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Forum -> The Social Scene -> Chit Chat

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greentiger

Sun, Sep 02 2007, 2:25 am

Say you decided to invite a friend over for a meal on shabbos. You haven't seen this friend since her wedding half a year ago. She shows up at your house and has a couple of bruises on her face. What would your first thoughts be? Would you be suspicious of her husband? Would you try finding out more? or would you just assume she bumped into something or something like that?

mimivan

Sun, Sep 02 2007, 2:39 am

Unfortunately I have to admit that I would have those suspicions and I would ask her if everything is okay. I just don't feel guilty about having suspicions, but better voice them than harbor them. If she is offended, you should explain that you thought it was better to ask and get the question out in the open than to harbor suspicions about her husband.

Momentary suspicions aren't bad, I think, but harboring them without saying anything can be and may lead to lashon hara at one extreme and enabling abuse at the other (Gd forbid)

Mommamia

Sun, Sep 02 2007, 2:42 am

of course you should ask, if youre her friend, of course show her you care. many times abused people are dying for people to help them they just dont know how to ask, of she might be abused its your duty to ask.

lilacdreams

Sun, Sep 02 2007, 2:49 am

hi
You know I had this a while ago with an older lady that I know - she had a black eye. I immediately thought that I would pretend not to notice and I didnt say a thing.

Still to this day I regret it, but now its too late to think of bringing it up again.

Let's say she fell over, and you said nothing. She would be so embarrassed because she probably knows you suspect her husband. So if this happened to me again, I would definately say "oh my, what happened, did you have an accident? refuah shelaimah" Its up to her then to either say "yes, I feel like such a klutz" or else she will lie, (if it was her dh) or she will open up to you.

My advice is invite her a lot if you can, for shabbes. (or just to go shopping together/have coffee)Keep an eye on her. If she seems to turn down your invites too often, or is she withdraws, or if she doesn't let you come over ever, or she becomes depressed - I would be suspicious. If her dh seems to be overly protective of her, or "too sweet"....just keep your eye on her. A lot of women who suffer domestic abuse are incredibly ashamed, thinking they some how deserve it. They may refuse to acknowleledge that it is even going on - so don't push her to tell you, just try to be a good friend for her....and if you suspect DA get her some phone numbers of a helpline to call. If you truely suspect it maybe you can call first to ask their advice on how to deal with this situation. Yashar Koach...I hope she is fine - but after seeing 2 friends go thru this I can tell you it might be a long time until she can accept it and seek help...

mimivan

Sun, Sep 02 2007, 2:59 am

And anyway, if she bumped into something and is embarrassed, she is probably knowing what you are thinking anyway, and is ready to explain what happened and won' t be offended.

Once ds when he was 1 1/2 slipped in the bath and had a really bad black eye. I have to admit, it looked quite incriminating. I was relieved people asked so I could tell them he slipped and felt sad that some people seemed to be harboring suspicions without asking...

greentiger

Sun, Sep 02 2007, 10:46 pm

Thanks to everyone that answered.

The truth is that this just happened to me, but I was the "friend".
I happened to have a really funny, and unlikely, fall and landed on my face -scratching the whole thing up. BH it was okay, but my face was left quite bruised, and my husband is really embarassed for people to see me, and I was wondering if he's being overly paranoid.
I was wondering what peoples first thought would be when seeing me, and I figure the story, although true, isnt so convincing, so it's quite embarassing...

amother

Sun, Sep 02 2007, 10:49 pm

I got a huge brusie from a pedcure .

Lechatchila Ariber

Sun, Sep 02 2007, 10:54 pm

what would I think?

I wouldn't think.
I would ask straight out, "what happened to your face", and if there was something fishy about the way the person responded, only then would I wonder.

greentiger, hope you feel better and your face heals nicely.

btw if your face looks scratched then it may look more like a fall where you scraped yourself.

amother

Sun, Sep 02 2007, 10:54 pm

This week my husband had his whole hand bruised up while doing construction. He came home and I asked if a tiger attacked him..but guess what in shul someone asked him if his wife did it.

greentiger

Sun, Sep 02 2007, 11:00 pm

EstiS wrote:

BH it only looked much worse than it was (all surface) and its basicly completely healed by now. Even though it was scrached, it was right under my eye, making it look more like a blow than a scratch.

greentiger

Sun, Sep 02 2007, 11:01 pm

amother wrote:

This week my husband had his whole hand bruised up while doing construction. He came home and I asked if a tiger attacked him..but guess what in shul someone asked him if his wife did it.

If someone asked straight out like that then I would take it to be a joke.

southernbubby

Sun, Sep 02 2007, 11:05 pm

The first to be blamed is the husband. Several days after my accident, when I went for surgery, the nurse asked me if the bruises were from the accident. I knew what she was getting at and I told her that the bruises were from the accident and that my husband was not the type to do that.

Motek

Mon, Sep 03 2007, 2:15 pm

amother wrote:

I got a huge brusie from a pedcure .

On your FACE? Incredible! Wink

TammyTammy

Mon, Sep 03 2007, 2:22 pm

Motek wrote:

amother wrote:

I got a huge brusie from a pedcure .

On your FACE? Incredible! Wink

Must have been a very inexperienced pedicurist!! Smile

Tammy

greenfire

Mon, Sep 03 2007, 4:58 pm

hey that actually happened I went to someones house and their kid let me in... she was embarassed because she got bruised ... and I was like why unless your husband did it ... but I knew he didn't ...

MommyLuv

Mon, Sep 03 2007, 5:04 pm

By the way....Many physically abusive men are shrewd enough not to attack their victims on the face, to make it less obvious.

Lechatchila Ariber

Mon, Sep 03 2007, 5:45 pm

Mummyluv, I was thinking that I've heard that before but I wasn't sure so I didn't want to write it.

MommyLuv

Mon, Sep 03 2007, 5:50 pm

Esti...I heard it mentioned/written but also was told firsthand, by an abused woman Crying

...Her husband would pinch her, shove her against the wall, etc at will, but never once slapped her face. Thank G-d she left him, only 20 years too late... Sad

Lechatchila Ariber

Mon, Sep 03 2007, 7:40 pm

I had it in the back of my memory that I heard it once that a truly abusive man will avoid the face.
I don't know if I heard it as a general rule or in regards to an actual case, But it makes sense that if a man was repeatedly abusive he would avoid the face.
Otherwise, it would be so much more obvious when women were being abused.

then again, I did see an ad for abused women once featuring a woman who had a black eye

southernbubby

Mon, Sep 03 2007, 7:42 pm

Mikveh ladies are told to speak to women about abuse if they see bruises. Some people bruise easily and are klutzy but today everyone is on the lookout for abuse. Children with brittle bone disorders and mongolian spots are suspected of being abused. Teachers are told to suspect abuse if they see anything.
Jewish men used to be thought of as the least likely to be abusive but now they are unfortunately suspected along with everyone else.

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