4.5 years old; bright but friendless

amother

Wed, Jun 11 2014, 10:11 am

dd is 4.5 years old and behaviorally pretty normal for her age, but very intelligent. She is verbally communicative beyond her years, with a fantastic memory, and constantly asking thought-provoking questions and follow-up questions. She will throw a tantrum here and there, but usually can keep herself together.

She is extremely emotionally aware (today she told me her heart hurts because her younger sibling said : 'you're not my best friend'. Then she went to the next room, saying "I need to calm down so I don't yell at [siblling] for hurting my feelings".

Her teacher called me last night and told me that DD is probably on a 8 or 9-year-old level intellectually, and on a regular 4 year old level behaviorally/maturity-wise. She said the the other girls in the class are slowly but surely drifting away from DD, they don't want to pal with her anymore. The teacher thinks it is because she is strong-minded and has many ideas what to play, and the other girls can't relate or even sometimes understand the suggestions she presents. they are beginning to remember from day to day that they don't enjoy playing with her, and she often has nobody to play with.

I asked for suggestions how to help her, and the teacher said to set up playdates. I asked if I should enroll her in a social skills group, and the teacher thought it would not help because she has mastered social skills, just she is different which is causing this social divide.

I don't want my precious little daughter to feel lonely and rejected! Anyone experience this or have experience in chinuch and/or psychology and have any suggestions or ideas how to help her?

amother

Wed, Jun 11 2014, 10:45 am

My dd is 3.5 and also very ahead of her age, especially verbally and in terms of ability to play, think of games, etc. We looked for friends who are on a similar level; so far we've only found one, but it has helped her a lot to have someone her age and size who she can really play with and talk to.

We've also found that she does well in mixed-age groups, like on the playground. She's learned to play with younger kids patiently and at things they are able to do and she's thrilled if the slightly older kids include her in things they want to do. We explained a lot that she needs to be patient with the littler kids and the older kids will eventually want to play with kids their age. From this she's learned to adjust herself to her playmates.

Having one friend who is like her and also developing experience playing at different levels with different kids have both taken the pressure off and given her enough "range" to deal with kids her age.

The other advice I would give is to make sure your daughter gets lots of special attention from you to do activities that will help her to keep developing -- and challenging herself -- you don't want her to be limited or feel she shouldn't develop her special gifts.

Good luck!

5*Mom

Wed, Jun 11 2014, 10:48 am

amother wrote:

All of this. Excellent.

Zehava

Wed, Jun 11 2014, 10:56 am

Omg you're describing me!!! I could cry. I remember myself at an early age looking around at other kids playing and wondering why I don't have friends. It's a lonely experience, being ahead of your peers intellectually, one that followed me into my teens until I reached adulthood and was thrilled to discover that (some) people were finally able to relate to me.
Please be there for your daughter in every way.
From my own experience I can tell you please not to make a big deal out of her brilliance, especially in front of others. I know it's really cute and hard to resist but all your daughter wants is to feel normal. She doesn't want to be labeled as the brilliant prodigy for the rest of her childhood. She wants to hear that she is nice, kind, and caring. Above all she needs to know that she is good.

amother

Wed, Jun 11 2014, 12:07 pm

thank you for your responses!!

I will make sure to be there for her, and will continue to focus on stressing her goodness and kindness. (I never tell her she is smart, but others do all of the time...

she has one very good friend and two others from our block, who come over to our house often. all boys, all sweet passive types who basically just follow her lead. she doesn't seem to realize what's going on in school, but the teacher said it has been gradual so maybe she will start to notice if it gets more pronounced, cv"s.

do you think it is unhealthy to have her playing with these friends too much because it is strengthening h er dominating personality? should I be seeking older friends for her that will be more balanced relationships?

