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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
Mommyg8
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Tue, Feb 06 2018, 8:22 pm
Seas wrote: | So have I. What I was referring to is instinct, not how you relate to someone once you get to know them. And it's not something I'm proud of, but it happens regardless, and I was being honest. |
Honesty is overrated.
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amother
Wheat
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Tue, Feb 06 2018, 8:45 pm
Seas wrote: | Studies have shown that generally speaking attractive people get preferential treatment.
I'll also be perfectly honest that I usually feel something of an inner revulsion towards extremely obese people. Especially when it comes hand in hand with other personal neglects. But I try never to show it. |
Have you ever tried to feel empathy for these individuals? Compassion? Try to understand their perspective? See their inner tzelem elokim?
I feel so bad for those people that have the misfortune of interacting with you while you are trying to hide your revulsion and judgement of them. So sad.
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amother
Sienna
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Tue, Feb 06 2018, 8:52 pm
amother wrote: | I read a study many years ago that found that parents treat their better looker / cuter children better than their less good-looking siblings. I'm sure it's not always true, but it probably often is. I know I have more patience for my kids when they look better. |
Imo, each one of my children, although some have different looks than each other, are absolutely drop dead gorgeous, A-list model material, literally the most beautiful children (and goodness knows, they don't get it from me!!!).
I've always assumed all or most parents see their own kids that way.
It's hard to imagine that it's a "thing" for parents to judge their own kids' looks in comparison to each other and find one or some better looking than others.
Eta. Can my huggers explain themselves? Do you think it's sad for a parent to think their children are all equally beautiful?
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amother
Azure
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Tue, Feb 06 2018, 9:35 pm
amother wrote: | Have you ever tried to feel empathy for these individuals? Compassion? Try to understand their perspective? See their inner tzelem elokim?
I feel so bad for those people that have the misfortune of interacting with you while you are trying to hide your revulsion and judgement of them. So sad. |
I also feel revulsion. It’s terrible and I feel bad but I do. I absolutely feel empathy at the same time but I can’t help it.
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giselle
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Tue, Feb 06 2018, 9:56 pm
Interesting. I’m a size zero and barely think twice when I interact with an obese person. I feel revulsion when I see those purposely stretched earlobes. Just visualizing it as I wrote is repulsing me. Don’t do it. It’s really disturbing.
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amother
Linen
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Tue, Feb 06 2018, 10:05 pm
amother wrote: | I also feel revulsion. It’s terrible and I feel bad but I do. I absolutely feel empathy at the same time but I can’t help it. |
Me too -- it just grosses me out to see truly obese men or women. So do nose rings and too-tight shirts that show the stomach outlines even of size 8 or 10 women. Blech. But I do try as hard as I can to treat the person exactly the same, or with a little extra compassion as they usually have knee pain at the very least.
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allthingsblue
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Tue, Feb 06 2018, 10:06 pm
amother wrote: | Me too -- it just grosses me out to see truly obese men or women. So do nose rings and too-tight shirts that show the stomach outlines even of size 8 or 10 women. Blech. But I do try as hard as I can to treat the person exactly the same, or with a little extra compassion as they usually have knee pain at the very least. |
I hope this is sarcastic.
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amother
Linen
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Tue, Feb 06 2018, 10:15 pm
allthingsblue wrote: | I hope this is sarcastic. |
No it's not. I'm really not proud of it at all. But when I say "truly obese" I mean like probably size 26 for a 5'2" woman who doesn't carry it well.
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Boca00
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Tue, Feb 06 2018, 10:26 pm
Mommyg8 wrote: | Honesty is overrated. |
I'm confused. This is the 3rd poster who honestly stated that they judge people based on their looks, even though they aren't proud about it. Why were the other posters praised for their honesty and Seas was called out on it?
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giselle
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Tue, Feb 06 2018, 10:32 pm
Boca00 wrote: | I'm confused. This is the 3rd poster who honestly stated that they judge people based on their looks, even though they aren't proud about it. Why were the other posters praised for their honesty and Seas was called out on it? |
Because there’s a way of being tactfully honest. She wasn’t.
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causemommysaid
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Wed, Feb 07 2018, 1:08 pm
eh leave Seas alone. She didn't say anything other people didn't say. I think you are overreacting because of her past posts.
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amother
Wheat
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Wed, Feb 07 2018, 1:26 pm
causemommysaid wrote: | eh leave Seas alone. She didn't say anything other people didn't say. I think you are overreacting because of her past posts. |
For someone who claims to have so much emunah and bitachon, I find it surprising hearing her comments and judgements on Hashems creations. That's all.
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causemommysaid
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Wed, Feb 07 2018, 2:21 pm
amother wrote: | For someone who claims to have so much emunah and bitachon, I find it surprising hearing her comments and judgements on Hashems creations. That's all. |
its instinctual- its not something one can control
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amother
Wheat
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Wed, Feb 07 2018, 2:56 pm
causemommysaid wrote: | its instinctual- its not something one can control |
Empathy, compassion, respect for Hashems world and creations-. These can and should be cultivated. If one does not have these midos, serious inner work needs to be done.
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Mommyg8
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Wed, Feb 07 2018, 3:12 pm
causemommysaid wrote: | its instinctual- its not something one can control |
That's not true. We can certainly work on changing our instincts.
ETA: I just though about this...
I have to admit that I have my own revulsions. Cockroaches, for example, are all the way on the top of the list.... and I don't think I could change that. I guess I was just hoping that a human being is different - there's a person behind the weight, and like I said earlier, usually a story behind every pound.
I've been thin for most of my life, so this is not about me, but I just want to give you ladies some food for thought:
99% of women who are very, very overweight suffer tremendously from their weight, both health-wise and socially. They are very much aware that they are overweight; helpfully pointing it out to them is extremely painful, and beyond unhelpful. Just to let you know.
And seas, one of the issurim of the Torah is Ona'as Devarim. Which doesn't change just because you're on the internet.
Last edited by Mommyg8 on Wed, Feb 07 2018, 3:39 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Pearl
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Wed, Feb 07 2018, 3:21 pm
A few yrs ago a moderator on a fb group asked the question, “what do you think when you see an overweight person eating cake at a simcha.
For real. And most of the responses were awful. Like, she might be happy now but at night when her clothes come off...
I struggle with my weight. Ive been both obese and thin. I definitely feel that I am treated differently based on my weight.
Its not just my weight that people judge it’s my appearance. It’s harder for me to find clothes that look good on me. And is harder for me to find clothes that just look good.
A few yrs ago after watching project runway I was in a dept store with dh. He picked up a Michael kors sweater and said I wonder if this would be in or out. It was just so awful. Dunno why some designers assume fat people don’t have taste.
So when I’m running to carpool in a denim skirt and winter coat my skirt is ill fitting and my coat looks cheap. I look sloppier than the moms who spent just as much time on thier appearance. And I’m judged.
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amother
Blue
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Wed, Feb 07 2018, 5:53 pm
amother wrote: | Me too -- it just grosses me out to see truly obese men or women. So do nose rings and too-tight shirts that show the stomach outlines even of size 8 or 10 women. Blech. But I do try as hard as I can to treat the person exactly the same, or with a little extra compassion as they usually have knee pain at the very least. |
I’m so happy to hear that my size 10 body is so revolving to you. You sound like a lovely person.
For the record, I am gorgeous (yes, gorgeous) at a size 10. And I do not have knee pain. You are ignorant.
Anyone who thinks weight and looks will always correlate with respect has obviously never heard of Oprah.
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amother
Linen
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Wed, Feb 07 2018, 6:43 pm
amother wrote: | I’m so happy to hear that my size 10 body is so revolving to you. You sound like a lovely person.
For the record, I am gorgeous (yes, gorgeous) at a size 10. And I do not have knee pain. You are ignorant.
Anyone who thinks weight and looks will always correlate with respect has obviously never heard of Oprah. |
I didn't say size 10 bodies are revolting -- I clarified later on that I meant really, really obese like size 26+. I said that I don't like tight shirts on almost anyone with a stomach, because I find it unpleasantly TMI.
Same with knee pain -- I meant for extremely large men and women, not size-10's.
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Metukah
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Wed, Feb 07 2018, 6:43 pm
Seas wrote: | Studies have shown that generally speaking attractive people get preferential treatment.
I'll also be perfectly honest that I usually feel something of an inner revulsion towards extremely obese people. Especially when it comes hand in hand with other personal neglects. But I try never to show it. |
Are you saying fat people can't be attractive? Are you saying neglectful people are usually obese or vv?
What are you revulsed by? The fact that they may be eating the same amount as you but their metabolism is too slow?
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amother
Linen
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Wed, Feb 07 2018, 6:45 pm
Metukah wrote: | Are you saying fat people can't be attractive? Are you saying neglectful people are usually obese or vv?
What are you revulsed by? The fact that they may be eating the same amount as you but their metabolism is too slow? |
If I may speak for Seas, we feel this way because extreme obesity is usually ugly, nothing to do with judging the person.
Btw, I am amother because I am ashamed of this feeling.
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