Having more kids than you feel ready for

amother

Seagreen

Thu, May 25 2017, 7:54 pm

ora_43 wrote:

I think you're looking for a logical answer that doesn't exist.

It's pretty simple - dysfunctional people don't realize they're dysfunctional. Maybe there's a handful of people out there who look at their kids and think, "Wow, I sure am terrible at this parenting thing, I'm barely meeting their basic needs... so, how about another baby?" and have some logical reason for it. But in most cases it's more like, the parents don't even realize that they're only giving their kids a fraction of the care that they need. (Or sometimes, that while they are a good parent, their spouse is a terrible parent.)

In some cases, parents smarten up at some point and realize there's something lacking, but at that point the kids are already born, and there's no choice but to try to cope.

If you're talking about mild dysfunction (/"not handling"), there are a couple other options (both mentioned by previous posters, but bear repeating) -

1. It was easier when the kids were babies. For example, a parent who has lots of physical energy, but not a lot of patience for conversing with kids or tutoring them, might do great with babies and toddlers but struggle when their kids hit the school years.

2. They are dysfunctional in this one particular area, and have decided the dysfunction isn't so harmful that it's worth not having kids over. For example, someone who is highly disorganized and would be even with no kids in the picture. "Taking a break" or having fewer kids won't change the situation; and they might decide that it's not such a bad situation that it'd be better for the kids not to be born.

2 is me. I'm not the most organized person but with cleaning help my house is pretty clean. I have adhd but have excellent coping skills and don't need meds.

My house always looks like it's flying but kids are fed, laundry is done and beds are clean if not made.

I want to have a lot of kids. I have so much love and affection to give them. My husband is very supportive. I love teaching and playing with my young children. Bh.

It would be foolish to have fewer kids when the house won't look any cleaner.

hello3

Fri, May 26 2017, 1:52 am

I have 3 kids going on 4 bh. In my opinion it depends what you call not managing. I have a sil that has 2 kids an 8 year old and a 5 year old. She lives a very lavish lifestyle. Goes on vacation 4 times a year, big house, full time help and all she does is complain how she's not managing. I'm not judging her. But she judges me - your not managing either your house isn't always perfectly clean, your kids are not dressed to the T, you don't give your kids art, music, dance, swimming lessons. (My oldest is 5) I always explain to her that in my eyes all the things that she mentioned are invalid for me when it comes to making a decision if to have another child or not. That is so superficial and temporary. When I think of another pregnancy the things that come up to my head are : am I emotionally stable to do this? Will I be able to function on no sleep? Will my kids be dressed and fed and happy with another sibling? If my house is messy because I have no energy I don't call that not managing. I have full time help and my lady will come tomorrow and take care of it. If I have stressful days I don't call that not managing-everybody has such days even with 1 child or even with none. Do I yell at my kids at times? Yes. But I would also yell at the same things regardless of being pregnant. Am I a perfect mom? No! There's no such thing as perfect. I do my best and that's it. The day I will feel that I damaging my kids by having more is that day that I will stop. It might be sooner, it might be later. I hope that my kids will always be as happy as they are now. Bli ain hara so far they are smoothe and happy children. If that will change my decisions might change with the circumstances. But for now as long as I'm holding where I am, I will continue having as many babies as Hashem sends me.

amother

Goldenrod

Fri, May 26 2017, 8:29 am

I have been following this post for a while. I was raised in a large family. My mother managed somewhat, but not amazingly. I personally think she and we would have benefitted from a bit of space (2-2 1/2 years) between kids. We probably would still have the same size or similar size family, but things would have just been easier.
I would like a large family, but I'm going slowly and taking things as they come. My husband and my comment is that our parents acted like they were in a race to have more children, and yet some burned out and dropped out along the way. I go with the mentality, it's not a race it's a marathon, and I need to consider the long haul.
I do wish more kalla teachers 15 years ago when I got married would have not vilified birth control. It was presented as something you do only if your life was at risk or if you're really really really not managing. I don't know about most people, but the women I know don't want to admit that they may not be managing so they slog through.
Also, nowadays there is such pressure on women in so many areas, and to manage perfectly is one of them. My mother always tries to be helpful and tell me where I could cut corners, but it's not acceptable nowadays. (Not work, not take the kids for their various therapies, have kids help more, just leave the house a mess etc.)
One last point. My husband pointed out to me that many teshuvos written by R' Moshe and others of that generation (70s) were anti birth control because of the severe staining and shaylos that were inevitable. But the options are ever expanding, and now many women are just fine or are willing to be ok. In the 80s when balancing the thought of going on birth control with the nidda shailos, vs just having another one, women chose to have another one. Now, the shailos aren't always inevitable, and even when they are, many women who have the knowledge will choose.
I know I'm rambling a bit, but I feel that more women would go on birth control when they're not managing, if they were made to understand that their marriage won't implode if they have staining issues, their husband won't cheat even if she struggles to get clean, and there usually are choices. You and your husband (and rav) need to choose the best of all the evils.