Sister not coming to DD's Bat Mitzvah

amother

Amber

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 1:41 pm

A few days ago my sister (my only sibling) informed me that she will not be coming to my DD's bat mitzvah this December, as she is due to have her second baby at the end of September. She also said that her DH will not be coming then with their two year old child. The reason she gave is that she doesn't want to fly on the plane during flu season with a young baby. No reason given for her DH not attending.

They live far away and the only way to come is by plane.

I am very upset at this. My DD is going to be crushed. As it is, my DH's family is pretty big and they all come - siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins - they ALL come to EVERY simcha. I only have one sister and I cannot believe that she's decided already that she isn't coming and that she's not sending her DH and DC.

Has anyone else dealt with this before? She's known that she was pregnant since early January and is just now brining this up as in, oh, by the way, we're not coming. In fact, she was out here last month with her family and we had a great time, even talked about the bat mitzvah, and they said nothing about not coming. Nothing bad has happened in our relationship - just suddenly this.

In our family bat mitzvahs are a big, big deal - everyone schleps out just like for a bar mitzvah. She is my only sibling, my DD feels really close to her and her DH and DC. She is going to be so so sad . My mother is no help in this as she won't make the slightest suggestion to my sister about anything. I'm not sure at this point if this is a vent or if I'm asking for advice.

amother

Cyan

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 2:15 pm

amother wrote:

I am sorry. hugs. I also have made many smachot and sibling did not come. It hurts. I try to say to myself that if they really don't want to be there then it is best they don't come and be miserable and make me miserable. Their loss.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 2:24 pm

I'm so sorry; it must really hurt that she's not coming and more so that this seems to be a new, unexpected development.

I remember when I was bas mitzvah my party was pushed off FIVE months in order to accommodate family members who in the end didn't come anyhow. I was hurt and although my parents tried to put a good spin on it, I know they were hurt and annoyed too.

Sounds like you have a good relationship with your sister. Try to trust that there must be a good reason, even if it's one you don't agree with (I.e. flying with new baby in flu season) or even know about. Try to forgive her. I'm sure she doesn't want to hurt you or your daughter.

amother

Amber

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 2:58 pm

OP here. Thanks everyone for your responses.

I am not sure why my sister is being so difficult. If she's really concerned about the baby, then I get that she would stay home, but in our family when one person can't come because of a medical reason or emergency, then the spouse will come with the other kids. So it's really odd to me that she's saying her DH and DC will not be coming either.

I think I'm upset because we'd told everyone months ago that this year we won't come for Thanksgiving to my parents (who live near my sister) because the bat mitzvah will be two weeks away and we will be very busy getting ready. My parents were understanding of this. We have about 80 out of town guests coming, we are hosting Friday night dinner, kiddush luncheon at the shul and dinner on Saturday night, so it's a lot of coordinating. It's like a wedding weekend - full of people and events.

So once my sister said that she's not coming to the bat mitzvah, she said that we all have to come Thanksgiving to see her new baby. So that means that I will be flying across the country in October, iyh, when the new baby is born, then again in November with DH and all the kids.

I think that I'm just feeling like she's dictating terms based on what is good and easy for her and not taking into consideration other people's feelings. I think that DD would understand that her aunt is staying home with the baby, but what's the reason for her uncle and cousin not attending? DD has already planned who gets what aliyah, and her uncle (who had also offered to leyn) was assigned an aliyah. So his absence will very much be noticed.

Also, this same sister planned her wedding (across the country) for 8 weeks after my fourth child was due. When she was planning the date, she had wanted a date 5 weeks after I was due. When I suggested that this was a bit soon, she scoffed and said, "well, you'll just have to deal with it. I can't plan my wedding around your due date." As it turned out, the venue she wanted wasn't available then so the wedding was scheduled for 8 weeks after I was due. We schlepped the baby and all the kids out there with no complaints because it's my sister's wedding and of course we have to be there!

So I guess there is some past history here with my sister and feeling like she's not willing to accommodate others or take them into consideration, but she expects us to come when she calls. She's my only sister and I'm not willing to put my foot down and say no to coming at Thanksgiving. She would be furious - and once you get on her bad side it's nearly impossible to get off. Argh.

Thanks everyone for listening. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this because I don't want to badmouth my sister. I told DH and he's feeling really sad - he's actually pretty close to my sister's DH, so I think he's really surprised that he's not coming.

amother

Mustard

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 3:15 pm

If plans were made and you had already said you would not fly for thanksgiving being that the bat mitzvah is shortly after, I would hold my ground and not go. Her not coming to your simcha does not obligate you to go to her for thanksgiving. You're going in October when she has a baby. You do not need to go again for thanksgiving.

