Overweight and a snitcher

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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malky800

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 11:35 am

My daughter is very overweight. It is partially genetic from my husband side.
He , his mother, sisters all are fat.
So when my daughter at 7 starting hitting the 90 percentile for weight we went to drs.
First we ruled out anything endocrinology.
Then we went to a nutritionist who helped us as parents make meal plans and appropriate calories,etc.
She was always happy to follow the menu and prepared her snacks according. Otherwise, we don't have a large selection of fatty stuff in the house. No chips and we make cookies with splenda. Candy only on shabbos. Etc. It's a family thing we all work on.
We never told her outright, you are fat and that's why we do this. It's more like healthy, so you don't develop things like diabetes or cholesterol like other members.
The problem is like this. She was always a snitcher. I would find food in her bed. Wrappers. Etc. We would talk about it.
I keep telling her, if you are hungry, come to the kitchen and I'll find something for you to eat. You shouldn't hide it in your bed. It's not like she would take cookies, I would find half eaten containers of Mandels. or a bag of chocolate chips empty. Last night it was 15 slices of cheese missing. Where did it go?
In the meantime her weight is just rising and rising.
we tried resuming sessions with the nutristionist and after a few sessions I told her it's no point. She keeps a food diary but she of course doesn't write down all the stuff she takes without permission, so we aren't getting anywhere.
At quiet times we talk and talk. She doesn't say, I am starving or feel deprived. It sounds more like, it was there and I couldn't resist. So I tell her, if you want mandels, take a handful. You see the chocolate chips, take a few. DON"T TAKE THE WHOLE BAG.
Generally, our way of dealing with it, if she took cheese, then the next few days instead of taking cheese for lunch, I tell her, you already took 5 slices, so the next lunch you can't have cheese because you took already.
Or with mandels, you won't have this friday night, becuase you already had your share.
Now my husband sat down with me last night and said, he is giving up. Obviously , punishing her isn't having the desired response. He wants to just tell her, she's almost 10 and she has to take her own responsibilty. If she is going to eat, she wont' fit into her clothes and will look bad. He is hoping leaving it to her, might make her respond better.
I'm not sure, how can I expect a 10 year old to take responsibilty, when it seems (at least to me), that she doesn't care at this point that she is fat.
I am looking for serious advice on how to deal with this. Not just sympathy.
Anyone successfully dealt with a kid like this, or remember what it was like when their mother did .... as an overweight kid.

vintagebknyc

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 11:46 am

malky800 wrote:

((hugs))
your daughter sounds like an over-eater, which is psychological and an eating disorder. I know this sounds crazy, that your ten-year-old could have this kind of illness, but she's showing all the signs. this doesn't sound like she's just a kid stealing some candy.

you need to do some research on this, find a specialist who works with children who overeat, and go from there. you cannot fix this alone, and you need to see that she's not being a difficult kid. she's being a kid who cannot help herself.

vintagebknyc

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 11:48 am

also, the nutritionist you've seen should have spotted this. that concerns me.

momX4

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 11:51 am

Can you put a lock on your pantry?

Keep a platter in the fridge of cut up vegetables and tell her she can snack on that. Is your DC eating because of boredom?

What about her exercise. She needs to do 30 minutes of cardio daily. Bike ridding, rollerblading, treadmill, dance class is all great.

My DS is overweight. He knows how much and what snacks he is allowed to eat. We have a freezer in the playroom and I have noticed that he helped himself to cake/cupcakes. The freezer is now locked. My pediatrician told me I can allow him to eat endless amount of vegetables, but DS only eats lettuce and cucumbers. BH my DS's BMI got better, but far from ideal.

My DS did once eat a bag of snack without permission, one that we save for him as a shabbos treat because of the calorie count. I had him burn some calories off by running on the treadmill. He agreed it wasnt worth it. Can you make your DC realize how much she is eating?

malky800

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 11:54 am

She does everything else right. During daylights hours, she measures her food and takes the right amount of snacks.
She takes salad when she's hungry.
She exercises on the treadmill almost every night, (or something else).
I have 1 pantry locked. It is stuffed now with the shabbos nosh, and now I have to put my mandels, and chocolate chips and , and.
I can't put my whole life in there!

vintagebknyc

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 12:01 pm

malky800 wrote:

malky, please read what you're writing. you're locking your pantry, she's totally complying when she's in front of you but sneaking food when you're not. she's old enough to figure out how to find food no matter how much you hide it.

your lovely daughter has a problem, and it's not about hunger.

deena19k

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 12:01 pm

Don't have junk in the house. For neccessary shabbos treats, go buy it on friday. It's unfair to have it in the house if you don't want her to eat it. Even soup croutons. Don't buy it at all. Soup is good enough without croutons. I don't think it's fair to expect a10 year old to have enough self control if it's sitting right there in the pantry. I'm an adult and I don't buy these things, because I know if it's in the house, then I'll eat it.

Last edited by deena19k on Wed, Oct 01 2014, 12:03 pm; edited 1 time in total

malky800

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 12:02 pm

She is the one who asks me to hide the stuff. She admits she can't control herself.
Is there no way to teach her to take 5 chococlate chips and not the whole bag?

out-of-towner

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 12:06 pm

malky800 wrote:

She is the one who asks me to hide the stuff. She admits she can't control herself.
Is there no way to teach her to take 5 chococlate chips and not the whole bag?

