I'm the worst mother in my family

amother

Purple

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 9:36 pm

While I understand where you are coming from OP, and I agree with what everyone else has said, I do want to make one point:

Instead of beating yourself up every time you lose it, praise yourself every time you hold it in.

Work on yourself. Don't just accept that you "are a screamer." You are person who gets overwhelmed and screams. You are a person who can work on that, though it will be a "two steps forward, one step back" process.

You are a work in progress, as we all are.

imorethanamother

Mon, Mar 19 2018, 11:23 pm

Thanks everyone. What an amazing community this is.

sped wrote:

Something that helps me when I go through what you are (don't we all?) is to remember that Hashem put each neshomah in the family that they need to reach THEIR potential, with the mother, father, and all the things that they need for what THEY need to accomplish in life.

That's good to remember, actually.

It's helps with this point that other people are trying to make, whereas I should know about some flaw in my nieces/nephews (which I'm sure is true, but isn't really the point. I love them to pieces) and some skill my kids have that they don't. (Also true, but my point was I'm not giving my children a fundamental skill they should really have. We can all agree that the world needs more chesed.)

mha3484 wrote:

I mention the book the explosive child a lot because it has really helped me with my child that struggles with ADHD. At parent teacher conferences the Morah was telling me about what a kind and empathetic child he is. What was striking to me was that as I parent him with empathy and kindness he projects that on to others. I never really thought about it. I really recommend the method to anyone even if your kid does not have any challenges. Ross Green wrote a book called raising human beings that is for parents of kids that are considered typical.

Wow thanks! I'll get those from the library. Great suggestions.

Thanks to all the Amothers who are saying to take baby steps to stop the yelling. Absolutely. I have to work on that, and I will read those books and hopefully get some clarity.

We all have our tafkid in life, Hashem has a place for all of us, but sometimes being relatives of greatness (Did I mention that there are also very famous - for being very prominent in the Jewish world - immediate family members?) can make you feel like you're missing some elemental path to being what's objectively known to Hashem as a great person. And no, this isn't about glory or fame. It's much deeper than that. And seeing it objectively - in your own children, instead of yourself - can really bring it all home.

amother

Beige

Tue, Mar 20 2018, 3:45 am

I can really relate to your post. I am in a similar situation with my sister-in-law having kids with amazing midos and just really special. I have kids who have some amazing qualities and some really incredibly difficult ones. My husband comes back from the learning program with my boys and is just finished- they won't sit still, they are all fighting, without any busha, and the family next to him is sitting nicely in their seats all lined up in a row, also several boys. He says "why can't our kids sit nicely in shul etc. like those kids?" My answer is "their parents are really quiet and laid back also, and we aren't like that! Our kids have spunk! (So do we!)" So I think there's good sides and bad sides to everything. I wouldn't be surprised if your kids are also absorbing your traits of responsibility, independence, and other good things. It's not black and white and you were given these children and they were given YOU as a mother for a reason. I think if you do your best and focus on them in the best way YOU can, you will do great. And I do think a parenting class as you mentioned is a good idea, mostly just to give you the confidence to feel you are doing a good job. Hatzlacha!

amother

Plum

Tue, Mar 20 2018, 6:32 am

Another book for you: Feel Good by Dr. David Burns.
It's basically DIY CBT and it'll help you stop the distorted thoughts you have that push you to negative behavior. It's life changing.
I think 90% of the world feels like you. Smile

Give yourself the emotional space to grieve, then let go of the guilt and tackle what you can. What can you do with YOUR reality to make yourself happy with the way you're raising them? Let go of everything else - the fact that you work, the fact that your kids are average - and make the changes you actually can make.
If you can't cut your hours, stop thinking about it. You can't magically make your children empathetic, so instead read some books that can help you teach them (The whole brain child, ummm another one...I'm blanking on her name...it's a double b.)

And I agree with the posters that said coddling isn't the best route. But if they do need more attention, find a way to make that happen.

Guilt feels awesome in a miserable sort of way. It feels productive. But it's not. You can do this! For real!

sarahmalka

Tue, Mar 20 2018, 8:16 am

I just requested a bunch of the book recommendations from my local library!
OP, I wish we could get together over coffee (or wine). I relate to a lot of what you wrote. Except my local sibling's children are similar to mine so I am not dealing with the family comparison/competition factor. I agree with lots of the advice given and I do think that our problems are the rule, not the exception. Most of the mothers I know are working and stretched so thin in so many different directions that they feel some parenting ideals are slipping through the cracks.

alis_al_kulana

Tue, Mar 20 2018, 11:05 am

Provided that c everything else is normal, it is usually better for kids to have a stay at home mother.

My mother worked hard when I was a kid and was not able to address a lot of issues in the family which we had to deal with as adults. She simply did not have energy to deal with problems when she got home.

She had no choice and we all turned out OK. Most likely your children will be fine.

As for the yelling, as a sahm myself I can tell you that is not an issue unique to working mom's. It's the end of the day, kids are impossible, and you start to yell.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Try not yelling for 10 minure increments.

Life is not a pass or fail test, it is a journey.

amother

Taupe

Tue, Mar 20 2018, 1:18 pm

personally, I genuinely don't get impressed when I see someone doing chesed all the time. I know many people who are VERY healthy and do there share. many ballei chesed are out of the house all the time and are missing out in giving the family what they need.
what counts is that the children feel safe, secure, confident in the environment they are in. healthy boundaries messages teaches the children to give and get space when needed.
looks - personally I agree its important. the neat and clean look does alot. buy them a nice outfit and you will feel better about this.