How can I set this rule

amother

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 9:26 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

I grew up in a dysfunctional home (not saying yours is) and the fact that we ate food anywhere in the house wouldn't have registered to me as part of the dysfunction.

I married DH who grew up in a very orderly home (European parents) and he strongly objected to bringing food into bedrooms. I didn't mind accommodating that, and I must say it's been much nicer that way. There is something that feels good about having designated locations for things. Food in the kitchen or dining room. Sleep in the bedroom. Not to mention it's cleaner. I've gotten so used to it that at this point, the thought of bringing food into my bedroom sounds gross.

Of course we dont party in the room , btw if someone is strict with keeping boundaries where to eat , here u found this person, "me" . Im very ontop of that . My kids know that eating is only in the kitchen area. I dont even let eat during the week in my dinning room.
Keeping a limited amounts of nosh neatly in the room doesnt mean that eating in the room is ok and it does not mean eating in the room, its very normal and I literally dont see whats wrong with that . Its some candies , not snacks or messy kind of food . My original question was how to keep the kids out of my room and not have access in my room , im not bothered by keeping a little nosh in my room . I think its more than ok. Depends how u do it , if someone keeps all kinds of food in their room, chips , bananas and I dont know what... that's off. but some candies, give me a break and dont tell me some candies nicely in a corner is dysfunction.

soap suds

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 9:30 pm

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

Honestly? Nosh closet In bedroom
Sounds really dysfunctional to me. I’ve never heard of hiding food and certainly not a I’m a bedroom.

I guess you don't live in Brooklyn Very Happy

In my house we keep things where there's room for them, not where they 'belong.' There's shampoo in the bedroom closet and toilet paper in the coat closet, detergent in the playroom, etc. etc.

We don't officially keep nosh in the bedroom, but when I want to make sure DS doesn't sneak some junk food on Shabbos afternoon (while I nap) I do take it into the bedroom.

amother

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 9:32 pm

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

I think it odd that anyone would say that children in a parents' bedroom is dysfunctional. We were always allowed in our parents' bedroom and my kids were in my bedroom.

I am not even understanding why children shouldn't be in the bedroom unless there are issues where they are barging in when parents are being intimate and there are suitable precautions to take to avoid the primal scene.

But why would it be problematic to be in bedroom even if parents are in the bed? Especially as little kids, it was lots of fun on the weekend to all be together in bed in the morning.

Im so glad to hear that its normal since this theripist made me feel like 2 cents . I was only telling her that my kids come in and we smhooz , she thought im off the moon for letting this and then she mentioned that thats very disfunction and a lack of boundaries, that day was my last day ive seen her . If a therapist can judge me on this, thats when I realized that I wont trust her further and I stopped for good, I was so happy I did. And im happy to see that its not different at all!

amother

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 9:37 pm

soap suds wrote:

I guess you don't live in Brooklyn Very Happy

For everyone the definition of "normal " means something else. I think their is no right or wrong on this . To me as long as the house is put together and cleaned away, fresh, is already a sign of functioning. despite where they keep their stuff.

amother

Brunette

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 9:42 pm

OP, a lot of people are telling you what is or isn't normal based on their preferences. I see you're trying hard to explain. YOU DON'T HAVE TO. Just like you left the therapist because you realized how off the wall she was, you don't have to engage and explain.
(You can, if you decide to Wink

)
All of what you decide sounds pretty normal to me, even if I don't actually prefer it. Things like this are a matter of preference.
I guess I just labeled myself dysfunctional. Whatever. Its a fun club to be in, this type of dysfunction.

amother

Mon, Feb 17 2020, 9:48 pm

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

I totally hear u

myname1

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 4:08 am

I also really don't see why anyone would say it's dysfunctional for kids to be in parents' room. If parents make that rule and kids refuse to follow, I guess that would be a symptom of a problem. But I grew up secular and went into my parents' room whenever it was a convenient place to speak to them or whatever without a question in my mind. And my kids come into my room every morning and whenever. They're little, but I never questioned that this is normal. If the door is open, they come on in. This is not the advice you asked for, sorry, just wanted to share.

amother

Apricot

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 4:13 am

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

This isn’t the point of your thread and I don’t man to derail but I’ve never heard of keeping nosh or special food in ones bedroom. I have a beautiful box of Lindt truffles that my husband bought me. My family knows it’s mine and that while I would share if they asked they can’t jist take. It’s on top of the Keurig. It seems like strange hoarding behavior to keep food in ones bedroom.

I don't think so. The nosh cabinet is in my room. That's what works for us

FranticFrummie

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 8:06 am

Where kids sleep is entirely cultural. If you're a Native Alaskan, you all sleep in a tiny igloo and huddle for warmth. If you're a wealthy Victorian, the kids sleep on the third floor, with the nanny. If you're a hippie, everyone sleep in a communal yurt.