Nope! Sorry to tell you, but some people just cannot control themselves. Better to not have it at all or have portion control (100 calorie type) packs.

amother

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 12:23 pm

out-of-towner wrote:

Nope! Sorry to tell you, but some people just cannot control themselves. Better to not have it at all or have portion control (100 calorie type) packs.

I can eat ten of those 100 calorie packs. There are no snacks in our house--not cookies, crackers, dry cereal, string cheese. Even hummus. I will eat the whole thing. This is the only way I am able to keep my weight in a good place. But I'm middle aged, and it's taken years to learn this.

malky800

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 12:24 pm

So what can I say to try to teach this to my daughter at 10?

amother

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 12:50 pm

Id take the kid to weight watchers meetings. Yes go with her, and sit with her thru the lecture. Thats what I did. Youd be surprised how many kids are there! Worked wonders!

amother

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 12:56 pm

I'm one of those people who can't stop eating once they start.

Buy your daughter some sugar-free gum and sucking candies. Let her keep them in her room. Sometimes it helps just to keep your mouth busy.

Emotional

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 1:05 pm

malky800 wrote:

So what can I say to try to teach this to my daughter at 10?

Trust me she knows very well. There is no need to "teach" her. The more she is "taught" the less effective it will be.
I think you need to stop bringing these temptations into the house. Period. She is probably doing this, perhaps subconsciously, to prove that she wants more freedom. Are there ways you can make her feel special? That have nothing to do with food?

vintagebknyc

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 1:12 pm

malky800 wrote:

She is the one who asks me to hide the stuff. She admits she can't control herself.
Is there no way to teach her to take 5 chococlate chips and not the whole bag?

malky, I believe you need to find her some help.

if you know me at all from this site, you'll know that I rarely scream out diagnoses and suggest therapy. people think I'm a bit outspoken and incendiary, but I don't rush to judgement where mental health is concerned.

you've not addressed my posts toward you, maybe because what I'm telling you is scary/overwhelming. I am not meaning to be annoying or a know-it-all. I won't post again unless you ask me to, and I'll leave you with this link for children who are overeaters: http://www.oa.org/newcomers/youth-in-oa/

hazlacha.
xx

imasinger

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 2:22 pm

I agree with vintage. Right now, your DD is comforting herself with food.

So, what is upsetting her, besides deprivation? Because this is a bad cycle, and it may just get worse.

My mother put me on a diet at age 12, and the more I was deprived, the more important it was for me to sneak food. I have struggled ever since.

You might want to look at this thread, and read some of the books and blogs it mentions. http://imamother.com/forum/vie.....ating

Help her get a handle on what emotions drive her to eat. Help her eat well and exercise, not because she has to, but because it is fun and feels good. Help her make friends with food and with her body. Help her learn to enjoy all foods, including treats, by noting how they taste and feel, in the moment, and after a little while.

Tea and sugarless gum can be good choices for when you want to sit (or lie down) and nibble and read.

amother

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 2:44 pm

im the same way. I cant have it in the house. if I have chocolate in the house I eat the whole bar. hubs doent get why I cant just eat one piece and control myself. once I start I cant stop.its very hard. keep it out of the house. only fruits veg and healthy snacks.

amother

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 2:54 pm

I want to give my point of you as an over weight child.

I was slightly ober weight. Not huge but bigger tban my friends. I don't think it was a health issue but purely aesthetic.

When I was 9 my parents took me to weight watchers. They scrutinized my plate. Watched how much challa I put in my mouth. But my brothers and sisters could eat what they wanted. Do you know how unfair that sounds to a 10 yr old?! At such a young age to have to be on diet.
It made me feel less of a person, it stumped the growth of my self esteem, something that I still suffer from today. And how do you think I found comfort? Yes, through food! Its counter productive.

Imho the only way to control your childs weight is subtlety. Without saying a word. Just serving healthy food, not having snacks and encouraging exercise for everyone. It is sohurtful to be sidelined because of how you look.

In my case. At a later stage I, on my own, saw a nutritionist and made the decision to lose weight. And I did.

I think putting a 10 yr old on diet only does harm and encourage s eating disorders. To this day I am angry at my parents for how they dealt with it.

I'm sorry if its sounds harsh. Its just my experience.

Blue jay

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 3:14 pm

You are going to hear 2 very different opinions here on this thread.

You cannot be the food police. She knows you are counting, she knows that you do not trust her. I know you love your dd and you want what is best for her, but limiting her intake on food and penalizing her when she has had too much, is giving her reason to rebel. Also why the splenda cookies? Please give her a real cookie and eat it with her at the table and enjoy it together!

Get her involved in activities, sports, dancing hiking, music. Give her outlets to express herself.

Please join the emotional eating forum here so you can learn about how diets never cure compulsive eating.
In the meantime read "Overcoming Overeating" and I believe there is a book by the same authors called "Preventing Childhood Eating Problems...." by Jane R. Hirschmann and Lela Zaphiropoulos.

amother

Wed, Oct 01 2014, 3:20 pm

this thread hurt me to read, OP Sad

you sound like my mother. and she unfortunately did a tremendous amount of emotional damage, and guess what, I'm still fat. so the methods you're using don't even work. just trust me on that one.

please, please listen to the voices of sanity of vintage, imasinger, and queenbee. for the sake of your daughter's heart as much as for her weight.

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