Full-time working moms- what do you do?

farm

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 12:13 am

Relax. Either he goes with an aunt, grandmother, neighbor, classmate’s mother (and classmate) or you skip it. He won’t know the difference! For the Chanukah mommy and me, I always explain it as the holiday performance and my boss went through the same when his or her kids were young and ok’s me coming in late that day. Same for preschool graduation. It’s quite common to be working full time with young kids in the secular world as well, the once or twice a year that you need to be in the classroom are usually understood in the working world, other employees have this too.
It’s going to be fine. Your kids are going to grow up loved and secure. You are going to be a great mother and valuable employee.

amother

Orange

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 6:11 am

For orientation, call the school this week and tell them you can't make it. Most likely, they will tell you that you aren't alone. If it is important for your child to get a first look, sometimes the teacher will tell you that they will be in their classroom at x time on Sunday or Monday setting up and you can bring your child for five minutes to see and maybe help the teacher quickly, find their cubby, whatever.

JoyInTheMorning

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 7:22 am

unexpected wrote:

I am not a working mother so I don't know if my opinion counts but imho, you don't have to worry about missing orientation. Your son will not know he missed it and in either case it is highly overrated. With some kids it can be very detrimental because then they think you will take them every day and bring them home 15 minutes later. They really don't get it...

This exactly, and I am a working mother. And I can say the same about many of the events that take place over the years. I would vote for trying to make it to the Siddur party, the Chumash party, three graduations per kid (lower school, middle school, high school). Five days per kid. Allocate two more days to extra special plays, the kind they've been working the whole year on. Hopefully they will not schedule parent-teacher meetings during the day. That's actually important and it makes a difference if you miss it.

I think it's a real chutzpah that schools assume dual-income families (to pay tuition) but schedule all these frankly inconsequential events as if women are ladies of leisure.

(Let me clarify. I think it's exciting when kids get their first Siddur and first Chumash. Those are not inconsequential. But the parents can participate and extend the excitement at home. No need to tick off the boss.)

amother

Gray

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 7:35 am

One child has orientation on Wednesday, the next one on thursday. Wednesday is playgroup orientation so I asked the Morah if we can meet at a different time or another day so that I don't need to take off twice. I'll take off Thursday (for my son's yeshiva orientation).

hodeez

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 8:22 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Well, since you all know who I am anyway-

My husband is in a coding bootcamp that runs from 9-6:30 in Manhattan every day. He will be finished at the end of December iy"h, but until then, his schedule is even more inflexible than mine.

In the long run, what are the chances that a software developer will have more flexibility than someone working in public school?

Also, my DH can't take my place at a "Mommy and me" or girls' events once they're in elementary school.

Just to chime in, I'm a software engineer who works 9-5 with the ability to work from home as long as I am 100% phone accessible. So yes I think I have much more leeway than a PS teacher.

bassarah1

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 9:07 am

just sympathy here OP. I also work and my husbands job is a little flexible in the morning so hes often able to take them to school while I run out of the house right after hes back from minyan but I feel guilty all the time about not being more hands on. they have a nanny in the afternoon and shes great but I feel like they must feel like theyre still in school cause not their parents and cant relax the same way. its maybe a bit easier for me because more than half of my friends in the neighborhood also are in the exact same situation but I wish I was more flexible.

amother

Taupe

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 9:15 am

I work in public school (not in NY, but similar inflexible schedule) and DH is a software engineer. His job is much more flexible. BH he can do the super early Fridays and extra days I can't because my vacation schedule is set in stone (and any other days are used for chagim). I want to add that you will likely not be the only parent in this situation--most families have working parents and schools have to learn to adjust. They probably won't have full attendance at all of their daytime events and your children won't be scarred for life if you don't come to everything (that I say as a child whose mother worked fulltime 30 years ago and didn't come to everything. I really looked up to her for having a career).

amother

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 9:17 am

oliveoil wrote:

Very likely, actually.

You think so? That would be amazing, but I don't dare to hope!

amother

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 9:23 am

nanny24/7 wrote:

So if you take off more than 10 days, even if you agree to not get paid for the extra days off, you get in trouble?

Forget about taking all 10- they called me to a disciplinary meeting last year because I had taken 9 days off (mind you, many of them were due to personal illness and I had doctor's notes).

nanny24/7

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 9:27 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Forget about taking all 10- they called me to a disciplinary meeting last year because I had taken 9 days off (mind you, many of them were due to personal illness and I had doctor's notes).

Oh wow!
That's crazy!
I see I responded in my previous post with practical discussion of the issue but neglected to state the most important thing:
We are here to support you. It's not easy and you are not alone.

Mama Bear

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 9:27 am

Just to make you feel better, chances are that a lot of other moms won't be able to be there either due to work.

amother

Purple

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 9:48 am

my dh is a software programmer. I'm a SAHM so I try to take care of appointments... but I've learnt that he really does have some flexibility. I had an appointment and kids were home. he told me to take the baby, tell the kids to only come to him for an emergency and he worked from home. other times its even more flexible then that. there was a period when he worked from home everyday. It depends on the job, how much work there is, how long he's been there...I wouldn't expect that flexibility from day one but further along likely yes.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 9:56 am

Dh is a programmer who is high up in a large company. There is a certain amount of flexibility and he can work from home sometimes. But he works much longer hours than you do, and often has extra work to do late at night and on weekends.

amother

Purple

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 10:02 am

it's really job specific. my dh isn't high up so he works "normal" hours". but the other poster's dh probably earns a lot more Wink

amother

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 10:29 am

nanny24/7 wrote:

I usually skipped orientation for this reason and my kids were just fine with coming the next full day to school for the first time and spending orientation day at a babysitter all day. It's kids who were home with their mothers until starting school, and not used to going to a babysitter or playgroup that the orientation is really important for them.
Happens to be my last DC who started preschool I was able to go and there were definitely a few kids missing from the class that day.

