Family First Fiction Story

mha3484

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 10:24 am

Am I the only one who really doesn't like stories like this? I know fiction is fake but I feel like reading stories like this just makes people not want to take help or distrust anyone who tries to all the sudden act super friendly.

And this comes from someone who has had some big life challenges over the years, not as severe as this but I had meddling in my personal life that left me feeling horrible. So maybe I am overly sensitive but Id be curious to hear what others think.

mha3484

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 1:50 pm

I think you have to find a way to help a person in a way that preserves their dignity. No one wants to feel like a the neighborhood chesed case. After a certain series of life events where I had to take a lot of help in a very public way, it took my self esteem a long time to recover and I still have some lingering issues. Be a real friend without ulterior motives. Ill give two examples:

I have certain people in my life who I know don't see me as an equal. They feel good about themselves telling me how to run my life and I have taken long breaks where I don't talk to them. One I completely stopped talkig to and another I take long breaks from.

On the other hand, an older woman I know is the dorm mother of a mesivta and she will call me when she has way too much food that was still sealed and she tells me she loves to feed boys and she hopes my oldest son appreciates it.

Which way feels better to get help.

amother

NeonBlue

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 1:56 pm

amother Dill wrote:

I was waiting for someone to mention something about this story. Seems like it would scare people off from helping out in similar circumstances. What was the cousin supposed to do? She seemed like she was a lifeline for the neglected kids. There was a misunderstanding but she never betrayed trust.

She lied by omission by being the martyr and taking the blame for arranging the suppers. She also hypocritically got upset when the dysfunctional mom (toby?) didn't tell her that she was getting suppers. Hello? If you get upset by her omission, how would you expect toby to feel about yours which is far far worse?

Also, why would it have been such a big deal to tell the other cousin (dina?) "You know, I've gotten pretty close to toby and I know she's going through a hard time right now. I've been helping her as a friend. Plus my kids love having her girls over. I don't think it's a good idea to send suppers anonymously, but if you do, please leave me out of it. At this point I'm too close to her. It would be awkward. "

And then when toby figured it out, why the secrecy and lies just to protect dina? It is obviously more hurtful and unkind to allow toby to think that her friend betrayed her than to think that dina is the one who arranged the suppers.

Dumb story with characters doing dumb things just to move the plot along.

mha3484

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 2:02 pm

My main complaint, is that I don't like things that encourage us to be distrustful of others. I don't think everything needs to be said out loud or written about. For the first time ever I sent a DM to MKY after they published a letter from a middle school telling the girls to send MM to someone that normally wont get any. So yay the girl who saw that on her parents phone now knows she only got one because the school told her classmates to send her one. Not because they actually like her.

amother

Dill

Thu, Apr 25 2024, 6:49 pm

amother NeonBlue wrote:

I agree with this perspective. The whole story made me feel bad for the one trying to help- but she should have communicated without giving details like you said.

brbs

Sun, Apr 28 2024, 6:21 am

This story made me sick for totally different reasons…

For many years my husband and I were licensed foster parents and we cared for several children removed from extremely dis functional homes. These kids had severe issues stemming times that from well meaning community members tried to fill gaps left by their parents…. These kids would have had a much better shot at a healthier life If only the state had been called in earlier.

My rule is this:

Is the home distinction temporary?
If so then the community should step in to help.

Are the parents able to steer the ship and say where they need help? Carpool, cleaning, meals etc…. Then great step in and help them out

But if there is so much distinction that the parents don’t even know where to start asking for help and there is no expectation of this ever getting better then please call in someone to remove the kids. You have no idea the last and permanent damage caused to children raised with severe neglect.

In our case 4 of our foster kids were returned to a father who clearly could not manage. There was a family member who said he would move in and help raise the kids but he was often out of town and not around. One day just over a year ago dad set the dryer in a way that shouldn’t be used and set the house on fire killing himself and all 4 kids. We were the ones called by the police to come down and identify their bodies.

So please think twice it’s not always a chessed.

gilamom

Thu, May 02 2024, 12:20 am

This story made me angry-her husband finally admitted she'd had some sort of mental breakdown four years ago. They have a 3 year old and a newborn besides the older kids, why not treat the mother who already has kids to deal with before having more??
Also, the martyr/cousin had way too much on her plate and then resented the other cousin stepping in to make a meal train. If you're really looking out for Toby's best interests then it's not a contest of who's the better hero, they should've been open with each other and shared the burden.

amother

Jetblack

Thu, May 02 2024, 8:04 am

It was a weird story in so many ways.

IRL one of the hardest things about helping dysfunctional relatives is NOT taking over. You want to take the kids and keep them and give them everything they’re missing. But in reality you need to accept doing one or two things, knowing you can’t fix the entire problem but you could do a small part to help.

I’m not talking about dysfunction to the level of calling in state help.

amother

Stone

Thu, May 02 2024, 9:45 am

brbs wrote:

That was such a tragic story. I remember not being able to understand what happened. I didn’t think I’d ever hear from someone who was involved. I’m so sorry for your terrible loss. I can understand why this thread is so painful for you to read.
I appreciate your input as someone who knows what this is about. It’s a problem when people put themselves into situations they’re not equipped to deal with. I think your rule of figuring out if it’s a temporary problem or something that won’t go away is a good one.

dena613

Thu, May 02 2024, 10:41 am

amother Stone wrote:

Same here.

What a tragic story.

Must have been incredibly painful for you, brbs