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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Toddlers
Kiwi13
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:53 pm
Blessing1 wrote: | You said you're leaving the toddler by someone he knows. I'm telling you he'll survive. Chances are he won't even cry! People leave their kids longer than a week when they have a baby... it's very normal to leave the kids for a week. It's also normal for the mom to be nervous & anxious! Go & enjoy yourself. |
I don’t know that I’d go so far as to say that’s “normal.” Sure, many people do it, but many people DON’T do it. IyH, bshaa tova I have an upcoming birth and our plan is for DH to stay with me in the hospital for the birth, and then go back and forth between the hospital and home, precisely because we don’t want to leave our young (2-year old) child for longer than we have to. I know that some people will think this is crazy, that I should prioritize differently or whatever, but in my mind I’m a mother first.
It’s one thing that I might not see him for a few days, but I couldn’t deprive him of both parents for so long. I would rather my husband be able to be with him even if that means he’s not able to be with me at the hospital 24/7. This is for a legitimate medical need, kal v’chomer for a vacation. It’s one thing for one parent to go away for a week or longer, but both parents leaving? I would worry about my child feeling abandoned, scared, and possibly regressing and having other problems even after we got back. Not saying that will happen to OP, and again, I get it that some people do this sort of thing even for vacations. I just PERSONALLY feel that it’s not something I would do unless absolutely necessary.
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amother
Chocolate
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:53 pm
And some people are less attuned to, or aware of, their instincts.
Be that as it may, it is MHO that instincts serve a vital purpose and we would all do well to honor our instincts in any given situation.
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amother
Chocolate
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:57 pm
pesek zman wrote: | Sounds the same to me
Unless her maternal instinct is to try and foster independence in her toddler as well as bonding with family (as my maternal instinct says) and chooses to leave her baby with family periodically |
There's instinct, and there's maternal instinct. There's a difference. Google might be able to help out.
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mommyhood
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 2:58 pm
amother wrote: | Does your toddler have at least one sibling with him/her? That changes things. |
Now I have several kids but I left my oldest when they were an only child.
My parents went away once a year and left us with grandparents starting when the oldest was less than 2. I think my mother has excellent maternal instincts and I hope I do as well.
Instead of meaningless scare tactics please provide the links so we can 'read up' on all these risks and dangers of leaving toddlers with loving friends or family.
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iammom
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 3:01 pm
I was in the hospital with my younger child and left my older one, at 20 months, by his grandparents for around a week. My son had a party at Bubby and was well taken care of. He doesn't have any lasting effects as far as I can see.
I know this is different because I was "forced" to and it wasn't vacation but it's the same in the way that the kid will be fine!
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pesek zman
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 3:01 pm
amother wrote: | There's instinct, and there's maternal instinct. There's a difference. Google might be able to help out. |
If you're going to be condescending and insulting, at least do it under your screen name
In the meantime I won't get into it with a anonymous woman who insulted my maternal instinct because it is not identical to hers
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rdmom
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 3:57 pm
If you trust the person you intend to leave your child with then please do leave him. You will get a break and come back rejuvenated. I have left my kids at that age at sitters that they knew and my kids had a great time. But I would strongly advise that you leave at people you and the child know. The one time I left at a new sitter, I had a horrible experience.
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octopus
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 4:32 pm
I would not be able to enjoy being away. I would be wracked with worry and anxiety. Don't think it's worth the separation anxiety on either end.
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carrot
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 4:53 pm
If you do have this instict, I would say pay attention to it... Some kids might be fine, but I know I could not leave a kid that age for so long.
(I am not saying that those who do leave kids have no maternal instincts... Maybe they instinctively know their kids will be fine! But if you are worried, listen to your inner voice.)
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amother
Seashell
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 5:00 pm
I wouldn't do it.
DD was about two years old when her oldest sister was due with her first - overeas. And my baby was still nursing. I got her a passport. True, I wouldn't be as big a help to oldest DD by bringing along my baby. But she's my baby, and I did not see why she should have to suffer. (For various reasons I didn't end up going.)
I would say it MIGHT be different if the child has a very close relative e.g. grandparents or aunt AND he's had sleepovers there before without parents, and seemed happy enough the next day.
I don't think parents' convenience (or cost) should justify traumatizing a child. And I do think it's traumatic to leave a small child, who's not old enough to understand, for that long a period of time.