He was in a day camp this past summer, but before that my MIL babysat him... I'm somewhat concerned about his adjustment to a new place.

nanny24/7 wrote:

Most schools only have a Mommy and Me once a year, so for those I try to make it my business to be there.
I feel very bad that I did once come late to a performance of one of my kids. I was right in front of the school already and my boss swung by to give me paperwork and held me up convincing me that "they for sure won't start exactly on time". Well they actually did.
I stopped doing school birthday parties as my kids appreciate stuff we do at home to celebrate much more anyhow.
The bigger issue I have is with all the days that school starts late or ends early. Like every Isru chag, or fast days, etc.... I don't have any family that can chip in and those days are really hard. Plenty of times I had to wake up really early so I can be all done with dressing and breakfast to drive kids to a babysitter at 8:00 am and arrange for the school buses to pick them up from there. Never mind the money involved.
And my DH schedule is usually really tight too.
I think you really don't need to feel bad.
And yes IMO it's fine if neither you or DH are flexible at all.
That's the reality for you right now and it's okay. I can't imagine you are better off switching to a much lower paying job just to make it to a school play.

It's more than just the school play- it's a pervasive problem of juggling to cover all the kids' needs. It's also about wanting to be there for my kids. I guess I'm feeling the guilt over that.

nanny24/7 wrote:

Also, I am not familiar with the public school system, do they not allow you to take any days off even if you tell them way in advance?

If you saw my other response to your post, they called me to a disciplinary meeting for taking 9 days last year (this doesn't include yomim tovim, which are covered by religious observance days). I need to hoard my days for emergencies.

nanny24/7 wrote:

I would think that legally they have to give you at least a little leeway. Am I wrong?

Legally, they shouldn't be able to give me problems if I don't go over 10 days. However, it looks like my principal doesn't care about that... and I don't want to start filing grievances and dealing with union stuff, which will automatically put me in a bad place.

nanny24/7 wrote:

I do understand though that missing the first day of school is a bummer though.
Talking about that, I have a relative who was also a teacher and had a very close family wedding that was on the first day of school. She was majorly stressed about it for months in advance. Turns out she got a business job offer which she accepted so she left the teaching job. Well the new boss was a total jerk and refused to let her take off work the day of the wedding. So she had to scramble and pay a taxi to go to an out of town wedding straight from work, and get dressed later. It was crazy.
Not trying to scare you, my point is just that there is really no guaranteed way to predict which job will be more or less flexible.

I get that- it's one of the reasons I decided to stay the course for now.

amother

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 10:30 am

farm wrote:

Thanks for the encouragement!

amother

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 10:32 am

JoyInTheMorning wrote:

I feel the same way!!

amother

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 10:33 am

hodeez wrote:

Just to chime in, I'm a software engineer who works 9-5 with the ability to work from home as long as I am 100% phone accessible. So yes I think I have much more leeway than a PS teacher.

Did you get that ability immediately upon beginning your job?

amother

Maroon

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 10:33 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The thing is, I only have 10 days total and my principal makes a huge deal if I get close to that number.

I'm wondering how much I can get away with taking a few hours off here and there... I don't know.

By the way, I technically work 6 hours and 50 minutes every day, so it's not 100% full-time in the traditional 9 to 5 sense.

OP, you're all worked up about your child not having Mommy there the first day of school. But think what it would be like for your students not to have their teacher there the first day. Or for their teacher to miss a lot of days of school. 10 days is more than 5% of the school year already -- how much more do you think it would be appropriate for your child's teacher to be out?

And who do you think will be covering for you if you take "a few hours off here and there."

For better or for worse, school teacher is one of the least flexible jobs there is, because there are 30 or so people depending on you to show up every day, and the hours are set in stone. It sounds like you took the job so that you could have summers off, without really understanding the commitment to being there the other 10 months of the year.

BTW, I work full time, but chose a job with more flexibility, so that I could take off the occasional morning for my kids. I make less money, and I definitely don't have summers off, but its a trade-off. You cannot have it all.

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Aug 27 2019, 10:36 am

It's not as bad as you think. My husband works a very demanding tech industry job, but with seniority comes some flexibility. He can take a kid to an appointment or attend a thing and no one questions it. We basically switch off with these sorts of things, although ironically, while I have the less demanding career and the shorter hours, I don't have the level of seniority that dh has, so it's not as easy for me to take a morning off as it is for him.

Also, you don't have to do everything. The Chanukah parties and stuff like that can be skipped or you can send a relative who can go. For something like a siddur or chumash play, both you and your husband need to show up to that, but those only happen once per kid, it's not like a constant thing. Plus, most people have kids. Most workplaces have some understanding that there are times when a parent needs to be there for something (whether it's a Big Game or Big Recital, same idea).