We are destroying this kid.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 9:18 am

I have a son like yours...

Here’s what works wonders-
Spending time alone with him and making him feel like you enjoy every minute of it!

You can take away his pet but give him an option to earn it back
Don’t just tell him “you have to behave “ - be very clear what you expect of him

Be positive and compliment as hard as it is

Chayalle

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 9:34 am

OP you really sound like a great mother that is being stretched very thin by a tough situation. Don't let the situation take away from you the fact that you are a great mother. My mother A"H used to always say that she heard the following on the pasuk "Ruach Hamoshel Ba Alecha, mimkomcha al tanach" - just because the Yetzer Hara comes to get you, don't give up your place.

You are going thru a tough time, but hold on to the good things you have done as a parent.

I'm with everyone who says don't take away his pet. Tell him you made a mistake there, and give him a different consequence (no allowance, ground him, make him scrub your kitchen floor....). You got him that pet from a place of great parenting, so don't give that up. (I'm saying this as a parent who wouldn't mind if someone would take a certain hamster off our hands....but wouldn't do that without DD okaying it. And it's not as messy as the guinea pig was....)

Tell him also that you love him, no matter what, and you are adding that to the list of things he's entitled to. He's entitled to love and acceptance and safety. And so are his siblings, so when you give him a consequence, it's because he has violated the safety of the family, and it's everyone's job to protect that because everyone, including him, is entitled to that.

I also think you should let his psychiatrist know what is going on, in case his meds need some tweaking.

Don't beat yourself up so much. Just do your best to keep going.

ShishKabob

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 12:04 pm

I just wanted to point out, that your title " we are destroying this kid" is misleading and untrue. You sound like a mother that tries her best and is looking for ways to improve. Granted there are times when we make mistakes it doesn't make us destructive. And a once in a lifetime potch doesn't destroy anyone as far as I know. Sometimes it does a world of good. (can't be given out of anger though)
I agree that you shouldn't take away the pet. Maybe you can take it away for x amount of time or tell your ds that you rethought your consequence and decided to do something else instead.
Lots of good luck and success!

OOT

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 6:41 pm

You must feel awful. You obviously want so badly to be a good parent but are not confident in your approach and are ashamed of your reactions.
In my experience with preteens and teenagers, I find that the best thing that you can tell yourself is this: “ I am not in control of my child’s behavior. I need to do the responsible as a parent, and leave the rest up to G-d.
You will relieve yourself of a huge amount of pressure. And as a side benefit, your child will sense that you are not trying to control his behavior and will lower his resistance to behaving in a sensible manner, because he no longer needs to prove his independence so desperately.

amother

Saddlebrown

Thu, Dec 27 2018, 7:07 pm

amother wrote:

Hugs and more hugs! I'm crying with you. I feel a similar pain with my DD. I have nothing to offer in terms of advice. Let's pray for each other.

Suicidal thoughts can be side effect of meds...please take seriously and check pandas (which can cause suicidal thoughts, add etc...and has up and down pattern over the years). A simple blood tests and check with psychiatrist.