What do you think of my first blog post ever?

amother

Sun, Dec 21 2014, 7:36 am

I have never written anything in my life before. After an online friend's push and motivation I decided to try. This is my first post. What do you think of it?

Dear mom,

This will probably be the most difficult letter I have ever written.

You keep telling me how, at 8 years old I suddenly became the most difficult child. You make a joke out of it and say that I was probably the only child to start puberty that young.

And when you say that, I cringe. I want to scream and cry. I have so many things I want to say to you just then but I can’t. How does a mother not realize that when a child changes so abruptly, there is more at stake than puberty? How does a mother not try to get to the bottom of her child’s behavior?

I remember the day I was s-xually abused as if it happened yesterday. The details are irrelevant now, mom. When I came upstairs 20 minutes after I rang the bell, you asked me where I was but you accepted my explanation. But a warning bell should have gone off in your head when I changed overnight into an angry, confused child.

I still ask myself why I couldn’t confide in you. There must be something wrong in our relationship, I think. I guess some of it had to do with the fact that I was threatened that he would kill me if I told. But still, if our relationship would have been a better one, I believe I would have told. That part, probably.

The other thing I could not tell you and can never tell you is that your husband betrayed me. He betrayed a sacred trust between a father and a child. He did the unthinkable. And you were painfully oblivious. And for that, I’m not sure I can ever forgive you.

If there is one good thing that came out of all these horrible things is the relationship I built with my children. My son went through something similar and my proudest and most painful moment in my parenting career came when he told me what happened. At least he had the opportunity to go for therapy and try to heal so that it should not affect his life as much as the abuse has and still does affect mine.

Your daughter.

Although this letter will never be sent, it’s my hope that by writing this out, I can heal just a little bit more.