My 4 yr old son hits, kicks, bites when upset

amother

Bisque

Sun, Jul 03 2016, 2:31 pm

I have a sweet, smart, active, almost four year old son.
When he gets upset, he hits, kicks, bites, and says not nice words. When he is calm and I explain to him how we are supposed to act he understands and says that he won't do it again. I think he really does understand how he should behave, but he has difficulty tolerating frustration and regulating his emotions.
For example, when someone knocks on the door and he wanted to open the door but someone else opens the door before him, he has a temper tantrum.
Does anyone have any ideas and any books I can read on the subject?
Thanks

amother

Taupe

Sun, Jul 03 2016, 8:11 pm

My (formerly abused) child is like this, and he is 5. His therapist recommends telling the kid (NOT during the tantrum), "you are having a big feeling. It is called frustration/anger/disappointment/sadness etc. Everyone has these feelings sometimes. Sometimes when I feel that way, I feel like this___and do this___. If your first reaction is to hit and be angry and scream, that just means that you are having a normal feeling. The problem is that it hurts me when you hit me! I know you don't want to hit me because you love me. Imagine if a mommy would hit a kid! That would be crazy, and so not ok! Even when you are having such a big feeling, you need to learn how to be angry in a way that isn't hitting." You can then suggest a few things--hitting a pillow, drinking chocolate milk in his bed, sitting on your lap and having a tight hug (that is my child's favorite these days), counting as high as he can, playing harmonica or blowing bubbles....The idea is to get him to get to a place where he can take off the edge of the anger until he can get to the point of being able to communicate with words. The more you talk about the feelings that will evidently come up and practice beforehand, the better. During the trantrum, there isn't much you can do, but you SHOULD let him know if he is hurting you. You can say, "OW, that hurts! It is not ok to hit in his house. I see you are having a very strong feeling!"

Reassure you child that he is a good person, you love him, and even when he hits and screams, you still love him. You know that he made a mistake and is still learning how to be angry without hitting. Normalize it as much as possible, but encourage him to see that his actions are not ok and that he should want to learn to be nice. Do not make him feel overly-shameful or guilty. Rather, let him know that you are calm and have mastered the art of self control and are going to calmly help him do that as well.

tryinghard

Sun, Jul 03 2016, 9:28 pm

When my 4 yo DS starts screaming, I try to calmly point out that that is not the way to speak, and that I can listen better if he can say it differently. When he gets physical, I find the most effective solution is to grab him in a tight hug. I get very stern if he hits me or otherwise hurts me, but I just try to keep speaking calmly otherwise. He used to be much worse, but consistently talking him down off the ledge of crazy seems to be (finally, after a good 6 months Rolling Eyes

) starting to work, as the tantrums are lessening in severity and frequency. Good Luck!