Tznius between siblings

urban gypsy

Mon, Dec 31 2018, 11:31 am

What sort of boundaries are appropriate for mixed gender touching between siblings?
I have two girls (8 and 6 years old) and a boy (7 years old)
The boy will not stop touching his sisters. He is constantly poking, grabbing, hugging, kissing, punching, pushing, slapping, and lifting them, especially the younger sister. He enjoys cuddling and kissing both his sisters in bed as well.
On one hand I am happy that they have a super close and loving (for the most part) relationship... they are close in age and have always been extremely close since they were babies. On the other hand, I feel like it's important to implement boundaries regarding appropriate behaviour now. They are getting to be big kids and I never see other frum kids their age behaving the way they do in public.
What is normal or appropriate for touching for this age? At what age do the rules get stricter and how do you help the kids understand that?

Pickle1

Mon, Dec 31 2018, 1:06 pm

sounds like the touching is a bit much. I would have a talk with the 7 yr old boy and the girls separately that they are getting older, and their body is private, they shouldn't allow friends and siblings to touch them etc...and then make a general hands off policy in your home - without being extreme and punishing if they do, but just announce whenever u see it happening. so and so, hands off pls. in my family as the kids got older they kind of realized on their own (with a bit of help from me) the kissing and cuddling was inappropriate and they stopped.

urban gypsy

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 10:56 am

Pickle1 wrote:

make a general hands off policy in your home - without being extreme and punishing if they do, but just announce whenever u see it happening. so and so, hands off pls.

I've been trying to do this and it's not really working Sad

Should I be worried? Is this inappropriate at this age?

oneofakind

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 11:01 am

Are there other boundaries in place? privacy during dressing, bathroom, bathing? The concept needs to be enforced across the board. There is also the boundary of public and private behavior, behavior at home being much more casual so playfulness is ok, in public, we behave differently.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 11:04 am

urban gypsy wrote:

I've been trying to do this and it's not really working Sad

Should I be worried? Is this inappropriate at this age?

If you can't get them to stop it in public, then it's a problem.
If you are trying to talk to them and they don't get the concept, that's another problem.,

At this age it may be all innocence and love, but I think you're right to be concerned right now. You can't just spring the no touching rule on them at their 9th birthday (or whatever age you hold). They need to start getting used to the idea, so start now, and keep at it.

I hope someone with kids in those age ranges chimes in and gives you more tips. Most of what I know I learned from watching my friends' kids. (I only have a singleton.)

amother

Orchid

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 12:20 pm

Is it coming from a sensory seeking place? Is he the kind of kid who loves to be rough and tumble with his friends? I've seen kids who will take any opportunity for sensory input, including hugging and kissing whenever they can.

Rutabaga

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 12:33 pm

This sounds like a boundary issue rather than a tznius issue. Children need to be taught to keep their hands to themselves and that they each have control over their own bodies. If your son is bothering your daughters then you need to intervene to get him to stop, but you should also be teaching them to advocate for themselves.

If everyone is enjoying the interaction then I don't really see what the problem is with siblings showing affection to each other especially at such a young age. Cuddling in bed together is maybe a bit much, but AIUI shomer negiah doesn't apply to immediate family. Such behaviors generally taper off on their own once kids reach the stage where they think the opposite gender is gross anyway.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 12:41 pm

I have a firm no touching policy in my house, I get the kids used to it from when their little. Usually if a child needs to always touch people it's a sensory issue.

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 12:50 pm

amother wrote:

I have a firm no touching policy in my house, I get the kids used to it from when their little. Usually if I child needs to always touch people it's a sensory issue.

Do kids get hugs from parents?

urban gypsy

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 1:09 pm

I think the posters who have mentioned the sensory seeking behaviour might be on to something. Could you elaborate on how to deal with this in the context of touching people?

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 1:48 pm

Amother tangerine, of course kids get hugs. By no touching I mean primarily touching during play or fooling around. A hug, or holding hands when walking is in the normal range. But I teach my kids about personal space and no touching when playing. (Besides, when they touch each others when playing it quickly turns into fighting.)

imasoftov

Wed, Jan 02 2019, 2:01 pm

amother wrote:

I have a firm no touching policy in my house, I get the kids used to it from when their little. Usually if I child needs to always touch people it's a sensory issue.

Do they also sleep with their hands strapped to their sides?