Zehava

Wed, Jun 11 2014, 12:55 pm

I don't know about the dominating part. Maybe I was dominating at that age (I doubt it). If I was I certainly didn't see myself that way. I can't see what's so bad about letting her play with them though if nobody is getting hurt.
As for older friends, all my childhood I always ran after the older kids. At this age, they sometimes let me play with them and sometimes not. I tried my luck. If you can get her some older friends who will be nice and caring towards her that would be great.
Also, I think it pays to get her evaluated if her social skills are up to par. I know mine probably wouldn't which exacerbated the problem.

amother

Wed, Jun 11 2014, 1:28 pm

Amother from above here again. I agree that you should not make a big deal about her intelligence. Encourage her to be, and praise her for being, a good girl. This allows her to develop her social skills -- sharing, taking turns, helping, being aware of others' feelings, having patience, letting others lead -- and see herself as special because of who she is, not an unusual ability she has. At the same time, if you can do things to help her develop her intelligence, she should ideally be able to use that gift as part of her "good girl" set of skills/attitudes and identity.

Zehava

Wed, Jun 11 2014, 1:36 pm

amother wrote:

zehava, want to be my daughters mentor? Smile

j/k, I don't think thats what we need, but thanks for all of your support!

how do I get her evaluated?
who do I go to for this?

Well at 4.5 all she needs is her mommy!!! And some help with social skills if she needs it.
I was thinking of helping teens with similar issues but A. I'm an introvert and don't really know how to go about it or even if id be any good. B. I'm thinking I might need to wait Til I'm a little older.

I always see ads for social skills therapy, social skills groups etc. some schools have their own resources. Talk to your daughters principal and take it from there.

sunny90

Wed, Jun 11 2014, 1:47 pm

Zehava wrote:

Now I feel like you're describing me! I'm the oldest in my family, skipped a grade and always felt kind of out of sync emotionally and socially with the rest of the girls in my grade (like something was "wrong" with me), didn't have close friends til I was in 5th grade, and then it was the same three friends until high school when I moved to Israel and somehow was able to "click" with the girls in my class and BH these days have a lot of friends!
What scares me is I see some of the same behaviors in my oldest son, and I don't want him to feel the same way as me!
No real advice because I don't know how the issue should have been dealt with, just hugs from someone who's been in your daughter's place and now is worrying about it as a mom.

amother

Wed, Jun 11 2014, 1:49 pm

amother wrote:

I absolutely agree with all of this. I have a sister who sounds just like this, and once she had a friend or two who were on her level, she was happy. Now that she's an adult she naturally gravitates toward that and is able to find her niche, but as a child with limited social exposure it can be tough. You might even consider switching schools if you think her options would be better elsewhere.

Zehava

Wed, Jun 11 2014, 2:22 pm

sunny90 wrote:

Funny that you say that. My best friend in high school, the only one my age, was a girl who was originally Israeli. For some reason I think Israeli kids mature at a younger age.

CP123

Wed, Jun 11 2014, 5:12 pm

Your daughter sounds just like a friend of mine growing up (girl A). We met when we were around 4-5. She was very intelligent, very verbal, somewhat precocious, imaginative, and very friendly. She was also a natural leader and quite bossy.

I am betting your daughter is also naturally a leader and may be a bit bossy without even realizing that she's bossing people around. This type of leadership personality is a natural extension of her intelligence, imagination, and socialness, and can be a great asset in life. But as a kid, it is hard to keep friends when you are always the leader - try to help her understand that sometimes it's helpful to follow what other kids are doing even if she has different/better idea. This is a hard skill to learn for a precocious 4 year old! But it is invaluable. Also make sure she has activities or social times when she can let her leadership qualities shine through to balance it out.

I also want to say, that I was friends with 'girl A' even though she was bossy. We were actually a great match - both very intelligent and very imaginative. I had a pretty passive personality, so I let her lead a lot of the time. It was sometimes hard for me that she was bossy, but we both learned to navigate our personalities - she learned when to hold back and I learned when to stand up for myself. We both turned out great Smile

It sounds like your daughter will turn out great, and just needs a bit of direction to help channel her natural leadership qualities and how to use them appropriately in her social landscape.

Miri1

Wed, Jun 11 2014, 6:18 pm

amother wrote:

Perhaps there is more to explore. The teacher state that she has already develped social skills, but social skills also involve listening out for the interests of the other kids, or compromising during the game. Don't discount the value of a good social skills group. The question is finding one...
The teacher may not be aware of the subtleties involved in attaining social skills. I'm impressed that she called to talk to you about it though. Not all parents hear about it until much later - you have time on your side to help your daughter, and it sounds like she expresses her emotions gracefully, is highly intelligent, and will probably adapt well with the right help.

Hatzlachah!!