You could ask some child psychologists. But my maternal instinct says this is true. If you're having doubts, I think you're right!
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Blessing1
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 5:49 pm
Kids absolutely don't suffer trauma from being left by a close relative they know & like!! They forget it within afew weeks & it's does in no way have an everlasting effect on them.
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amother
Chocolate
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 5:55 pm
Blessing1 wrote: | Kids absolutely don't suffer trauma from being left by a close relative they know & like!! They forget it within afew weeks & it's does in no way have an everlasting effect on them. |
And you published your views in a peer-reviewed journal? I hear a certainty in your tone that intrigues me.
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amother
Magenta
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 5:58 pm
octopus wrote: | I would not be able to enjoy being away. I would be wracked with worry and anxiety. Don't think it's worth the separation anxiety on either end. |
This. 20 months old is very young. There will hopefully be other opportunities for you to rejuvenate as a couple. You would never have scheduled a vacation with plans to leave your 20 month old behind so don't make this simcha trip into a vacation. It's not the right time even though I understand wanting to grab the opportunity that presented itself.
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Kiwi13
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 5:59 pm
Blessing1 wrote: | Kids absolutely don't suffer trauma from being left by a close relative they know & like!! They forget it within afew weeks & it's does in no way have an everlasting effect on them. |
Kids are resilient, for sure. But to say that leaving a small child for a week “absolutely” won’t affect them negatively? Kind of a big, risky assumption if you ask me.
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amother
Chocolate
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 6:20 pm
pesek zman wrote: | her maternal instinct is to try and foster independence in her toddler as well as bonding with family (as my maternal instinct says) and chooses to leave her baby with family periodically |
Precisely. If that is your maternal instinct it would be wise to go with it. I operate with the theory that a mother's instincts line up with her child's needs. Op seemed to be overriding her instincts by leaving her baby, and you seem to be honoring your instincts when leaving your baby. Both are equally valid to me, so long as both of you are honoring your unique maternal instincts.
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amother
Natural
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 6:25 pm
hot chocolate! wrote: |
I cannot fathom it! leaving my precious vulnerable baby-toddler behind.... |
What is he more vulnerable to without you, if he is left in good care. (No doubt he will be left in good care, or you wouldn't even post this)?
hot chocolate! wrote: |
whenever I think about it, could sob..picturing his little face and him crying for me or his father. |
I would test this.. Leave DS with the relative overnight - and find out for how long he cried.
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flowerpower
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 6:40 pm
amother wrote: | I'm saying if a mom leaves a toddler behind she either doesn't have the instinct about NOT leaving him, or, she has the instinct to not leave him yet she's overriding the instinct. |
Where does instinct come in here? It's called weighing the options. Some toddlers would prefer to be in a loving environment with structure over being confined to a plane ride for 8 hours twice in one week with the time zone being way off. Plus during that week being by 7 strange sitters in a strange place.
My sister went overseas for a simcha when her son was 21 months. Her in laws told her to leave the child behind. So he stayed by me. He survived without any trauma and doesn't even remember it. I guess my sister ignored her motherly instincts. Time for parent classes.
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amother
Beige
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 8:17 pm
There is a reason why you feel anxious...Hashem gave you that feeling to protect yourself and your baby. It is traumatic to leave a baby for that long. Babies that age have no concept of time and in his mind you are gone forever. It is a very harsh to do that especially when he is so little and his attachment to his mother is hopefully strong. I have a girl that age and I would never do it to her! Whenever I have an event or simcha that will effect my kids I always ask myself a question ...who cares more that I am there for them? My child by bedtime or the kallah???You are so much more important in your child's life than you are to whoever's simcha it is even if it is close family. Either don't go at all or bring him along. There is no reason that your baby should suffer from this. Obviously, if you wrote that you were ill, Gd forbid, and you had to be away that would be extremely hard on him and terribly sad; but what are you supposed to do?
But to do this voluntarily?? You are ignoring your maternal instinct that it a bracha that Hashem gave you! Mazel tov btw!!
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hesha
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 8:20 pm
There are lots of variables here - like how sensitive your kid is, how much your marriage needs this, how close your child is to the caregiver. I would only do it if your child is the super resilient type who won't miss mommy much, your marriage really really needs this, and your child has an awesome relationship with the caregiver. Even then, a week seems really long. Just my opinion
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iluvy
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Wed, Nov 15 2017, 9:18 pm
Try it out for an overnight sleepover.
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