Giving in to a defiant child

gryp

Sun, Feb 27 2011, 8:45 am

I'm wondering if it is common for defiant children to be early-talkers. My 4 yr old son was speaking full sentences at 15 months.

momof2sofar

Sun, Feb 27 2011, 8:53 am

My ds started taliking at 10 months and was speaking full sentences by a year. But I don't think there is any correlation between defiant children and early talkers.

gryp

Sun, Feb 27 2011, 11:10 am

Well, I meant more the type of defiant child who has the answers as to how to do things his way. Not just defiant children.

granolamom

Sun, Feb 27 2011, 11:33 am

amother wrote:

dont want to throw another label at you, but the part about making up in her mind that you will give her something so now it is ok to stop the tantrum and go to school sounds like OCD. basically there are "reasons" why someone with OCD NEEEEEDS something done a certain way, and when its not done according to the way they need it causes them to freak out. then the only way to get past it is if they create a new "rule" that it is ok to do x if they do y. so if in her mind she convinces herself that now it is ok bec u will give her something its like she is now allowing her first "rule" that was broken (wanting to do something at home in the example u gave) to be overrided by her new "rule"(that it's ok to not finish so long as you will be giving her 2 treats) also this could explain why she would have tantrums for things. there might be reasons why to her she "CAN'T" listen to what you watn her to do, when someone has OCD they will have a fear on not doing/doing whatever is against what the OCD is telling them to do. (OCD is not just about handwashing and being neat!) I could be waaaay off here but just something to look out for.

OP, really, read the explosive child
instead of jumping to labels (and yes, some of the described behaviors sound OCD-ish but that is far from diagnostic) think of it this way....some kids are very inflexible and have very low frustration tolerance.
instead of normal good parenting (and you do sound like a normal good mother) seeing everything through that lens might help.
so it becomes an opportunity to help your child learn the art of compromise. the trick is learning to read her pre-explosive signs to you can get in there before its too late. of course, it is inevitable that you will sometimes miss that opportunity in which case the goal is to put out the fire. even if it appears to be giving in. 'not giving in to tantrums' is great parenting advice. unfortunately, some kids need different kinds of parenting. it may look to others that you are 'giving in' but in my experience, the payoff was tremendous. my dd DID learn and IS learning to be more flexible and more tolerant and I no longer care what others think of my parenting. it is working for my kids and that is what counts.
read the book, but dont leave it lying around if you have older kids, there is some 'bad language' in there (as examples of what some older ODD kids say to their parents)

granolamom

Sun, Feb 27 2011, 11:36 am

amother wrote:

I also want to add that she is a fantastic problem solver.
I will tell her we cant do what you want to because of X,Y and Z reasons, which are seemingly impossible to change.
and she will come up with a solution that takes into consideration X,Y and Z and still meets her wishes!
I cant possibly refuse her wishes when all conditions have been met!
and I think this is why she argues back with me, she knows (and she's right!) that if I would share with her all my considerations and conditions she can find a way to work around it, and come up with something workable. She surprises me with her creativity and problem solving skills.

this is a tremendous skill
it will keep you on your toes, but in the long term, will serve her well

try saying no only when you have to and I bet in a relatively short period of time she will accept the 'no' more readily

Chanel

Sat, Jan 10 2015, 8:48 pm

I know this is an old thread, but I would love to hear more about ODD and these high strung kids. I'm struggling with my dc age11. Dc is really unhappy, can't get along with anyone - terrible social life with peers... Fighting with siblings, parents etc.... You had such good advice out there- granolamom, fox and the others... I would love to hear more how your children are doing. I'm so broken...

Chanel

Sun, Jan 11 2015, 12:52 pm

Bump...??

seeker

Sun, Jan 11 2015, 2:17 pm

You're probably better off starting a new thread. Sorry I have no better advice to offer...