil