Why do people with IF always compare?

Volunteer

Wed, Nov 19 2014, 7:23 pm

Fox wrote:

This is a particular pet peeve of mine, and it is not limited to the IF issue.

I am disgusted -- yes, I literally feel nauseated -- when I hear someone start a sentence (IRL or online) with, "You can't imagine what it feels like to . . ." or "Just be glad you do/don't have XYZ problem."

While I realize most people don't intend to inflict harm when they make such comments, the sheer ignorance combined with developmentally-delayed middos makes it hard for me to share oxygen on the same planet -- let alone spend time -- with these folks.

First, as one poster already mentioned, none of us has any real clue what problems and challenges have faced others. I find this to be especially true as time goes on. I have many friends and acquaintances who don't know anything about my life prior to a couple of years ago, and this is true for many of us. While I don't go around informing people of their misapprehensions, I often think, "If only you knew what a fool you sound like" when they attempt to explain what they think I don't understand.

Second -- and most importantly, IMHO -- the practice of comparing tzoros in order to encourage yourself is the spiritual equivalent of a wooden puzzle in nursery school. Kids, in particular, need to be trained to recognize their blessings, and that sometimes that includes a sharp reminder to note that not everyone is so blessed.

But an adult who is still relying on this device? Esecially an adult who actually articulates it? Well, frankly, such an individual is a few cards short of a spiritual deck.

Rachmones is not a pizza. If you get two slices, I am not left with the box. Nor is davening a limited resource. We can feel for the woman who desperately wants a child as well as the woman who occasionally wishes she didn't. We can daven for someone who has a life-threatening illness as well as someone who has morning sickness. We can even daven for people who have problems that we consider silly. Hashem wants our tefillos; He doesn't need our input about how deserving we find the object of our prayer.

Fox, you write so many insightful posts. Thank you for sharing this one.

luppamom

Thu, Nov 20 2014, 4:15 am

Raisin wrote:

So no one should ask for parenting advice ever? Or how hard it is to look after triplets? Or how to polish their silver candlesticks? his site would close down.

That's true. I was just pointing out that it's insensitive to complain about a pure blessing (a loving husband, healthy children, etc.) and yes, everything is a blessing, but most ppl don't see it that way. You are talking about ramifications of the blessing I.e. kids are hard... I don't think these normal day-to-day problems hurt ppl's feelings as much.
But, I do think that the bottom line is that we can't have 500 forums... like don't read this section if you are a poor, don't read this section if you are widow, don't read this section if you don't have good shalom bayis, don't read this section if you have iF, don't read this section if you're divorced, don't read this section if you are a troll etc. I think each person needs to censor the site for themselves. I personally don't like to read the Intimacy forum b/c it's usually TMI for me. The same should apply to anyone else that knows that a thread is going to be salt in their wounds.

morah

Thu, Nov 20 2014, 4:32 am

luppamom wrote:

Yeah, at the end of the day, think before you click! I mean, OK, if someone write "has anyone felt this way", and its not in an obvious forum, you are taking a risk, but if its obvious what the thread is about, than think if you can really handle discussing it. OK, that title didn't specifically mention pregnancy, but come on, what do people think was the reason for " missing out", that she didn't have a honeymoon in Venice? I knew what she was going to say before I clicked on it.

Fox

Thu, Nov 20 2014, 11:24 am

morah wrote:

Yeah, at the end of the day, think before you click!

I think it's also important to remember that Imamother as well as real-life is not made up of a static set of victims and bullies. All of us will play both roles at one time or another, and midda keneged midda is the derech teveh.

Likewise, we all have been in the position of responding without knowing the full facts or extenuating circumstances. Or just without thinking.

No one is immune. Even someone who has experienced IF, suffered a life-threatening illness, or dealt with some other life-altering circumstance is not immune from an occasional outbreak of foot-in-mouth disease.