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Forum
-> Parenting our children
amother
Puce
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Thu, Oct 04 2018, 10:45 am
I posted on the other thread re parenting adult children.
Personally I struggle with accepting one of my married child’s life choices. These are obviously not in my control. Sometimes it’s like watching an oncoming train. It’s physically painful to just watch a child you poured so much into destroy their life & future.
If you’re also a parent of adult kids who despite your best parenting attempts just didn’t become what they could have...how do you cope? What’s your relationship?
How do you parent that adult now?
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amother
Brunette
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Thu, Oct 04 2018, 11:10 am
I'm a parent who poured all my love and efforts into my children, together with my DH. As a teenager, one of my children developed a mental illness. It was a totally sudden onset - she started experiencing strange symptoms, told us she needs help, we took her, she was diagnosed, started meds, and was back in school within two weeks (with continued medical care, but basic stability).
I learned that mental illness can develop in an otherwise emotionally healthy person. There are some conditions that are biological, and there's nothing we could've done to avoid this. Maybe one day there will be more research and we will know how, why, what caused this, but for now we don't.
So here I am with a child finishing high school and choices to make about her future. I am absolutely terrified.
It's been a big struggle for me to accept that this could happen to her, to us, to anyone. It's been life altering for us as a family (even though on the outside we look the same.) It made me question everything I ever believed.
It also made me realize that out there, there's so much that's not in our control. OP, you say it's hard for you to watch your child make painful choices, or different ones than you. For me, I had to make those painful choices to save my child's future, but I don't know what that future will be for her. Society will judge her for her condition, and I don't know where it will take her when that happens. For many reasons, I find that parenting her now is different than it was, as she has different things she has to cope with than my other children.
Right now, I don't know what choices to help her make. Should she do what everyone else does or do something different.
Don't know if I belong on this thread, but your post really resonated with me.
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amother
Bisque
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Thu, Oct 04 2018, 11:16 am
I learned to disconnect from my daughter's issues. I used to feel panicky about some of her decisions and my anxiety (which I really suffer from) skyrocketed. My therapist was helpful- she taught me how to pull back and realize that these things were out of my hands and my dd would figure them out on her own. And she has been getting better . Try not to "see" everything and have faith that they'll figure things out sooner or later.
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amother
Azure
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Thu, Oct 04 2018, 12:27 pm
amother wrote: |
.how do you cope? What’s your relationship?
How do you parent that adult now? |
I cope by letting go, which, I know, is easier said than done. So I work on walking the path of letting go. I've got a ways to go.
I cope by reminding myself that I trust them to live their lives as they choose. I trust their choices make sense to them even when those choices don't make sense to me.I trust there is an integrity to their choices, no matter how I see them.
I cope by investing in myself, in doing things that give me joy. It can be planting a garden, taking a class, art, dance, whatever nourishes my spirit.
I cope by reminding myself they are their own people, their own universe, they have their own journey to walk. It's not for me to interfere with. I am available for support if he/she chooses to reach out to me.
I relate to him/her as I do with most other adults: with kindness, care, authenticity, etc. If I feel anger or irritation I seek support from my peers to transform the strain to peace and understanding.
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amother
Yellow
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Thu, Oct 04 2018, 3:14 pm
How do I cope?
Not so well. My kids have made choices that pain me. They have made choices that make their own lives more difficult.
I show them I love them and try to not let them see how upset I am.
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amother
Floralwhite
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Thu, Oct 04 2018, 3:31 pm
Amother brunette, your story of your daughter's mental illness, far from raising questions about your parenting, shows what an AMAZING parent you are/have been! Your daughter experienced symptoms, she told you she needs help, and she was appropriately treated and back in school two weeks later. That means: she was self aware enough to realize something was wrong; she felt comfortable with the idea of getting help; she felt safe enough with you to reach out to you. You responded by getting her the proper help promptly, instead of burying the problem. How I wish I would have had a mother like you. Please realize that her mental illness is a test, not a flaw.
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amother
Brunette
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Thu, Oct 04 2018, 4:09 pm
amother wrote: | Amother brunette, your story of your daughter's mental illness, far from raising questions about your parenting, shows what an AMAZING parent you are/have been! Your daughter experienced symptoms, she told you she needs help, and she was appropriately treated and back in school two weeks later. That means: she was self aware enough to realize something was wrong; she felt comfortable with the idea of getting help; she felt safe enough with you to reach out to you. You responded by getting her the proper help promptly, instead of burying the problem. How I wish I would have had a mother like you. Please realize that her mental illness is a test, not a flaw. |
Thank you so much for your kind words. You are right of course.
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amother
Puce
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Thu, Oct 04 2018, 5:56 pm
amother wrote: | I'm a parent who poured all my love and efforts into my children, together with my DH. As a teenager, one of my children developed a mental illness. It was a totally sudden onset - she started experiencing strange symptoms, told us she needs help, we took her, she was diagnosed, started meds, and was back in school within two weeks (with continued medical care, but basic stability).
I learned that mental illness can develop in an otherwise emotionally healthy person. There are some conditions that are biological, and there's nothing we could've done to avoid this. Maybe one day there will be more research and we will know how, why, what caused this, but for now we don't.
So here I am with a child finishing high school and choices to make about her future. I am absolutely terrified.
It's been a big struggle for me to accept that this could happen to her, to us, to anyone. It's been life altering for us as a family (even though on the outside we look the same.) It made me question everything I ever believed.
It also made me realize that out there, there's so much that's not in our control. OP, you say it's hard for you to watch your child make painful choices, or different ones than you. For me, I had to make those painful choices to save my child's future, but I don't know what that future will be for her. Society will judge her for her condition, and I don't know where it will take her when that happens. For many reasons, I find that parenting her now is different than it was, as she has different things she has to cope with than my other children.
Right now, I don't know what choices to help her make. Should she do what everyone else does or do something different.
Don't know if I belong on this thread, but your post really resonated with me. |
I’m the OP. In our case the adult child developed a mental disorder as well however as an adult refused help. Still refuses help.
Destroying their life & their spouse & childs.
We have tried so hard to help them all but it’s really not our call.
B”H your daughter wanted the help & B”H you acted so wisely.
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FranticFrummie
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Thu, Oct 04 2018, 6:06 pm
I spent half of last night dealing with Hatzola, and a suicidal DD.
For now I've given up on wanting her to be frum. I'll just be happy if she can stay alive and be happy.
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amother
Brunette
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Mon, Oct 08 2018, 2:09 pm
amother wrote: | I’m the OP. In our case the adult child developed a mental disorder as well however as an adult refused help. Still refuses help.
Destroying their life & their spouse & childs.
We have tried so hard to help them all but it’s really not our call.
B”H your daughter wanted the help & B”H you acted so wisely. |
It's probably so much harder when they are an adult, and don't turn to you and depend on you and trust you to help them.
You are right it's not really your call. As hard as you try, Hashem has his plan.
I'm sorry. That sounds so painful.
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