I just missed my brothers wedding that was in another country. My baby was 4 weeks old so I just blamed it on the baby. Truth is, we are struggling financially. No one knows to what extent. It was easier to blame it on being post partum then to tell our financial struggles. I didn't have money for a visa or to renew my passport. How would I have money for a ticket?

amother

Denim

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 3:36 pm

I am really sorry and understand how you feel, and the disappointment. My in-laws just told us last Friday morning that they had planned a cruise which overlaps with the weekend of my son's Bar Mitzvah. Apparently, it was booked a year in advance. The Bar Mitzvah is in 6 months They aren't frum and didn't realize that it would be the week of his birthday, although we told them the date ages ago. (Why they didn't mark it down, I have no idea!) My bil and sil are paying to take them on the cruise, so not only would my in-laws miss the Bar Mitzvah, but my husband's sister's entire family as well. My mil in law told dh he should just change the date of the Bar Mitzvah. My son has learned the the entire parsha, and when dh told her that she said he should just learn another one! shock

MIL is trying to guilt dh that my bil will lose money if they change the date of the cruise. She even told him that we should pay the penalty fee. Sigh. We aren't telling my son just yet, and if they don't come we aren't sure what to say. He will be crushed. My in-laws have only 2 grandsons (both of my sons). My son's is the first Bar Mitzvah. I was really upset all last Shabbos, but then I ran through a guest list through my head, and realize how many amazing people will be there, and I calmed down. Then I also realize how ridiculous my in-laws will look if they aren't there at their grandson's Bar Mitzvah buy on some cruise. So, I've calmed down considerably and will just see how it all plays out over the next 6 months. (Honestly, I was waiting to see what their excuse would be not to be able to come...would never have predicted this would be the reason!)

amother

Gray

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 3:43 pm

I just wanted to pipe in and say hi, I have a huge family (one of 7 siblings), parents alive and well b'h, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc and for my sons barmitzvah (a huge deal) only one sister came in. it was extremely difficult and sad for me but I made a decision not to fall into the blaming and anger ('but you always go to HER simcha' 'if it was your simcha, I would be there...' - even though I could have, easily, b/c its true)
I held onto the disappointment b/c that stemmed from love ("I want my family at my simcha") but had to let go of anything else. it will just pull you down.
fyi, all my dh's side was there - and that only added to my pain and shame - see, THEY all made the effort. whatever. not worth it.
your situation sounds very different though. remember to enjoy the simcha. your daughter only gets one bat mitzvah, its a nice time to teach her about rising about our own anger and doing the right thing/responding in the name of shalom.

tichellady

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 3:54 pm

amother wrote:

Did you tell her that you understand that she doesn't want to fly with a baby but would love if she would consider having her husband and child come? We couldn't make it to my nephews bris and my brother told us that it would mean so much to him if we could try to come. It helped me reevaluate if we could come and in the end we couldn't but I was happy he shared with me how he felt when making the decision because if circumstances had been different I really would have made the effort to come since I knew how he felt

SixOfWands

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 4:00 pm

amother wrote:

Mazel tov on the upcoming simcha, and b'shaa tova to your sister.

I certainly understand your disappointment that your sister and her family will not be able to celebrate your simcha with you.

That said, she's not being unreasonable.

As to not telling you sooner,she only just got through her first trimester. Its not unusual not to tell people, even sisters, that early. Indeed, its very likely that you started planning the bat mitzvah before she became pregnant. It happens. You cannot -- and should not -- change the date of your simcha. But she can't do much about her due date either.

If she's due in late September, her baby may be well under 3 months old at the time of the bat mitzvah. Its daunting to think of traveling with such a small child. Is there an eruv that she holds by, so she could even come to the shul? A place to nurse? A comfortable place for her to stay in walking distance? Add that to all of the usual travel issues, plus flu ... its a lot.

And her husband may well feel that it would be too difficult for him to handle a toddler in the throes of jealousy over the new baby.

Try this: "We're do excited over your news -- b'shaa tova! But its disappointing that you won't be able to make it for the bat mitzvah. The door is open. If you think you can make it, just come. We'll be excited."

Just to add -- no need to go there for Thanksgiving if that's not good for you. Me, I'd go AFTER the bat mitzvah, as a treat for your DD and a break for you after all the hullabaloo.

MiracleMama

Wed, Apr 26 2017, 4:01 pm

OP, I think you're making a huge mistake if you schlep your family back to your hometown for thanksgiving.
Just like your sister is putting herself and her baby's health first, put your family's health and sanity first.
At such a stressful time how can you even consider it? Babies aren't the only ones susceptible to colds and flus from sitting in germy planes, and traveling is stressful anyways. What's going to be if your daughter is sick for her bat mitzvah? Or you?
Please be sensible. It's not about tit for tat or getting back at her. It's just about protecting yourself and not being bullied.
And I think under the circumstances there is nothing wrong with asking your sister why her husband and daughter can't make it.