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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
amother
Maroon
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 6:46 pm
Ladies, please help me out here. I need a polite and patient but firm response.
We are making a party. It's a catered affair and it isn't cheap. When all is said and done we'll be paying $100/ head.
And if I've invited you, that means I am happy to shell out the $100 because we like you and want you to share in our joy.
But a response of "We'll try to stop by" for a formal dinner?
Really, what am I supposed to do with this? Pay $200 dollars for a dinner you may not show up to? Reserve seats for you two when we already pared down our list of guests severely because we aren't made of money and then see the seats remain empty, knowing we could have invited another couple we also would have very much enjoyed having?
What is the proper way to respond to this?
I understand that life is hectic, people work hard, and some people's schedules make committing to things harder -- and I really do like this couple and consider them good friends -- but with a response like that I frankly feel like telling them not to bother trying so hard to "stop by" and go to my B list to choose another couple. But then what if they did show up in the end??
Help. I'm not good at this.
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bargainlover
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 6:50 pm
We did not set places for those kind of people with that response. We ordered a few extra places for men and ladies to cover in case they stayed. And caterers usually have a little extra.....
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cnc
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 6:56 pm
Those people don't usually come for the meal - they come to wish mazel tov and don't expect a seat
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tichellady
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 6:57 pm
I would say “ I need to give the caterer the final headcount, should I include you in the number or do you think you won’t make it for the dinner?”
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amother
Lime
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 7:02 pm
I’m pretty sure we’ll try to stop by means don’t set a seat for us. It means we want to come but we’re not committing and so we’ll stop by to wish mazel tov and if there’s an empty chair or seat, maybe we’ll sit for a few minutes. The expectation is not that there will be a seat for them. It’s that we’ll probably show up but don’t put us in “the count”.
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amother
Maroon
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 7:08 pm
tichellady wrote: | I would say “ I need to give the caterer the final headcount, should I include you in the number or do you think you won’t make it for the dinner?” |
Ok, simple and direct. Perfect. THANK YOU!!
(Sometimes it's so hard to see simple, obvious solutions when getting all emotional and stressed out, lol!)
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imaima
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 7:10 pm
tichellady wrote: | I would say “ I need to give the caterer the final headcount, should I include you in the number or do you think you won’t make it for the dinner?” |
I'm afraid they might say yes and still not show up. I feel like they have no intention of coming.
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thunderstorm
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 7:18 pm
imaima wrote: | I'm afraid they might say yes and still not show up. I feel like they have no intention of coming. |
This happened to mother when my brother gut married . For whatever reason she was limited to a very minimal amount of couples. She had me ask my mother in law and my DHs siblings if they planned on coming . They first didn't give a straight answer . Then after telling them that we needed a definite answer they all said yes. None of them showed up.
My mother was really upset, because her four best friends would've taken those places had they said they weren't coming. People don't realize how important an honest reply is.
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Beingreal
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 7:23 pm
Have a few extra seats just in case... you never know and it would be awkward if they do show up....
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amother
Maroon
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 7:27 pm
Bizzydizzymommy wrote: | This happened to mother when my brother gut married . For whatever reason she was limited to a very minimal amount of couples. She had me ask my mother in law and my DHs siblings if they planned on coming . They first didn't give a straight answer . Then after telling them that we needed a definite answer they all said yes. None of them showed up.
My mother was really upset, because her four best friends would've taken those places had they said they weren't coming. People don't realize how important an honest reply is. |
That's so upsetting.
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amother
Maroon
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 7:31 pm
Beingreal wrote: | Have a few extra seats just in case... you never know and it would be awkward if they do show up.... |
Right, the thing is.... we're making this dinner party in our house. And we are already approaching 60 people and it's the most I can fit without people feeling like sardines. So if a couple people drop by - say to have dessert, say l'chaim, whatever - for a few minutes, I'd love to offer them a seat, but I don't know that there will be any physical room to sit. Plus it's not a catering hall where they can just go find some extra chairs in the storage area. What we've got is what we've got.
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amother
Chocolate
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 7:37 pm
Oh....sorry! Didnt know! Wish I can help you...
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Fox
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 7:45 pm
Honestly, simchas are a no-win situation for both the guests and the hosts!
Maroon Amother, I would respond to the "maybe we'll drop by" crowd this way:
Quote: | "Hi, Hindy! We'd have loved to have you stop by, but as you know, we're hosting the seuda in our home, and space is very limited. If you're not able to come for the seuda, perhaps we can see you on another occasion." |
Of course, it's possible that's too subtle for Hindy, but there's little you can do short of screaming "EITHER STAY HOME OR DON'T" to force people to commit.
For our recent simcha, we received response cards with no name, no return address, nor any indication of whether this anonymous invitee intended to attend; we received elaborate brachos but no indication of attendance plans; we received check marks in between two options; we received well over a dozen response cards with nicknames and family honorifics that we had to track down . . . and that's not counting the many invitees who must have done a stint in medical school, to judge from their cursive handwriting.
But life as a guest is no easier. Years ago, when I had five kids under 7 and my DH was out of town all week, I replied honestly to a co-worker. I knew the chances of my making it to her simcha were slim to zero, and I didn't want her to waste money on a meal. Well, 15 years later she still barely speaks to me when I run into her. I guess she was insulted that I didn't somehow make it a priority, but for various reasons -- including the fact that the simcha was an hour away in the dead of winter -- it just wasn't happening. Sometimes you just can't win!
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mirror
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 8:54 pm
Fox wrote: |
For our recent simcha, we received response cards with no name, no return address, nor any indication of whether this anonymous invitee intended to attend |
I heard people put a small number in pencil at the corner of each response card and envelope with the same number by that person's name on the guest list.
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amother
Purple
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Mon, Jan 08 2018, 9:09 pm
To me, "we'll try to stop by" means, "it is really hard for us to make it, and to be honest we probably won't, but I feel bad saying no to you so I will just tell you we will try to stop by."
Maybe try prefacing your request for a response with something to the effect of, "we would really love to have you etc., but I totally understand how hard it is to get out at night and how many other demands you have on your time, so I completely understand if you are not able to make it and no hard feelings." Perhaps at least then those who know they won't make it but are just saying they will try to stop by becuase they don't want to tell you no will feel more comfortable just saying no.
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seeker
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Tue, Jan 09 2018, 1:24 am
To me, "we'll try to stop by" means "don't save a seat for us" but as others said, asking is probably safer.
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WhatFor
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Tue, Jan 09 2018, 1:28 am
Bizzydizzymommy wrote: | This happened to mother when my brother gut married . For whatever reason she was limited to a very minimal amount of couples. She had me ask my mother in law and my DHs siblings if they planned on coming . They first didn't give a straight answer . Then after telling them that we needed a definite answer they all said yes. None of them showed up.
My mother was really upset, because her four best friends would've taken those places had they said they weren't coming. People don't realize how important an honest reply is. |
I'd be very annoyed.
I had a friend who made a dinner and they phrased the importance of an accurate response very politely. They said something like, space is limited and we invited you first because you are amongst our closest friends and we really hope you can make it. However, if you're unable to do so, please let us know so we can invite other people.
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