Are we the hated company?

amother

Sienna

Thu, Mar 17 2016, 7:32 pm

New amother here
Merry mom I am shocked by your attitude to pregnant women. You are able to push yourself? Thats a level not all of us can reach during pregnancy. You hosted? You made pesach? And your friends did to? Wow!
I would like you to know that in early pregnancy I am so exhausted I sleep all day and night. I am not cooking or cleaning or hosting for pesach or purim or shabbos. Absolutely not. Maybe only a tiny percentage out there are like me, I dont know, but I cant believe the way you judge her. Im not super nausious or doing visits to ER BH, just super tired.
Although I could manage to bring a few things to and from the table, not necessarily right after a seder though, but maybe by the other meals.

amother

White

Thu, Mar 17 2016, 9:17 pm

I'm pg too and due right after Pesach. Not gonna detail my symptoms but lets just say, the way I'm feeling now, I'd shock myself if I even make it to the end of a Seder with my eyes open! Plan on conking out when I need to. And I'm sure my hosts will understand. I've been to many sedarim with pg or pp guests who were ttly excused whenever they needed to be and no one blinked. Obv, I will help as much as I can with wtvrs needed throughout yt, but come on! A Seder is exhausting for everyone, and a thousand times more so for most pg and pp women.(except all you super amazing imothers who don't get OP's question and are bouncing with vitality till the baby pops)
We do wat we can but please be understanding!

The Happy Wife

Thu, Mar 17 2016, 9:44 pm

Merrymom wrote:

No, I didn't forget, and considering I get on average 5.5 hours of sleep every night, I would be horrified if I had a dil with this attitude. Even if I slept the day away, there's no kind of excuse for this behavior. You push yourself and have manners, in other words act like a mentsch. We all can come up with a reason why we can't clean I'm sure and being exhausted in not an excuse. Once you're married people need to act like adults, not pampered teenagers.

I totally agree. Why should we cut pregnant women any breaks when we are tired, too. I was one on the train and saw a pregnant lady who looked like she really wanted to sit down, but all the seats were full, and I thought "what chutzpah! Suck it up, pregnant lady! She should just push herself to stand. I'm tired, too."

Seriously, if you see a pregnant woman sitting instead of helping, give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she would help if she could. Or anyone, for that matter. Not everyone who is sick or in pain is going to announce it. If people aren't up to hosting guests and all the extra work that entails, maybe don't host.

And yes, I do try to help when I'm a guest. But when I invite guests I don't have expectations that they get to work. My only expectation is that they don't trash my house.

Merrymom

Thu, Mar 17 2016, 11:17 pm

The Happy Wife wrote:

I think anyone who sits while a pregnant lady stands was raised in a barn. Now if someone can't make it through a seder clearly they're not going to be around to help. Someone who manages to make it to the end of the meal but is too tired to take a few things off the table has to ask herself why it's ok for an older woman to push herself (I.e. her mother or mil) but not ok for her to push herself.

Simple1

Fri, Mar 18 2016, 8:47 am

No one here is taking into consideration the health and energy levels of the mil. I know mils can range from younger to older, and some older women really retain their energy levels. But others might have less energy, burnout, or other health issues that you're not aware of.

What's the big deal to take a few things off a table compared to the work of overall hoating?

Chayalle

Fri, Mar 18 2016, 9:26 am

Merrymom wrote:

LOL. I remember when I was in Maalot E"Y, one of my married classmates, in the advanced stages of pg, was telling us how mortified she was coming on the bus that day, when this like 90 year old man got up and insisted she sit. He looked like a feather could knock him over, and she was the picture of good health AND pg.

I'm totally into being supportive of the needs of pg women - I myself have difficult pg's (I wouldn't dream of going on a bus ride while pg, altogether, unless I had to to save my life!) for the full 9 months. However, being pg is not the ONLY condition that makes a woman tired and needing some help. A MIL getting on in the years who put together a Yom Tov with all that entails, might very well be in the same category, strengthwise, as her pg DD/DIL.

I'm actually into communication with my guests about what I can offer, before they come. For the past two Yomim Tovim (Succos and Pesach) I hosted different sisters of mine who were post-partum with babies who did not yet have their Bris. I told them, in advance, what I would need from them to make it work for me, and B"H the Yom Tov went smoothly for all.

Chayalle

Fri, Mar 18 2016, 9:31 am

The Happy Wife wrote:

And yes, I do try to help when I'm a guest. But when I invite guests I don't have expectations that they get to work. My only expectation is that they don't trash my house.

I also expect them to take care of their own kids. Yom Tov is a busy cycle for me of setting table, serving meals, clearing...and just a little time before it starts again. I need my rest during that time, and expect guests to take care of their child-care arrangements during that time unless I offer otherwise.

(By offer otherwise I mean....I sent my sister down to rest whenever she could, since she had given birth 2 days before. If her 2 year old was occupied and getting along with my 7 year old and the baby was fed and calm, I dozed holding that baby on the couch and urged her to rest.)