Why do abuse victims keep going back?

shlomitsmum

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 3:12 pm

5*Mom wrote:

How about changing the thread title to "why do abuse victims keep going back?" or something along those lines?

That would be great! Very Happy

mynameismom

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 4:42 pm

Quote:

Yes, predators usually do this after carefully grooming their victims into an emotional and psychological dependency on the abuser. And by creating a lot of confusion.

My friends daughter was abused by Weberman. He groomed her and encouraged animosity between her and her mother to isolate her from her parents before he started abusing her. A yound girl in that situation has nowhere to go.

ElTam

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 5:23 pm

The problem is you are thinking about this as an adult. We are talking about children here. They are more easily manipulated, lied to, confused, frightened, etc.

And in this case, you recall that she was forced to go, with thousands paid up front. And that she did refuse to go for some period. He showed up at her house. He had her parents on his side for a period, forcing her to go. Her mother was made to apologize to Weberman after questioning the long car trip. Her father secretly videotaped her at Weberman's direction. Why on earth would she have thought for a second that anyone was going to help her escape?

Abusers are very good at convincing their victims that no one will believe them if they tell the truth. And sadly, they are often right. How many people are still questioning her, even after a guilty verdict and sentencing?

You should be asking where she found the strength to stand up to him after everything she's been through. That's a nes as well.

forever21

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 7:32 pm

When I think about the whole thing the first question that comes to mind is: "how did the mother not notice that something was wrong with her daughter??" I'm going to assume that a girl who was abused would start acting strangely. It went on for 3 yrs until she said something? Or until her mother noticed something was wrong??

PinkFridge

Wed, Jan 23 2013, 7:42 pm

Ima2NYM_LTR wrote:

sequoia wrote:

Because That Is What Abuse Does To People. You lose your agency, you lose your bodily sovereignity, you lose your voice. You lose the ability to say No.

I have been abused. I am posting under my own name to tell you this.

thank you for your bravery

And dovetailing with another thread, that is often one meaning behind the like button.

chani8

Thu, Jan 24 2013, 12:44 pm

mynameismom wrote:

Quote:

Yes, predators usually do this after carefully grooming their victims into an emotional and psychological dependency on the abuser. And by creating a lot of confusion.

My friend's DS was abused, and the perp groomed him this way, also, creating animosity between the boy and his family. My friend told me that the perp had such power over her child, that she thought her son would run away and go live with him.

StrongIma

Thu, Jan 24 2013, 1:13 pm

forever21 wrote:

we're forgetting that the girl was sent for "therapy" only after she had started "acting out" for other reasons. so I'm not sure that she would be acting "stranger". also, basue victims can be just as liable to become overly quiet as to act out - maybe she did and her parents thought the "therapy" was working?

there's so much we don't know about this case, but don't assume that you, as a parent, would "know" the minute s/thing happened to your child.

HindaRochel

Thu, Jan 24 2013, 1:21 pm

I don't think anyone can know why the victim returned to Weberman, one can speculate but never know for certain. Having done so doesn't mean she wasn't a victim, anymore than the woman who keeps returning to her abusive husband. Reasons range from she didn't think anyone would believe her, to self-doubt and confusion, to not knowing how to speak out, to feeling she hadn't the right to break away to a million more reasons each as individual as the person themselves.
If you want to understand the mindset of victims of abuse you need to read a book. I don't think knowing why the girl herself went back in this case is relevant to the case at all.

mille

Sun, Jan 27 2013, 1:17 pm

evie wrote:

Check out this amazing Ted talk.
http://www.ted.com/talks/lesli......html

Haha, I actually was just about to post the same thing! It's an incredible talk.

I think another important consideration is Stockholm syndrome, where a victim develops empathetic feelings towards their attackers as a result of traumatic bonding. This is also often the case with child abuse cases that originate in internet chatrooms, which I've seen has been called "grooming". Sickening, but this often happens.