What makes something dysfunctional is the degree that it distresses you and the people around you. Washing the dishes every day is normal. Washing them every other day is also normal. Washing each dish 100 times is NOT normal. The action is the same, but what goes on in your head entirely different.

If having kids in your room all the time is bothering you, then make some rules, like they have to knock first, or that they have to give you private time after 7pm (just an example). I have a friend who's family rule is "If you wake me up before 6am, for anything except an emergency, the answer will automatically be NO." This way the kids don't come in wanting extra Shabbos cereal at 5am.

Another good boundary, is to define "Emergency". Kids don't automatically understand that, and wanting nosh can be an emergency in their little minds. "Is there a fire? Is there a bad guy in the house? Is anyone bleeding? Are you being eaten by a bear?" was my description.

As long as you keep your boundaries simple, logical, and easy to enforce, you can eventually make some rules. Do NOT make any rule that you do not intend to enforce! That will undermine your authority, and they will lose respect for you very quickly. Kids are like sharks, and they can smell weakness. That's why it's better to have a few firm rules, than to have a bunch of rules that mean nothing.

Simple1

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 8:43 am

amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:

To each their own. I personally would feel like it's mean to keep my personal treats out in the open where everyone sees.

I don't think it's dysfunctional to do things a little differently. The word is overused, and I'm surprised that the therapist said that. Unless there's more to the story and things were going too far.

amother

Apricot

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 8:50 am

Simple1 wrote:

Ageee with this 1000%.
Also, I don't think its nice to have things out that are not for everyone

kenz

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 3:13 pm

littleprincess wrote:

My kids are always in my bedroom !!! I made a rule no sitting on our beds so they're not super "comfortable " .
I fold laundry , iron , do my phone calls from my room ... the little ones officially bring toys in my room and sit at the side and play. They like being around me . The big ones come in to talk to us all the time .
After supper I clean ny kitchen and dont really go down for the rest of the evening .

My family is no way dysfunctional.

The kids know when the door is closed they have to knock .
When I want some me time I close the door
Or when I want to talk to dh

I really dont see a problem with it

We also used to go to my parents room a lot and when were at in laws we sit in their room as well . Mom in law calls me in to drink coffee with her or shmooze . (I'm very close to her)

I'm just like you except I have no problem with my kids being on my bed - in fact, I like it when they settle themselves down and want to hang out with me. I always went into my parents' room too, and it didn't hurt me any, and we were - and are - far from dysfunctional. Definitely if the door is closed, knock, but other than that, they are my children! They are allowed into my room.
I know that many people have these rules but to make it seem like if you allow your kids into your room there is something wrong with your home is really a bit much.

amother

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 3:46 pm

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

Ageee with this 1000%.
Also, I don't think its nice to have things out that are not for everyone

Yea thats the only thing we were discussing that day. Nothing more to the story other than I just mentioned about my kids coming into my room. yet I cannot remember how it came in but absolutely nothing more that I have mentioned which can make it add to dysfunction. I was upset and I haven't gone back to her . There was other red flags anyhow talking to me that I wasnt happy about her.

amother

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 3:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If me and my dh are alone in the room and the door is locked they definitely knock, this we taught them long ago , it just gets to me while im in the room doing laundry or stuff and they come in with me , they turn over or feel free to open drews and closets, thats something I need to put down a foot.
And overall I was wondering how ppl consider this to be normal or not to let kids into parents bedroom but bh I see I wasnt that crazy how my therapist made it sound. I understood from most posts that its not the worst.

amother

Taupe

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 3:54 pm

amother [ Ruby ] wrote:

I don’t get it either.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 4:57 pm

I am the most "dysfunctional" of all and I love it.
Our special Shabbos tradition (and my Shabbos alarm clock). When my kids were small, I had a container of individuality wrapped chocolates on my night table. Shabbos morning, between 8-8:30. They were encouraged to come to my room, wake me, snuggle in my bed, and enjoy a special Shabbos chocolate treat. The rule was, if you wake me before 8, no chocolate, if you come in and wake me after 8:30, there is no time and no chocolate. Guess who never woke me up early on a Shabbos morning and never got caught up playing and accidental let me oversleep? Btw, no chocolate ever got on the sheets. Everyone was very careful to get very morsel into their mouth. (And I kept baby wipes on the night table too)
My children are now almost fully grown/out of the house ☹️. They will list this amongst their favorite childhood memories.

If this isn't dysfunction, I don't know what is 😉

amother

Tue, Feb 18 2020, 5:32 pm

amother [ Ivory ] wrote:

Cant love this enough.

sometimes those kinds of dysfunction creates a happy home, which turns the dysfunction into function. Love it!