My neighbor does not respect my privacy

amother

Tue, Aug 06 2013, 2:49 pm

we have a nieghbor who is not a youngster often he will give my children candy even when I tell him no. sometimes it will be right before supper, and I will tell him they are eating supper now, he'll even come up to us in our back yard while the kids are eating supper on the picnic table, disturbing their meal. he'll ask me where I'm going and how dear I did not consult with him first. last week I had work done in my house, the front door was left opened and I find him in my living room, he did not ring the bell or knock on the door. I just feel he is way too comfortable. there is no privacy, if we are in the front of the house he will see us, and come out us. if we are in the back he will see us even though we have a lower gate and he is not right next door, he is a few houses down. I understand that he must be bored and that is why he does this, but wwyd?

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Aug 06 2013, 4:01 pm

Er, he's nuts.

I would put up visual barriers, in spite of the bother and expense, and not be at all friends with him.

Tell your children very clearly not to argue with him, just to not talk to him at all, and to walk or run away, if he insists on talking to them.

Crazy people do not follow rules. You have no idea what they will do.

Upbraiding you for not telling him where you were going is the give-away. This person is not socialized.

If you can't put up something permanent, you may have to rig some visual barrier that comes down, strung between trees. It's just to block sight and social contact.

Don't say one word to anybody why you are doing this, even if quizzed hard. You might be sued for defamation of character by him. No gossip.

Don't tell the children either, and don't discuss it in their hearing. Just tell them not to talk to him, but not why.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Tue, Aug 06 2013, 4:13 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Tue, Aug 06 2013, 4:08 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Er, he's nuts.

I would put up visual barriers, in spite of the bother and expense, and not be at all friends with him.

Tell your children very clearly you do not consider him a family friend.

Is he elderly? If he means well and isn't harmful I wouldn't tell your kids thAt but I would teach them how to be nice.. However I would limit contact of he's innapropriate and not accept candy or if u want take it but be clear you are saving it for after dinner or Shabbos or whenever u want to give it

imasinger

Tue, Aug 06 2013, 4:16 pm

I wonder if Dolly is right -- in other words, maybe there is something for a doctor to look at. Does he appear to have any family you can speak to?

Give your kids strict rules about not accepting his candy. A few times of "my mother won't let me" will cure most people, though all bets are off here.

Keep your doors locked, and just ignore the random demands for information/consultation.

And yeah, a fence if you can afford it. Good fences make good neighbors.

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Aug 06 2013, 4:21 pm

OP does not say he is elderly. She only implies he is middle aged ("no youngster").

The children are getting bigger: they should be instructed not to enter his house if invited.

amother

Tue, Aug 06 2013, 4:44 pm

This sounds too creepy for comfort. Not that he doesn't respect your privacy, but that he's getting close to your kids. If it were me, I would tell the kids absolutely not to have ANYTHING to do with him, and then I would speak to a policeman to see what/if I should worry and how to handle it. Also check your local on-line s-x offenders list and see if he has a record.

shosh

Tue, Aug 06 2013, 4:52 pm

Yes, I would be uneasy too.

I think you should definitely tell your kids to run away from him if he comes anywhere near them. They should come and find you and should never think it's alright to be around him on their own. I don't want to scare you, but some of the horrible stories you hear are about the neighbour who invited the kids indoors to see his new puppy/have some candy, and because he's someone they see a lot, they think that it's ok to be alone with him.

Don't scare your kids, though. Just tell them that Mr. Smith is not someone we hang out with and that if he starts talking to you, come to Mummy straight away and tell me. And if he invites you into his house, you say that you have tell Mummy and come to me immediately.

In terms of him coming to your house, then I think at this stage you have to politely but firmly set boundaries otherwise he's going to drive you potty.

chavs

Tue, Aug 06 2013, 5:16 pm

Why in the world does it matter is he is young, old or elderly. Propriety doesnt stop with ageand you dont need to ppl please just because the person is elderly.

It is inappropriate behavior and I would personally set boundaries both with him and for my kids. Tell them they may not accept sweets from him (if you do not want them) and tell him that you appreciate him giving them sweets but they are not allowed to accept sweets from ppl other then family and could he please respect that. If he tries to give them afterwards and you catch him doing it, tell the kids that the rule is no sweets and tell him no. You can even tell your kids that you will give them a sweet later yourself.
When he comes during dinner time, tell him its not a good time and to please leave. You dont owe him any explanations or excuses so no long explanations. I'd keep it short and to the point.
I agree he doesnt sound normal.

If you are able to grow some tall bushes or trees between your houses or put up high fences I'd definitely do that too.

amother

Tue, Aug 06 2013, 5:35 pm

amother wrote:

Wow - this is exactly what I was thinking!!! This sounds very concerning to me!!! Also trying googling him with different variations of his name and places he's previously lived and see what comes up. Definitely talk to someone like a police officer.

Read your kids the "let's stay safe" book.

And dare I say it - would you consider moving if you find out something bad about him?

lk1234

Wed, Aug 07 2013, 11:47 am

does he have an aid or children or grandchildren who are responsible for him or visit him regularly? Can you talk to them about his behavior and how to best control it?

amother

Wed, Aug 07 2013, 12:00 pm

lk1234 wrote:

does he have an aid or children or grandchildren who are responsible for him or visit him regularly? Can you talk to them about his behavior and how to best control it?

no, he is very active and independent, he does not have an aid. he does not have much family, one child that does not live close to him.