Going from 1 kid to 2 with a 3.5 year Gap

amother

Smokey

Tue, Jun 06 2017, 6:08 am

I'm so nervous about this transition.
My daughter will be 3.5 when the baby is born.
I work full time, I sometimes work in the evenings too.
I am petrified of losing my life.
I am also just curious what the change will feel like
I'd love to hear other people's experiences.

imasinger

Tue, Jun 06 2017, 6:33 am

This was about the gap between my first and second. In many ways, it was much easier than having two in diapers at once. The older one was thrilled to become a sibling, and old enough to help bring a diaper or push a stroller sometimes. And to understand that sometimes she needed to wait for attention while I dealt with Baby.

Nobody else can predict how the change will feel like for you, but advance planning can help.

Many women work up till the last minute, so as to use maternity leave to be with baby. Arrange the best babysitting you can find. Cut back on evening work until baby is on a reasonable sleep schedule, which may be 4-6 months or longer. You'll possibly be able to handle some, occasionally talking on the phone while nursing (the acronym NAK means "nursing at the keyboard). Get a good pump, and plan on setting up a schedule.

And think of it as an incredible opportunity. Rather than being "petrified at losing your life", you can be overjoyed at gaining a new life. IME, the time spent parenting is, in the long run, more meaningful than time spent on work.

Hatzlacha, and b'sha'ah tovah!

behappy2

Tue, Jun 06 2017, 7:14 am

You lost your life when you got married. Than you lost it again when you had your first. So I think you know what it is like. Every time you take on a commitment you give up a part of yourself. This year I have lost myself in the caring for my children and I am realizing that I need to make a commitment to MYSELF that I will take a certain amount of time out EVERY DAY to nurture myself and remember that I am still me.

Aylat

Tue, Jun 06 2017, 7:26 am

Lost your life? I personally don't identify with that feeling, though my life definitely changed a lot. Rather I feel that I have expanded my self. Parts of me that I was never aware of have developed and flourished. Each new relationship, first husband and then each new child, has enriched me and is still enriching me.

I 1000% (tho my mathematical brain rejects such phrasing I really want to emphasise this) agree and believe that every person, and especially every mother, needs to devote time and emotional resources to developing her sense of self as a person, not just a role (mother, wife etc). This will manifest differently for everyone and there are time periods, like adjusting to a new baby, that make it more difficult, but it's so important to get back to it as soon as you are able.

Debbig

Tue, Jun 06 2017, 8:07 am

My kids are 4 yrs apart. Our life definitely changed but I don't feel like I lost my life. The beginning was definitely hard. I went through a rough patch & I realized that I stopped doing little things for myself. Like manicures, flowers for shabbos or a Starbucks. Once I realized that & started "taking care of myself" things got much better. She's turning 2 soon & BH we are all doing so well & a family of 4 is so much more fun then 3.
When I was pregnant everyone was telling me how hard it going to be for my son because the gap is so big.... But I think it was easier because my son was 4 he he didn't try to hurt her when he got jealous of his sister he was able to tell me how he's feeling & we talked about it instead of him hurting her. He once said to us "I liked it better when it was just the 3 of us" this was when DD was 2 weeks!

Ruchel

Tue, Jun 06 2017, 8:17 am

behappy2 wrote:

That is SO SAD. And my 2, 3 and 4 were born over a time period of 3 years.

behappy2

Tue, Jun 06 2017, 8:38 am

Aylat wrote:

They are both true. My children have enriched my life in ways that I couldn't have ever known before I had them. And at the same time I have given up everything for them. My time, sleep, hobbies, job, other relationships etc. ..

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Jun 06 2017, 9:20 am

I think I understand what you mean by 'losing your life'
rather, since you are a parent already, I think maybe you mean your nervous your gonna lose your downtime, or me time?

we bh just had our 3rd after a 4 year break, and let me tell you the adjustment is really hard! for all of us! my first 2 were 18 months apart, so no adjustment there at all.
but now we got really comfortable in the last 4 years ! no more diapers, everyone goes to sleep at 715 and the house is quiet, our evenings were so relaxing, my dh and I actually got to spend quality time together! we got to go out once in a while, leaving the house wasn't such an ordeal...

what im trying to say is I understand your nerves, I really do. im going through it right now.
all change is hard, no matter how you slice it.

also in terms of going from 1-2, ya its challenging, but good news is, your 3.5 year old is old enough to not hurt the baby, and prob has a little patience to wait for you while your feeding, and is prob out most of the day?

just take it one day at a time (this is something I have been telling myself almost every hour lol since our new baby came home LOL

)
good luck and bishaa tova