Sometimes I hate my son

amother

Pumpkin

Wed, Sep 14 2016, 4:18 pm

I was a kid with issues. I was much less violent than your son, but displayed a lot of similar behaviors. I have ADHD, SPD, OCD, on and off depression, and an anxiety disorder - to put it mildly, I was a wreck as a kid. But, after many many years of therapy, and a short stint on medication during childhood, I learned to manage my emotions and behavior, and I am a normal adult now with a normal life, graduate education, job, family, and friends. I don't even meet the criteria for almost all of the above disorders (except anxiety, but one out of five is totally manageable). So I know your son must be the last thing you want to deal with, but I want you to know that he can improve and become just a really great person almost all the time (we all have our moments).

Most importantly, your child's problems are not your fault. But, you are the only one who can make his problems better by getting him and yourself the proper help.

Here's some advice from someone who's been on the other end, all just my own opinions:
- Your son should be in therapy with a competent psychologist with relevant experience on a weekly basis. Your son is suffering and he needs help dealing with it. This is really critical - I would not have been okay without this.
- Your son should be getting regular OT, every week. My SPD was not dealt with early enough and it has really affected my life way more than it needed to.
- Your son should be evaluated by a neurologist every year until he is 9 or 10. Do you know how many times I had to be evaluated for ADHD before they made a diagnosis? And believe me, I was almost a textbook case and it still took them a while.
- If offered by a professional, your son should take medication. It doesn't have to be forever, I only took for 2 or 3 years and it was enough
- You and your husband need to see a professional (trained in this) who can guide you on how to handle your difficult son. Even though you are doing so many right things, there are always more tools you can learn to handle your son better! Professional guidance for parents is one of the most helpful things. The child development center where my daughter gets PT and OT has all sorts of different support groups for parents of kids with a variety of problems. This is great, because we are given skills, tools, and techniques, for handling a difficult child, from a professional who we can consult with on our own actual situations (rather than just reading a book which doesn't take your specific kid or his specific behavior into account). Also, having other parents who can totally relate to what you are going through as a parent is really helpful for you. Alternatively, one-on-one with a professional who can help guide you in how to handle your son even better is invaluable for both you as parents and for your son, and is also a great way to get professional help. Either way, this is something you and your husband should do on a regular basis - even if it's just a 15 minute weekly phone call with a professional. Also, having you and yoru husband do it together really helps both of you be on the same page in the tools you use to manage your son's problems, which will really help your son be more responsive because of the consistency across the board.
- You should go see a competent psychologist yourself. Because even though you are doing everything right, your son still has his own problems and his problems make him not manageable and that takes it's toll on you especially as time goes on. Having a kid with problems really affects a parent, and you need to take care of yourself too, and this is a situation in which having someone professional to talk to could really help you feel better about the situation and manage your own outlook on it in a way that is less draining and straining for you. I also want to tell you that it's okay if you feel like you hate your son, but you can't go on that way. I hate to break it to you, but if you hate your kid, he will know. I knew, even from a young age, that my mother didn't know how to handle me or my problems and neither did I and that it was breaking her, and I also felt like I was unloveable. It made my own problems and my relationship with her horrendous. And guess what? I ended up hating her back for a while. There was a long period of time where I even though I didn't hate her anymore, I didn't love her at all. Part of it was because she didn't get me and herself professional help (in the form of all of the above) early enough - she could have helped me and helped herself help me but didn't know how (hence me giving you a list here), but it was her responsibility to help me as a child and no one else's. I felt like she didn't actually take care of all my emotional and psychological needs and I couldn't get past it, even though it obviously wasn't on purpose, the fact is still that she didn't. Thank goodness she went for therapy for herself eventually or we probably wouldn't have any relationship at all, because she learned to deal with herself better (and not hate me or whatever was going through her head), that made her deal with me better and I could tell that how she felt about me changed. I just wish she had gone sooner. The bottom line is, if you take care of yourself, that will also take care of him even better, and will help him improve in the long run.

I wish you lots of good things. Try to focus on how you can get all of yourselves as much as you can to help yourself and things will get better, and so will he. It will take time and hard work from everyone. But it can get better and you'll all be okay.